Dear Nick,

I'm sorry I ate your carrot cake.

We were at college, and living off campus in the house on Bragaw Street. You had bought the cake earlier that day, when we'd all gone to Super Stop n' Shop for groceries. You'd paid for it separately and left it in the fridge while you went to an afternoon class. But our roommate Scott and I didn't have afternoon classes that day. Or if we did, we decided to skip them and stay home and smoke pot instead. Whatever the case, we stayed home while you were out and smoked pot. I got hungry, on account of the pot [...]

Dear Lexis/Nexis onsite training executive,

I'm sorry you had to learn my secret password.

Dear 70-year-old man in a leg brace,

I'm sorry for not being able to change a tire on my own car.

Our friend Dave Bry has so very many regrets. Some of them are about girls, like this particular pang-worthy bit of remorse.

Dear Julia Neaman,

I'm sorry for accusing you of conspiring against me when I was on hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Dear Bob Mould,

I'm sorry for ruining your solo acoustic concert.

Dear step-nephew,

I'm sorry for telling you to suck my dick at Thanksgiving three years ago.

Our friend Dave Bry has many regrets. This week, an easy mistake, carelessly made years ago, still brings that flushed-face feeling of shame-and demands an apology.

Dear brown-haired woman,

I'm sorry for bothering you while we were watching Stand By Me at the movie theater on White Street in Red Bank, New Jersey.

Dear Black Sabbath,

I'm sorry I didn't vote for you in the "favorite band" poll Betsy Schroeder conducted for a science project when we were in seventh grade. After the initial round of questionnaires were filled out and tallied, you guys were tied for the lead with Men at Work. Somehow, stupidly, in the run-off, I voted for Men at Work. In fact (and I cringe at the memory) I joined Nicole Seitz and actually campaigned for Men at Work. Against you.

Dear President Clinton,

I'm sorry I wrote that thing about you on the bulletin board at Bob Kerrey's campaign headquarters during the New Hampshire primary in 1992.