"Struggles for human rights always begin with brave men and women who stand up, isolated, against the forces of oppression. But, in the United States, victory really arrives on the glorious day when the people with money decide discrimination is bad for business."
“I’m telling you the law. It’s illegal to sell a living armadillo. By statute. Dead armadillos you can sell parts of them. Make a curio of a little armadillo on his back drinking a bottle of beer.” —Scott Vaca, in Gail Collins' op-ed in today's Times, which is actually about Herman Cain and how Collins will not be writing about him anymore. Did you know that a male armadillo's penis is two-thirds the length of its entire body? I did not.
Gail Collins is my favorite op-ed columnist at the New York Times. As much as I admire her, I'll never forgive her for describing House Republicans as a "herd of rabid otters" in a column earlier this year. (Only because there's no such thing as a "herd" of otters. The analogical image itself is impressively accurate.) So I was very happy today when she again went zoological in her writing, but this time got her terms straight.
"There are other, perhaps better, Republican candidates in the race, but I am rooting for McMahon for entertainment value. She used to be a central character in cable wrestling shows whose scripts had family members shrieking, betraying and, occasionally, slugging one another. One episode featured a villain who broke into the 'palatial McMahon headquarters' while Linda was recovering from a neck injury that she had received when an aggrieved wrestler flipped her upside down and slammed her head onto the floor. 'You are a rather aggressive beauty, aren't you?' he breathed, before forcing a kiss upon her resistant lips and promising to break both her son's legs." -Gail Collins [...]
§ Gail Collins, New York Times OpEderess: "Once they figured out how to reapportion districts by computer to protect all the incumbent, it became really hard for women to get elected. That big year of women getting elected happened after reapportionment…. Kids ask me, 'I'd like to run for office. What should I do?' Well, it takes 27 years to qualify. And then you're in the State Senate and if you're in New York then you just want to shoot yourself."
"In Ohio recently, he told a long story about going to a friend’s wedding, taking some nail polish and writing on the soles of the groom-to-be’s shoes so that when he knelt at the altar, the congregation could read HELP." —We found some footage from the wedding that Mitt Romney told that crowd in Ohio about.
"In 2007, he cried while delivering a speech on the floor of the House, in support of funding for the war in Iraq. “After 3,000 of our fellow citizens died at the hands of these terrorists, when are we going to stand up and take them on?” he sobbed.
Then this year, he voted against providing money to take care of our fellow citizens who became ill while doing rescue and reclamation work at ground zero after the terrorist attack.
Twice." —Gail Collins knocks it out of the park in this column on John Boehner.
Image by donkey hotey, from Flickr.
"Virginia has been making big leaps lately in the category of general craziness. We all remember the Legislature's heroic work in passing a bill to protect Virginia citizens from having microchips planted in their bodies against their will. And that the sponsor said he was concerned the chips could be a 'mark of the beast' that would be used by the Antichrist at the end of days." -Gail Collins today, on how Governor Bob McDonnell's institution of April as Confederate History Month is embarrassing his state. Considering this in light of the sad essay Denise Giardina wrote yesterday about the recent mining disaster in West Virginia, [...]
New York Times columnist Gail Collins was, as always, highly enjoyable yesterday as she predicted that, come the year 2112, history students would be reading "on their vaporphones" about the precedent set when known philander and serial husband New Gingrich won the Republican primary in super-conservative South Carolina. But her ideas run counter to the conventional thinking about what the world will be like a hundred years from now. The definitive source of future-casting for the year 2112 is, of course, Neil Peart, the (totally sick!) drummer and (philosophically ambitious!) lyricist for the great Canadian prog-metal band, Rush.
"Have you ever seen all the House Republicans in one place? It's like a herd of rabid otters." So says Gail Collins in today's op-ed about the challenges president Obama faces following last night's state of the union address. Gail Collins writes so nicely. But she doesn't seem to know a lot about animals. There's no such thing as a "herd" of otters!