What Makes Your Movie Family-Friendly? (How Many Mommies Does Heather Have?) @12:15 PM
Florida gives a whopping 2%-of-budget tax credit to movies filmed in the state, but only if they're "family friendly." Now the state is trying to define "family friendly" in some tax cut legislation, and some legislators take it to mean movies without any "nontraditional family values." It's a fun semantic shift but mostly it's just to not give a tax credit to any movies with some gay in them. The best part is that this has inspired a rambling bit of hilarity from state Representative Stephen Precourt (R-ORLANDO, OBVS): "Think of it as like Mayberry. That's when I grew up — the '60s. That's what life was like. I want Florida to be known for making those kinds of movies: Disney movies for kids and all that stuff. Like it used to be, you know?" It's an impeccable word salad that he has thrown up here. 10
Golf Carts as Effective as Ice Floes for Dispatching Olds @3:40 PM
As if insisting on living forever and eating up all the flu antidote isn't worthy of enough spite, aged Floridians are pimping out and driving golf carts around their retirement villages. This article has a series of photos of seniors who have hoarded all their money to build miniature Hummers on golf-cart chassis instead of giving it to their unemployed children with mortgages. But the silver-haired residents of these humid enclaves are actually doing us a big favor. Apparently, you don't need a license to push these things around at 40 mph and people with known cases of MS and FAILING EYESIGHT are hopping behind the wheel like it's no big deal. Now if we could only build a colosseum around them, sell tickets, give them each a shot of NyQuil and take bets on the herd-thinning odds, we'd be golden. Oh, and we'll need a merch table for plastic visors and koozies. 16
Congressional Candidate Regrets Gun Violence @11:32 AM
Just another day: "A GOP candidate in South Florida says it was a mistake to shoot at a target with a Democratic congresswoman's initials." Broward County Republicans held a meeting at a gun range, where they "used assault rifles to shoot at targets including a cut-out of a man in a headdress holding a rocket-propelled grenade launcher. Robert Lowry, a Republican vying to replace Democratic U.S. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, fired at a full-body silhouette with her initials written next to its head." 3
Billboards About Rape Decreed Upsetting @3:49 PM
Have you heard about these outrageous billboards in Florida, that define rape and say that it is a terrible thing that should not be kept secret? Parents are upset that they're going to have to talk to their children about sexual violence, and therefore not ever not discuss it. These billboards are bad for children, because if they see them, the children will figure out something is wrong when Uncle Sid touches them. (WELL?) The best part is at the end of this local Fox report, in which the anchor asks, "Is there nothing that can be done about this?" And the reporter is like, "Well it's your tax money, so…" Let us go protest these informative billboards immediately, they are as hurtful as that volcano monitoring station. 10
Epic True Tales of Wild Animal Assault: The Mad Gray Fox of Boca Raton! @4:58 PM
Along the length of the eastern seaboard, crazed foxes continue their savagery. As we know, a young girl in Brockton, Massachusetts, remains paralyzed with fear following her assault by a silver fox. Now, an aged couple has been mauled amid the tropic splendor of Boca Raton, Florida! READ MORE 6
Florida Is Closed @4:49 PM
From the Broward-Palm Beach New Times (and via Felix Salmon) comes this tour of Florida real estate. Which is, apparently, all empty! "The pictures start at the Fort Lauderdale beach on Sunrise Blvd. and go west to federal Highway (rte 1) north to Pompano Beach about 8 miles." 9
Golisano To Run For Florida Senate Seat? @11:46 AM
After the brilliant success of his plan to bring (additional) chaos to the New York State Legislature, former Buffalo businessman Tom Golisano is reportedly considering a run for the open U.S. Senate seat in his new home state of Florida. This will probably never happen—Golisano couldn't buy the New York governorship in three tries, one of which put him up against George Pataki and Peter Vallone—but it's nice to know that Tom isn't focusing all his energy on screwing up just one state. 1
On Reading Jonathan Franzen @12:35 PM
On reading Jonathan Franzen's new fiction: "I read that big Ben Marcus takedown of him in a back issue of Harper's and I remember reading that takedown excitedly and being like, 'Fuck yeah, Ben Marcus, you tell that douchebag!' because I went to Florida State and that's how we expressed ourselves, I think I might've smashed a can of Natty against my forehead afterwards just for good measure." 7
Jesus H. Christ On A License Plate @1:38 PM
Here's a new vanity license plate approved by the Florida legislature. I… just… yeah. 62
Hey Judge, didn't I see you on YouTube? @10:40 AM
The Florida Supreme Court reprimanded Broward Circuit Judge Cheryl Alemán today for violating judicial standards and damaging public trust in the courts. The reprimand was "broadcast over the internet and was expected to be viewed by many attorneys who had been following her case." Everyone one who is trying to figure out a way to monetize web content—present company included—should take note of this; I would certainly pay good money to watch people get reamed out by their bosses online. 0
The Dunshine State @3:16 PM
Here's a fun story about Florida's "exceptionally aggressive system to collect the court fines and fees that keep its judiciary system working. Judges themselves dun citizens who have fallen behind in their payments, but unlike other creditors, they can throw debtors in jail—and they do, by the thousands." 0
