Head to The Smoking Gun for “an entertaining selection of complaint letters sent to turnpike officials by motorists who ran into assorted trouble when trying to pay their way on the Garden State Parkway or the New Jersey Turnpike.”

Despite what is surely deliberate obstruction, in the form of having deleted John Yoo’s emails, the Department of Justice’s Office of Professional Responsibility still found grounds to come down on Bush administration-era torture memo writer Yoo (though not on his junior level memo writer, who was two years out of law school and a a former Justice Thomas clerk). This, despite the fact that the OPR rarely investigates claims at all, and when they do, their honcho disappears them. And yes, once again DoJ boss David Margolis has decreed that, though the memo prepared by his staff clearly describes “professional misconduct” (at best!), that no action should be forthcoming against Yoo and company and that the memo itself is “not persuasive.” His case is very weak.

The report is still worth a read, even though it now means nothing and no one cares.

As a sidebar, I enjoyed in this little bit of the report which demonstrates how openly we now refer to our fine secret CIA prison black sites! Remember when no one would talk about those?

More relevant is Yoo’s pursuit, in building his memos, of the idea of “specific intent.”

The application of intent in this way is a backdoor; if it looks or feels like torture, it isn’t, because the torturer knows that it will not be deadly to the torturee. So that means it’s okay.

And here is where Yoo was schooled for that idea, by Michael Chertoff. The author of the Patriot Act! OF ALL PEOPLE.

Sad day for America, etc. Guess we all have to move on now, content in the knowledge that at least it’s clearly down in black and white that some people in our government tried everything in their power to make torture not torture for their own reasons.

Interesting if slightly creepy article at Fast Company about “addictive sounds.” Author and “neuromarketing” consultant Martin Lindstrom’s collaborated with Elias Sound productions on a study that “wired up 50 volunteers and measured their galvanic, pupil and brainwave responses to sounds using the latest neuroscience-based research methods.”

Let’s fly right past any questions about the study’s definition of “addictive” or the validity of those “latest neuroscience-based research methods” and get to the results. (All sounds can be heard at the Fast Company article.) Lindstrom divides the sounds tested into two categories: branded and non-branded.

Here are the top ten with both categories combined:
1. Baby giggle
2. Intel
3. Vibrating phone
4. ATM / cash register
5. National Geographic
6. MTV
7. T-Mobile Ringtone
8. McDonald’s
9. ‘Star Spangled Banner’
10. State Farm

Here are the top 10 branded sounds:
1. Intel
2. National Geographic
3. MTV
4. T-Mobile
5. McDonald’s
7. State Farm
8. AT&T; Ringtone
9. Home Depot
10 Palm Treo Ringtone

National Geographic’s prominence is surprising, no? I’d be curious to know where the sound of Microsoft windows opening ranked. And it’s probably best to note that Elias Sound created the MTV theme and that Lindstrom is an advisor to McDonald’s executives.

Here are the top 10 non-branded sounds:
1. Baby giggle
2. Vibrating phone
3. ATM / cash register
4. ‘Star Spangled Banner’
5. Sizzling steak
6. ‘Hail to the Chief’
7. Cigarette light and inhale
8. ‘Wedding March’
9. ‘Wish Upon a Star’
10. Late Night with David Letterman Theme

Testimony to the genius of Timbaland (who actually sampled the cooing baby he used to help make Aaliyah’s “Are You That Somebody?” such a huge smash no. 1 hit from the end of Prince’s “Delirious.”) And Pink Floyd and Dr. Dre. Strange to learn that the David Letterman theme song is not “branded.” And sad that the sounds of crashing waves and chirping birds, which were both used in the study, did not crack the top ten. You’d think the fizz of a carbonated beverage being poured would have been up there. And I wonder whether they did a fart?

Disturbingly, but probably accurately, Lindstrom concludes that,

As marketers become more aware of the power of sound, it will be used to increase brand recognition in increasingly sophisticated ways. It’s just a matter of time before our brains hear sizzling steaks, newly lit cigarettes and sparkling sodas, and immediately register them as Outback, Marlboro and Dr. Pepper.

Man, whichever human cloning company locks down that baby giggle is going to make a fortune.

Here’s a heartbreaking New York Times correction to a story about New Yorker editor David Remnick’s forthcoming Barack Obama book: “An earlier version of this post misquoted Mr. Remnick on his comparison between the book and a New Yorker article he had previously written. He said the book would not be a ‘pumped up’ version of the article; he did not say that it would not be a ‘pimped out’ version of the article.” [Via]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uP5zQJVpi7U

Has anyone done one of these yet where Hitler is outraged that it’s been 24 hours since some kind of “significant” event and there hasn’t been a Downfall parody of it uploaded to the Internet yet? Because that could be kind of funny. Anyway, here ya go. [Via]

“Pope Benedict XVI has criticised the use of airport body scanners, insisting that ‘human dignity must be preserved.’”

“I’d like people to realize that even when you are incredibly bored on an airplane, you can put that time into making something that can make a lot of people happy for just a few moments. Lots of ‘wasted time’ can be an opportunity to pull from the mundane world around you and extract something of interest or value.”
-The creator of SKY MALL KITTY speaks the truth in a very exclusive interview!

Suck it, Barbara Ehrenreich: Science says that positive thinking can make you happier! “Despite the finding that happiness is partially genetically determined, and despite the finding that life situations have a smaller influence on our happiness than we think they do, we argue that still a large portion of happiness is in our power to change,” says UC Riverside psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky. The article includes five activities in which you can engage to make yourself more chipper. (There is also, naturally, an iPhone app.) They are mostly on the order of thinking nice thoughts about yourself and others. Fair enough-some of these things very well may work-but I still have doubts. Why? Because I personally know the actual secret to happiness. There are five simple rules, and a bonus caveat. Would you like to hear them? Very well, come closer.

1. Be kind to other people. Ignore those people to whom you cannot be kind. When you are seized with the urge to be rude to or about someone, clear your mind, preferably with a drink.

2. Be content with your own successes, whatever they are. No one is doing “better” than you, even in cases where this seems demonstrably untrue. What do they have that you don’t? Money? Healthcare? Famous Golfer-amounts of sex? Focus on whatever you have in your own life-it could be something as simple as a favorite CD, or a bottle of bourbon-and remind yourself that these are tangible things that bring you happiness no matter what.

3. Listen. There is nothing nicer you can do than listen to another person unspool their own sorrows and insecurities and general discontentment with life. Nod frequently, leave plenty of spaces for them to continue, pat them on the shoulder appreciatively when appropriate. If this is particularly difficult to do-and we all know someone it is almost impossible to tolerate in these situations-try to have the conversation over a series of drinks. You will feel better for having been “a sympathetic ear,” you will feel better about your own life, and you will feel better because of the drinks.

4. Endure suffering as stoically as possible. Surely you’ve had one of those dark nights where the idea of a quick plunge off the fire escape seems like an eminently sensible solution. In many cases you are probably right. But it will pass, I promise. And there’s a new season of “Party Down” coming soon; do you really want to miss that? Probably best to put a lock on the window, hide the cutlery, and hole up with a nice bottle of something until you start to feel better about things. Or pass out.

5. Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Grab a couple of drinks with them.

It seems like common sense, right? Be nice, be good, be kind, don’t be envious, keep things in perspective, remind your loved ones how special they are to you, try to find the best in everyone. Now I personally cannot adhere to any of these rules all the time. Odds are, neither can you. We are human beings, not saints. Most days you will fail at all of these, several times, frequently simultaneously. It’s okay. That is the real secret to happiness: Knowing that mostly you are not going to be happy. Once you accept that, you will find yourself surprisingly relaxed. Particularly if you keep a bottle nearby, which is pretty much key to the whole thing. Here endeth the lesson.

“Take a pencil to write with on aeroplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can’t sharpen it on the plane, because you can’t take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils.”
-Margaret Atwood explains how to write.

Come tax time, many of the gays find themselves in a tricky and possibly leaky lil’ tax boat. Instead of flying planes into IRS buildings, however, which is simply inappropriate, most of them, you know, find ways to mitigate the consequences of a GOVERNMENT-RUN PROGRAM OF INEQUITY. Says one expert: “Heterosexual married couples ‘can arrange their affairs any way they want without a tax burden, and generally that doesn’t happen for gay and lesbians.’” Where is the anthraxing and the outrage? Maybe gay people just don’t ever have airplane pilots’ licenses?