13. Crinkle-Cut

12. Wedge

11. Steak

10. Home

9. Cheese/Gravy/Whatever Nasty Shit Canadians Put On Them

8. Sweet Potato

7. Oven

6. Tornado

5. Traditional Fast Food

4. Waffle

3. Shoestring

2. Cajun

1. Curly

Photo by Kati Neudert, via Shutterstock

The promise of this country used to be if you worked hard and played by the rules you would be okay and your kids would be a little bit better off than you were. Now we live with the hope that maybe we’ll find free money in a box of junk food. Oh well, we had a good run.

“Basil the African Grey launched his first verbal volley within hours of being given a new home with the Fisk family. He announced himself with a polite ‘hello’ to mum Sarah Fisk but when she replied he promptly told her to ‘ — — off’ with an accent straight from his previous home in Wales. The bird then started squawking ‘I’m in the Valleys’ followed by a tirade of expletives.”

by Awl Sponsors

Maxine was a college student who didn’t really intend to save anyone’s life. She went to a blood drive (in part attracted by the free pizza), but was told she couldn’t donate that day. She was steered instead toward a Be The Match marrow drive and decided to join the registry. Maxine soon learned she was a perfect bone marrow match for Jenna, who has a life-threatening condition. Maxine donated the marrow that saved Jenna’s life. This video shows the pair during the weekend they met for the first time.

You could be someone’s marrow match, too. The cure for blood cancer is in your hands.

“I kept noticing instances where internet memes — planking, old me, new me, etc — and collaborative online video projects were really not so dissimilar from early conceptual art and its contemporary predecessors. There are numerous examples in art history of artists giving themselves or others instructions as a form of art-making. I saw this overlap as a possible way of exposing the internet generations to contemporary art, and as a way of legitimizing and celebrating the enormous creative output that the internet and social media has made possible. Also, I’ve been working in a museum field that is increasingly worried about its relevance and its ability to attract new and bigger audiences. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know my audience in Indianapolis, while also attempting to broaden that audience. But there is an inherent limit to how many people can physically travel to a museum. As I started to get more involved in social media, I couldn’t help but think about the possibilities it held for exposing new audiences to art. There is already a lot of great art-related content out there, but I think there is potential for so much more.”
 — In the wrong hands this project could probably be something very very ungood, but fortunately it is in the hands of Awl pal Sarah Urist Green, so it will almost certainly be okay.

Thirty. We’ll let that one sink in for a little bit. Like, two years from now he’ll be a MacArthur genius. What a world. Anyway, happy birthday.

Now more than ever, giving a follow to the New York Review of Bots might be handy to your lifestyle:

Welcome to the New York Review of Bots, a professional journal of automated-agent studies. We aspire to the highest standards of rigorous analysis, but will often just post things we liked that a computer made.

Here is their Horse_ebooks semi-eulogy.

Once you get over the fact that some 32-year-old is a MacArthur Genius and you’re not (yes, yes, except for you, Tarell McCraney), why don’t you go back and read this interview with newly-designated Genius Karen Russell. Maybe there are some secrets in there about how you can turn your brilliance into a pile of cash. Maybe not. Either way, it’s worth a read.

If you live in New York, you can go to the state’s totally crappy website and download this ridiculous spreadsheet and allegedly pre-price some health insurance. SOCIALISM. HERE COMES HEALTH INSURANCE.

by Alan Hanson

NO COST ACCESS TO SLUTS IN YOUR AREA

Whats up Alanhanson09, my son —

What if I told you, you could get any girls you wanted to fuck, right now, in your area? I guess you would doubt that, but fact is, everyone no matter what you are, how old or young, how much money you can make, CAN…haha really! I mean, i COULD, but I guess the SEVENTIES were a bit different, you and I

you and I? we are pretty similar, i have a $10,000 business offer i want to share with you my business. See, I own a business by age 25, actually, what have you done by age 25 is a good question, AND if you help me transfer these multi funds a Finders fee can be pen-pal’d to you on the IMMEDIATE arrival of my

DEATH
which sadly is, even though all of our dissagreements are lush and inexpensive, basicly, inevitable ;-).

LOSE WEIGHT WITH THIS ONE EASY TRICK I TAUGHT MYSELF WHEN I WAS IN GRAMMER SCHOOL which mainly is 2 shed yr emotions, for you carry far 2 much mental baggage, are far 2 sensitive, to transfer these funds, or be trade in yr pounds for PROTEIN and make me proud in physical battle or your very own baseball stadium., a far more profitable income than drama department et ceteras and MAKEUP?! no

The point is, my dear son, there are just tons of drip wet singles in your area looking to fuck in youre area just like your lazy friends are looking to fuck around, especially that CL1NT character, isnt it WELL KNOWN SECRET that denim jackets w// lambswool lining are KNOWN STONERS ship free legal marijuana substitutes

but you dont even work hard for even anything FREE CHEAP EASY you say NEON GLOW METROPOLIS MAKESHIF LIFE but we already covered that, again, yo u are me, my biological son, recepient of funds.

MILFS in your general vicinity no longer exist and 4 that I am TRULY the most apology, your mother gone and with allimony relief accounts AFRICAN PRINCE transfer and GRATIS visits tues & thurs, every other weekend, negotiable holidays, paypal, venmoes, or cashier cheques faded in place of memory of your young face its ok if she do not REMEMBER you we have made many discount on divorce lawyers in your area.

All in all, the main takeaway is nondifferential highly transferrable currencies of LOVE in your main heart area and protection, solemn old culture and BRASH ways, we reflect and hold delicate balance before I reimburse you,the continuing correspondance? the continuation of familial regeneration?

Please to respond quickly. I eagerly await your forgiving response! Flaws aside, much mutual beneficiary will be made.

Love,
aruba_REOSPEEDWAGON_1959

Alan Hanson is a Californian writer living in Harlem.