Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman

RAVE REVIEW


This question is casual and simply off-hand, but where are the people? I want to approach one and talk to he or she. There is nothing unusual about me, though. On the contrary, I am a normal human woman who lives here on America. I keep my typical human thoughts in my brain, which is inside my skull of bone. Just one regular human woman looking for other humans to meet and stand near, for reasons that are the same as your reasons.

Anonymous, via e-mail

OH JADA


Raise your hand if you love Jada Pinkett Smith! You can’t see it, but my hand’s already in the air! Now I’m standing on a chair so my hand can be even higher! Now I’m carving a hole in the ceiling so my hand can be the highest of all! Now I’m beating my head through the roof so I can go all the way to the top! Yaaay, Jada! Pick me, pick me!!

Lauren D., Austin, TX

SLIM PICKINGS!


OK, let me get this straight-clothes are in… stores? And you enter a store through its… entrance? And then you… ugh, this is the part where I always get it all jumbled! Man, you guys, sometimes I think I’ll just never get it. Never ever, not even if I tried as hard as I could every day for the rest of my life. Wheat from the chaff, I suppose.

Julie J., Chicago

Aniston Elle


I wish Rachel and I were on a plane together that crashed, and that we lived all alone on an island for the rest of our lives. We would sit with each other all day long, and feel so glad that we were always by ourselves. And after a while we would hold hands tightly enough that a baby would come out of our hands.

Jessica Lewis, Montgomery, AL

BONJOUR


Bonjour (hello). Je m’appelle Claudette, and I use your magazine to learn English. About me: I enjoy effortless ways to be healthier, or, alternately, quickly getting healthier today. Or, worst case scenario, ways to feel healthier every day. Among my passions is blasting more calories in less time; among my terrors is the scary truth about germs. And while it’s true I prefer feel-good food swaps that get instant results, from time to time, oui, I have been known to eat comfort food that slims. Bien sûr, I confess: Sometimes I, too, wonder about flirting my fantasies on Facebook. And, well, je ne sais pas, tristement. But we all must bear our sorrows with instant calm.

Claudette, Paris

NO YOU ARE HOT


So, I heat up the conditioner to boiling and then pour it all over my face? OK just checking! Bye!

Edith Z., Brooklyn, NY



Previously: Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines

Edith Zimmerman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.