I had no plans to buy an iPad-I have no plans to ever buy an iPhone, and if I do you are authorized to strike me in the face with something sharp and rusty-so I did not really follow the frenzy of speculation on all the functions what we until very recently referred to as the Apple Tablet might contain. Still, I’m a little taken aback by the immediate and vocal lack of enthusiasm for the product. What does it lack? What was everyone hoping for that did not materialize? This is a very rough thought that I may or may not refine, so take it as such, but the iPad is a lot like Barack Obama: Everyone was able to project their own fantasies and aspirations on a product with which they were mostly unfamiliar, only to sour on it once they realized that it did not live up to their impossible expectations. Only with the iPad it took about seven minutes for the disappointment to set in. I don’t know what that says about our accelerated culture or how we confuse hype and excitement for the tangible realities of life, but it says something. I mean, probably. Like I said, I’m still trying to work it all out.

This parody of Andy Samberg’s cookie cutter SNL Digital Shorts is actually pretty good! [Via]

Remember how when you were a kid and a guest was coming to speak to your class your teacher would sit you all down beforehand and talk to you about how important it was that you were all on your best behavior? Well, this is exactly like that, except these are ostensibly adults who need to be reminded not to shout things at the President of the United States. America!

by Liz Colville

This article documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses.

This article is about Apple’s allegedly portable device iPad. For other uses, see iPad (disambiguation). For the handheld digital music device, see iPod. For the gadget that looks like something Jon King would flash during a CNN election broadcast, see iPad(2).

iPad was a prototype for a feminine hygiene product that purported to digitize a woman’s menstruation cycle and store it on a password-protected Web server.[1] In the trademark application submitted by the inventor, Larry Bobson, the iPad was described as a “a light-weight, leak-proof device that, for the first time, will allow women to perform the acrobatics illustrated in television ads for tampons and sanitary napkins, rather than just aspire to them. No longer will women feel frustrated watching commercial actresses leap over fire hydrants, attempt gymnastics routines, and randomly flail their legs around to illustrate the point that their menstrual protection doesn’t leak. With iPad, a woman’s cycle continues as normal, it just doesn’t happen down there.”[2]

Bobson, who claims the iPad as his only invention, became embroiled in controversy over the device when early testers reported quitting their jobs, breaking up with their significant others and sending angry texts to friends in the days surrounding the “upload period.”[3] Testers also reported finding Bobson creepy.[4] At an emotional press conference in 2001, Bobson responded to a growing chorus of skeptics, who were demanding more disclosure about the device, by saying he couldn’t “be expected to invent something that would prevent women from being women.”[5] Though the FDA was more than happy to approve the device without knowing anything about it except its name, which a spokesperson reportedly called “catchy,”[6] a Bush Administration official blocked the passage of the device in 2002, saying it was “1984-ish” and “sound[ed] a hell of a lot like pro-choice to me.”[7]

Bobson retired in 2009 at the age of 27 when Apple Computer, Inc. bought the rights to the name iPad for an undisclosed six-figure sum.[8] See iPad(2).

Liz Colville is a history expert.

“That business of objecting to the subject material or the people that an author writes about is purely class prejudice, and you will note that it always disappears with an author’s death,” writer Louis Auchincloss once noted. “Nobody holds it against Henry James or Edith Wharton or Thackeray or Marcel Proust.” We will soon find out. Auchincloss, whose chronicles of the monied elite drew both praise and scorn, passed away on Tuesday at the age of 92.

It turns out that gingers-the world’s most maligned ethnic group-actually evolved from dinosaurs. So be more nice to them, okay? They’re living history!

Yeah, that was from about 1:10 p.m. to about 1:30 p.m. I would say expect more starting now. UPDATE: Oh, nice rebound circa 2:30! Okay, not bad! I rescind some schadenfreude!

Good news! “A dog which drifted for four freezing days on river ice has been rescued nearly 20 miles out to sea by scientists who initially mistook him for a seal. The plight of the mongrel dubbed ‘Baltic’ gripped the Polish media who logged various doomed rescue attempts on his chilly 125-mile journey.” The dog is as yet unclaimed, but may very well be adopted by his rescuers. Do click through: there is a picture of a safe and dry Baltic that will touch the heart of even the coldest dog-haters out there.

Trending topics on Twitter, 1:48 P.M., Wednesday, January 27. What an age in which we live!

1. iNowPronounceYouChuckAndLarry