Homer Simpson descends gracelessly from the sky like an oblong, plastic mold of a mascot, his cowardly scream echoing in the dumpster towards which he plummets. “Ew, this is the worst place yet,” he says, crawling out. He begins to walk along a city block, one of our city blocks, a real not-cartoon city block, in what looks to be urban sprawl LA, cowardly mumbling to himself. The humans stare at him: he closely resembles a golden, obese claymation figure with a particularly misshapen head, three times too large and not unlike the bottom of a bowling pin. If he were to abide by the laws of physics, he would [...]
Privatized prison operator GEO Group has withdrawn its foundation's proposed $6-million gift to Florida Atlantic University. Students apparently did not feel comfortable with the naming rights attached to the gift, which would have put GEO's name on their sports arena. GEO has been desperately trying to keep its Wikipedia entry clean of a rehash of all the deaths and charges of abuse that took place in its prisons, but unfortunately for them, Wikipedia knows how to resist such things and also, if there's one thing college students know how to do, it's "read Wikipedia."
GEO Group's stock was up 12 cents this morning, reaching its highest prices since [...]
Before I begin the next episode of the Mr. Wrong column, which is on Vacation, topicwise, and simultaneously "on vacation," I want to remind all you Gentle Readers that this is a column. According to the Collins English Dictionary, which was the first thing I found on the Internet when I Googled "History of the word column" at it, a column is—in the number five (b) slot of meanings of the word "column"—supposed to be: 5. journalism a. any of two or more vertical sections of type on a printed page, esp on a newspaper page b. a regular article or feature in a paper: the fashion column [...]
"A Southwest Florida woman accused of kicking people's genitals has been charged with battery on a law enforcement officer after punching him in the face, according to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office. The deputy responded about 2:45 p.m. Tuesday to a dispatch call of a 'female in the street kicking people in genitals and running around,' according to a police report."
The head of the CIA and former commander of the war in Afghanistan has fallen in a tawdry scandal involving marital infidelity, leaked national security secrets, weird FBI agents and a whole network of high-level grifters in Florida. What can we learn from this huge, bizarre conspiracy at the very top of the national security state? Watch out for that crafty "send" button on the email program! Especially if you're 60 years old, like David Petraeus. According to the important morning program The Today Show, older people must constantly watch out for the young people's Hotmail.
There’s a valuable lesson everyone can learn from the scandal involving CIA Director [...]
Frightening news for Miami's aging right-wing Cuban population: the county is considering going FULL-FIDEL. One lone City Commissioner/communist is putting forward an ordinance that will force all employers to let their employees accrue sick time. This is worse than Obamacare! Nearly half of all workers in the county currently do not get sick time, according to "some random dude from a union," whose pockets are lined with money stolen from little children.
Local Miami commenters respond to the Herald's shocking report:
• "why should they even have to work!!! ill just send them money."
• "What I don't understand is that if the liberals want this, why don't [...]
"When officers searched the theater, they found several sandals that were left behind by moviegoers who fled the scene." —"Man paced theater, screamed 'This is it' during movie showing: Police."