Bill Clinton: your feelings? And don't pretend you don't have any.

William Jefferson Clinton, a man who left office under a cloud of scandal and with the derision of those on the left of his party who thought that he was too politically expedient and quick to compromise on sacred Democratic ideals but who now invoke his name as the kind of tough negotiator who would totally stand up to the opposition and protect our cherished social safety net, turns 65 today. I would say that 15 years from now those people will have the same false nostalgia for Barack Obama, but 15 years from now we will all be living in holes and running from fires and begging the [...]

Here, let us fix this strange omission from this news brief for you, New York Times! "The William J. Clinton Foundation is moving most of its offices from Harlem to 77 Water Street in the financial district, in Lower Manhattan" … where, the paper might mention, Clinton will be subleasing from Goldman Sachs until 2013, at which point the lease is with the owners. (Space which has been vacant for, what, eight years? And had been gut-renovated by Goldman and then never used.) Just so we're clear!

"I didn't ask Kendrick to leave the race, nor did Kendrick say that he would," is the statement just sent out by Bill Clinton's press office. For those not playing along, he means Kendrick Meek, the Democratic Senate candidate in Florida, who's not winning against an Independent (Charlie Crist) and a Tea Party candidate running as a Republican (Marco Rubio). He does know that this was in the Times today, I assume: "Matt McKenna, Mr. Clinton’s spokesman, said the former president had concluded that Mr. Meek’s candidacy was struggling and was urging him to drop out and endorse Charlie Crist."

You know who sucks? James Cameron. He didn't stop the Gulf Oil Spill. Kevin Costner and his "Ocean Therapy Solutions"? Screw that dude. And Brad Pitt hasn't even started to try, but you know he's thinking about it, so to hell with him too. So now Bill Clinton says we're gonna have to blow that shit up. Celebrities! We're just at their mercy to fix our environmental disasters. Also watch how inane Wolf Blitzer is as he talks to old Bill about FEELING PEOPLE'S PAIN. You know what? Maybe each generation gets the environmental disaster that it deserves. They certainly get the media coverage of it that [...]

What the world needs now: The Death of American Virtue, "the first definitive history of the Clinton scandal" hits bookstores in February. Clicking in at 769 pages, it features new interviews with Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr! Aren't you totally excited to relive those times?

Bill Clinton and the two journalists he rescued from North Korea have returned safely to the United States (adorable photo here). "I am very happy that after this long ordeal, Laura Ling and Euna Lee are now home and reunited with their loved ones," said the former President in a three-line statement that shows how much the world has changed since he held office; ten years ago it would have been a small novel.

What is the relationship between Bill Clinton and Barack Obama? Well, they are both members of the Democratic party who have served as President of the United States. Also, they help fill the endless need for copy.

Remember that story about how Bill Clinton once ate an entire baked potato in one bite? Well, he could still do that now, so long as there was no butter or sour cream on it.

Since Bill Clinton finished up running the White House last Friday, this morning he's on the way to Haiti, to clean up after Sarah Palin. Over the weekend, Palin made a shocking call for aid to Haiti, suggesting that "U.S. aid perhaps being lifted." She went on: "Again — not to get political — but if some of the politicians would come here and see the conditions, perhaps they would see a need for, say, a military airlift to come bring supplies that are so needed here." That is such a good idea she has! A military airlift you say. Maybe Bill Clinton will bring some [...]

"Since that first meal, in 2000, so many customers have uttered some variation of 'Give us what the president had,' that the restaurant has started serving a mixed-meat sampler—a one-off prepared for Mr. Clinton and his guests—as a nightly special. The Bill Clinton platter, as it is known, is an aromatic spread of mixed meats, lentils and oven-baked bread." —The Times' David Segal leaves the matter of how many of those customers at the New Delhi's fancy Bukhara actually meant 'an orgasm' up to the reader's imagination. Regardless, the story about our lovable ex-president's reputation as the world's greatest gourmand is nice to read. Clinton has [...]