Choose Your Own Adventure: The Blog Post @4:00 PM
It’s 4 p.m. on a long Monday. Of course you could get some work done, but your boss is elsewhere, you’ve got a headache from trying to cut back on caffeine, and it’s drizzly outside. Plus they stole an hour of sleep from you over the weekend! Meaning: you’d rather just cruise the net, floating on a raft of hyperlinkage toward that horizon of informational numbness. But before you can say “choking on the pen cap you were absently chewing,” a perfectly outrageous blog post title loads in your browser, begging for—or perhaps openly provoking—your attention.
Do you… ignore the inflammatory headline and continue surfing?
Or immediately register your disgust in the comments section?
Or do you begin reading in earnest, though with some skepticism? 17
"Take a pencil to write with on aeroplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can't sharpen it on the plane, because you can't take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils."
—Margaret Atwood explains how to write. @12:56 PM 13
Guest Op Ed: How to Shovel Fucking Snow @3:52 PM
There has been a lot of talk of snow on this blog of late. And while I know most New Yorkers don't shovel a flake of snow, many in D.C. and other locales own are underwater on condos, houses and town-homes. Also, maybe some newly underemployed i-banker is now the super of your building and needs to know how to shovel fucking snow. Anyway, knowing how to shovel snow is a useful skill. I have shoveled literal shit-tons of snow in my life so here's how.
Five Things To Do With Twitter When You Suspect You're Doing It Wrong @11:35 AM
This morning, someone asked: what the heck should one do with my Twitter account? She was afraid she was doing it wrong, that it had gone all stale or whiny or boresies. (That may be the case, but really, only you can decide if you are doing Twitter wrong! Let your conscience be your guide.) We have a few pro tips on shaking things up. READ MORE 34
How to Cook a Latke @11:50 AM
Here's how not to cook a latke: Buy them from Russ & Daughters where the "homemade potato latkes" are $2.99 each, or 10 for $25. TEN LATKES FOR $25? Are you high? Do you know what is in a latke? Also, a reheated latke is a bad latke. Fact! So here, have a seat—no, over there, by the menorah. Have a piece of gelt. Make yourself comfortable. READ MORE 87
How To Make Jokes and Puns @9:30 AM
Today's Post reports that "An officer conducting an inspection at a Bronx narcotics unit last week found a soft-core porn movie playing on one of the TVs in the facility, police sources said. The skin flick was playing on a satellite-TV premium channel. That violates an NYPD policy banning such channels at work." Okay, so! The newspaper has done its job, by playing straight man. (Although this is a terrible headline.) Still, they have set up, by my back-of-the-envelope calculations, at least 450³ possible jokes. Heaven! And yet, the lone commenter on this story at the Post is doing it wrong. Let's explain! READ MORE 22
You're Doing It Wrong: How Not To Get Your Literary Novel Published @1:34 PM
There is a three-part process to peddling a novel (a novel is a book that is not born from a Tumblr), according to Awl columnist Matthew Gallaway. Here is step two: "Write a 'query letter' in which you describe 1) your reason for writing a particular agent and 2) a summary of the book. The entire letter should not be more than 2.5 paragraphs; keep it polite and professional without any gimmicks. (E.g., do not include your photograph or even a 'cock shot.')" Oh. My bad! 14
How to Make and Eat the Perfect Cranberry Sauce for Thanksgiving! @12:10 PM
Our pre-Thanksgiving cooking section has been, we hope, very helpful. Here, we show you how to make (and even eat!) the elusive perfect cranberry sauce—especially perfect for the single man alone at Thanksgiving. 81
Half Baked, with Tom Scocca: Stir-Fried Romaine Lettuce @11:10 AM
This barely is a recipe at all, which is the reason for it. Who is interested in cooking a side vegetable? But if you are feeding yourself, you need to include side vegetables or you will eventually develop chronic ailments. If you are feeding other people, they will be gratified by the variety and will feel properly cared-for. Multiple dishes! A balanced meal! Here is a way to do that with as little effort and attention as possible, and with only a minor amount of danger. You need: garlic. Salt. Cooking oil. One head of romaine lettuce. READ MORE 15
How To Barbecue A Turkey–The Super Easy Way For Morons @12:20 PM
Okay, so, now I will tell you the second of my four cooking secrets. (The first is pie crust. The third secret is how to make pizza, which I will tell you at a later date. It's a GOOD SECRET too. The fourth secret, however, might have to remain secret forever.) This cooking secret is: how to barbecue a Thanksgiving turkey. (Or a turkey for any occasion, but really, how often do you eat turkey?) Because, oh yes, gaze at the majesty of my barbecued turkey above, cooked for Thanksgiving '04, back when smoking meat was the hot new thing again, for NO apparent reason. Do you know how easy this is? It is SO EASY that you are going to feel sad for even owning an oven. Sort of! I will explain. Equipment required: wood. Asbestos gloves maybe. Aluminum foil. Any sort of grilling thingie. Maybe a gun. READ MORE 45
Stop Being a Wuss: How To Make Pie Crusts the Easy Way @10:00 AM
Today's Dining section brings a roundup of holiday dinner recipes for you wussbags who are too lazy or scared to make desserts with crusts. "Is it Thanksgiving if there is no traditional pie with a traditional filling and a crust that the cook obviously fussed and worried over?" asks Florence Fabrikant. The answer is obviously: NO, YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER, IT IS NOT. Are you one of those wimps who is afraid of a pie crust? Here, I will tell you everything you need to know right now, you whiny little girl. Yes, that is a picture of an apple pie that I whipped up the other week in about 8 seconds. Loser! Here are the tools you will need: NONE. READ MORE 94
How Should One Dress Best for Civil Disobedience? @11:26 AM
"Clothes that look as if they were bought in Camden market (wacky-wacky, thumbs-aloft, baggy striped trousers; anything with a pompom) are obviously verboten. Unless you are Elizabeth Hurley, you probably will not be tempted to wear heels to a protest (and what would Liz be protesting about, do we think, people? Perhaps a criminal nationwide shortage of white denim?). Plain and practical are the obvious styles to aim for, but nothing in army green because that risks you being mistaken for a rent- a-protester, army green generally being their chosen colour. Similarly, no T-shirts or other paraphernalia that indicate you have frequented other protests: you think it proves your passion, others think you're just a protest slut in it for the exercise and the day off work." 11
Handy Guides: Gold Mining for (Rich) Dummies @10:00 AM
"This is a primer on how to set up a gold mine on a pristine mountaintop in, say, Peru." If you, like me, love deforestation and the poisoning of ground water and the capitalist enslavement of various indigenous peoples, you also will be on the next flight to Jorge Chávez International Airport! See you there. 0
The Awl Video Guide To Killing Lobsters @3:50 PM
The Summer of Death™ may be over, but there is always a time to kill, particularly when the nuclear winter comes and we are all forced to murder what we eat while walking south to avoid the cannibals. Here, in an Awl exclusive, our own personal (and somewhat frightening) chef shows you how to prepare lobsters for grilling through this coming Autumn of Death™.
Warning: Video has a fairly high gross-out factor and is not suitable for vegetarians, the easily-grossed out and, of course, Mary Tyler Moore. We'd say that no lobsters were harmed in the making of this video but that is a terrible lie. 30
How To Snort Drugs @8:28 AM
Here is a handy guide on
Listicle without Commentary: The 14 Favorite Things, In Order @4:20 PM
14. Doorbells READ MORE 87