The cephalopod version of “Shawshank Redemption” took place three months ago, but it only became public Tuesday. Inky, who already had some local renown in the coastal city of Napier, quickly became a global celebrity cheered on by strangers.

— Who needs robot octopuses when the regular ones are doing just fine at being creepy as hell! THREE MONTHS this octopus has been gone, having crawled out of his tank, walked across the floor, and squeezed himself through a six-inch-wide drainpipe in the National Aquarium of New Zealand and back into the ocean, where he belongs. HE LEFT SUCTION-CUP FOOTPRINTS. (Maybe he went to Hollywood!) I am telling you, they are coming for us, and none of this should surprise you.

“Is Staying In the New Going Out?”

Back-catalog sales numbers of note from Nielsen SoundScan.

For funsies, I decided to pull the same positions as last week’s numbers, and my, how the mighty have fallen! Just kidding, Metallica only dropped one spot, from #10 to #11. Merle Haggard died and unseated Bob Seger at #2. There was no position 191 because 3 Doors Down and Meat Loaf tied for 190, and now we all have to look up who G-Eazy is. Enjoy!

2. HAGGARD*MERLE 20 GREATEST HITS 5,575 COPIES

7. JOURNEY GREATEST HITS 3,974 COPIES

10. MARLEY*BOB & THE WAILERS LEGEND 3,256 COPIES

11. METALLICA MASTER OF PUPPETS 3,255 COPIES

36. DISTURBED SICKNESS 2,073 COPIES

53. G-­EAZY THESE THINGS HAPPEN 1,797 COPIES

75. LED ZEPPELIN LED ZEPPELIN 4 1,624 COPIES

94. LAMAR*KENDRICK GOOD KID M.A.A.D CITY 1,516 COPIES

190. 3 DOORS DOWN GREATEST HITS 1,083 COPIES

190. MEAT LOAF PLAYLIST: THE VERY BEST OF MEAT LOAF 1,083 COPIES

(Previously.)

Photo: Flickr

“Anyone who thinks that this isn’t a terrific time to be in digital content is dead wrong. It’s a fantastic time. There’s nothing cratering in the industry. It’s better than ever. It’s just different.”
 — BuzzFeed chairman Ken Lerer wants you to know that everything’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about, things are great, the future looks amazing, it’s smooth sailing ahead, and life’s going to be wonderful from now on.

If I were a man who trusted the weather I’d tell you that everything’s going to be okay from now on, but I’ve been burned too many times before to say that with an straight face. Still, I’m desperate enough to pretend. It would be wonderful to live in a world where the skies were always blue, the sun was always warm and everything was as pretty as this song right here. Lord knows nothing that nice ever happens to me — nor do I deserve it — but I’m going to imagine that it will right up until the rain comes down again. Enjoy.

★ The breeze in the colorless morning was not sharp anymore, but it was damp and unrelenting. The hydrangeas in the raised bed were crumpled to soft, rotten brown, and the mums looked trampled. The daylight grew more golden; the number on the weather app was 69. People were holding their phone conversations outdoors. The sky looked clear but the light was still thinned a little, somehow. Then it was thinned a lot, once more, and cold drops were falling out of a still mostly clear-looking sky. A quick subway ride cleared away the contradictions: It was as chilly and cloudy and raining as if the afternoon interlude had never happened.

Literally every common bot app that has been considered in the last year was also considered 20 years ago; find out what they learned then.

— Anil Dash (@anildash) April 12, 2016

There is always someone who’s been there longer to remind you that, no matter how novel something seems to you, it’s all been done before.

“I get it. In fact, I’m willing to concede the critics’ points — wearing flip-flops is unhealthy, unattractive, and disgusting. But I don’t smoke, drink very little (not for moral reasons; I have sleep apnea), and gamble even less. Everyone needs a vice, you know?”
 — Elon Green, who has previously defended his offensive and gag-inducing choice of footwear in these pages, will broadcast his shameful affection for flip-flops in any platform that will have him. Our only hope is that at some point Elon realizes he is being exploited and not celebrated for these cringe-worthy revelations. Get help, Elon. We’re all worried about you.

“So, Silk Road wasn’t just a platform for selling drugs, it was also a conspiracy to sell drugs. Similarly, Uber isn’t just a platform for ride-sharing that happens to involve price-surging, it might also be a conspiracy to price-surge. In other words, Silk Road but for ride-sharing.”

They gathered in the shade of the empty building below the double amber curves. It had been a long, hard hunt and they were tired, but resting there, protected from the heat that blazed outside, they felt better. As the younger children skinned the pelts from the giant rodents the group had captured, some of the Middle Years gathered around the Teaching Elder as she told them the legends of The Ones Who Came Before.

“They could touch the sky. They had dominion over the waters. When they hungered they would rub their fingers over a magic machine that they held in their hands and soon a meal would be brought to them.”

The youngsters sighed contentedly, dreaming of even a small part of such bounty.

“When the sun scorched the land they turned a circle on their walls and their dwellings became cool. They feared no animal and made no sacrifice so that the giant metal monsters would not come in the night and take their children. In those times the giant metal monsters did as they were bid.”

“But Teaching Elder,” interrupted one. It was D’Nim, the boldest and brashest of the Middle Years. He was always the first to climb on a giant roach’s back and wrestle it into submission if there were no other meat to be found. If he survived, he would one day be chief. “If The Ones Who Came Before had all these things, worked all this magic, what happened? Why are we not like them? Why must we live the way we live now?”

“Oh, D’Nim,” said the Teaching Elder, shaking her head. “It is a lesson for all of us. They had everything and yet that abundance is what destroyed them. They choked their rivers with poisons. The blackened their skies oil. But most of all, they grew soft and contented and their decadence lead to the Great Reckoning.”

“But how?” D’Nim persisted. “You always tell us of the Great Reckoning, but what brought it about? What made them so weak that the Bad Things were able to take control?”

The Teaching Elder sighed. She knew he could no longer shield them from the horrors of the past. She sat on the long raised altar, under the pictures of breaded chicken parts and sandwiched cow patties, and reveled the terrible truth of how it all fell apart for The Ones Who Came Before.

“No society can survive, nor does it deserve to,” she began, “when it reaches the level where its members labor on lists of where to get heated bread with avocado smeared on it.”

THE END
(or is it just the beginning?)