Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman


This question is casual and simply off-hand, but where are the people? I want to approach one and talk to he or she. There is nothing unusual about me, though. On the contrary, I am a normal human woman who lives here on America. I keep my typical human thoughts in my brain, which is inside my skull of bone. Just one regular human woman looking for other humans to meet and stand near, for reasons that are the same as your reasons.

Anonymous, via e-mail


Raise your hand if you love Jada Pinkett Smith! You can't see it, but my hand's already in the air! Now I'm standing on a chair so my hand can be even higher! Now I'm carving a hole in the ceiling so my hand can be the highest of all! Now I'm beating my head through the roof so I can go all the way to the top! Yaaay, Jada! Pick me, pick me!!

Lauren D., Austin, TX


OK, let me get this straight-clothes are in… stores? And you enter a store through its… entrance? And then you… ugh, this is the part where I always get it all jumbled! Man, you guys, sometimes I think I'll just never get it. Never ever, not even if I tried as hard as I could every day for the rest of my life. Wheat from the chaff, I suppose.

Julie J., Chicago

Aniston Elle

I wish Rachel and I were on a plane together that crashed, and that we lived all alone on an island for the rest of our lives. We would sit with each other all day long, and feel so glad that we were always by ourselves. And after a while we would hold hands tightly enough that a baby would come out of our hands.

Jessica Lewis, Montgomery, AL


Bonjour (hello). Je m'appelle Claudette, and I use your magazine to learn English. About me: I enjoy effortless ways to be healthier, or, alternately, quickly getting healthier today. Or, worst case scenario, ways to feel healthier every day. Among my passions is blasting more calories in less time; among my terrors is the scary truth about germs. And while it's true I prefer feel-good food swaps that get instant results, from time to time, oui, I have been known to eat comfort food that slims. Bien sûr, I confess: Sometimes I, too, wonder about flirting my fantasies on Facebook. And, well, je ne sais pas, tristement. But we all must bear our sorrows with instant calm.

Claudette, Paris


So, I heat up the conditioner to boiling and then pour it all over my face? OK just checking! Bye!

Edith Z., Brooklyn, NY

Previously: Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines

Edith Zimmerman is a writer and editor living in Brooklyn.

23 Comments / Post A Comment

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

I HEART HAND BABIES! Yet another reason why Purell is the devil's work.

Mary HK Choi (#1,469)

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… Did you know that Purell's tagline is "imagine a touchable world®"? No thanks. Degueulasse!

mathnet (#27)

OK, let me get this straightâ€"clothes are in… stores?

Am I supposed to go inside or do they bring the clothes outside to me?

cherrispryte (#444)

I thought clothes were in closets? Are there closets in stores?

sfbirdie (#979)

What do you do with these "clothes"?

KarenUhOh (#19)

I think I just impregnated my mouse.

…but then we would have to let go, so we didn't crush the baby. But I wouldn't want to let go.
Never wanna let go, Rachel. Never let go!

Hobbesian (#255)

I can't wait to print this post out and paste it in my feel-good scrapbook.

afarerkind (#379)

Construct collapses over conditioner contradiction.

Bucko (#1,599)

Lame. Sarcasm can be great, but making fun of people that don't even exist? Sad.

afarerkind (#379)

If they don't exist then someone made them up.

Jada Pinkett exists, no matter what the grown ups tell you.


Bittersweet (#765)

Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, is just a very cleverly constructed audio-animatronic from Disney.

LondonLee (#922)

Jada Pinkett Smith is someone's favorite celebrity?

My mind is well and truly boggled.

mattymatt (#495)

If my cooled conditioner comes into contact with the warm, humid air of the shower, will it form hail?

spanish bombs (#562)

I thought this was better using italics as opposed to images.

Pop Socket (#187)

But the letters to Penthouse are real, right?

Tulletilsynet (#333)

My ice cream is melting in a grocery bag and I can't run and put it in the freezer because it is Edith Day on the Awl.

HiredGoons (#603)

How is it possible to see Jennifer Aniston as more than just an actress when she is barely even an actress?

Haaated her!

Mindpowered (#948)

Ah the love child of Dorothy Parker and Guy De' Maupassant returns.

Ramesh kamuni (#13,881)

Ramesh kamuni
mobile:+91 92460 87265

Most of the banks were asking surety for getting loan.
But what is about students or people from low middle class and poor
students or people. how to get even small amount of loan if I don't
have surety from settled parson.
I want help in getting educational loan for my education here in
university of Hyderabad madam/sir.
please try to help in getting loan for me.

Thanking you
Yours truly
Ramesh kamuni.
Room no 106,F-hostel,university of Hyderabad,Hyderabad-500046,India.

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