“As a specific Threat Event, the anticipated catastrophic effects resulting from 2012 are far greater than the anticipated effects from WMD’s, anarchy, climate change or any of the other specific Threat Events for which we have developed mitigation designs.” Anarchy: it’s a specific Threat Event now! But fear not: Hardened Structures Hardened Shelters LLC is here to help in the next two years and 8 months or whatever! The trickiest thing about your 2012 Mitigation Shelter is that no one yet knows what exactly what we’re hunkering down about, but we’ll find out! (Unless we’re in a shelter.) As the builders point out: “While the shelter will be designed and constructed to mitigate the anticipated effects of 12/21/2012, no one knows for certain what, if anything will actually occur on this date.” This is just like Y2K but scarier. I mean, ANYTHING could have happened then, right? Literally anything.

Pot farmers in Humboldt County, California, are worried that prices for their crop will fall if the state legalizes marijuana. They’re going to get together tonight to talk shop, which should be an amazing conversation.

“The real reason, and I mean the REAL reason why we all want largest available ROCK is to because we want it as a weapon. A social weapon. We want to able to scratch with ethernal jelousy [sic throughout] and envy the heart of our current future female friends and enemies, so, even when we will turn into a fat, ordinary, ugly and old woman in the next 60 years, we could always, always make an subtle movement with the hand, reach something, wave good bye, just anything, so the light catches an edge, deflects on one or two faces of the stone, just make a sparkle or bling, just for a instant. But that instant, brief as a blink, is enough for us to remember our capacity to be at the same level of most females of our class. May be even dismiss all smaller stone ringers. That subtle moment will last a tenth of a second. But in our hearts the power will remain constant as well as our sweet thoughts of you giving, for giving us that power or illusion of power.”
-Are you married to this Slate commenter? And if so, ARE YOU OKAY? Is it awesome? Or terrifying?

Imagine A Day When Your Medical History Could Be In One Secure Place, Easily Accessed By Your Doctors, Who Could Collaborate More Effectively And Embarrass You In Front Of An Auditorium Full Of Strangers

It took me a few times watching this G.E. commercial to realize that they were saying that an easily accessible database for sharing patients’ medical history was a good thing. It’s confusing.

The patient is clearly uncomfortable, sitting there in his underwear, before an audience of authority figures he didn’t originally know was there. It’s sort of a nightmare, right? A common one. All these people are watching me. They have all this information about me! My smoking habit, the glandular disorder, the time I thought that heat rash was skin cancer. What about IBS? Or venereal disease? Or that time I got that thing stuck in that uncomfortable place?

And now everybody’s talking about it! Doesn’t this ad tap into the very insecurities that makes people reluctant to share important information with their doctors in the first place? Not to mention what the tea-partiers will think, now that the death-panel bill has passed. I mean, I think that this kind of technology is good. But I worry that this ad sends the opposite message. It’s like a paranoid drug fantasy come to life. Give me my pants back. I have to get out of here.

Science: “NEPTUNE may have polished off a super-Earth that once roamed the outer solar system and stolen its moon to boot. The brutal deed could explain mysterious heat radiating from the icy planet and the odd orbit of its moon Triton.” Yes, that gluttonous orb that is Neptune may very well have eaten another planet and absconded with its satellite, but is that really much of a surprise? All of our planets are selfish, vengeful scumbags. Here are some of the terrible secrets about them that may come as news to you.

Mercury: This “warrior” planet is always up for a scrape, and it doesn’t care how big the opponent. Known for getting extremely belligerent, particularly when drunk, Mercury once fought an entire solar system during a tequila bender. Even though it got its ass kicked, it didn’t learn its lesson, and will still “bust a cap” in another planet’s “ass” if it gets too close to its orbit.

Venus: Venus pretends to be everyone’s best friend, but the moment your rotation turns toward the sun, it starts saying terrible things about you to other planets, revealing personal confidences it had sworn to keep to itself. Once slept with Uranus’ boyfriend when Uranus was out of town.

Earth: Due to its deep-seated arrogance and disregard for the effects its actions might have on anyone else, Earth was responsible for causing the financial crisis through the manipulation of a series of complex structured asset-backed securities whose value was derived from a portfolio of fixed-income underlying assets.

Mars: Never passes up a chance to make an anti-Semitic joke.

Jupiter: This prick thinks that just because it’s the biggest thing out there it can do whatever it wants, a list that includes cheating at cards, lying about its SAT scores, and taking a giant dump on the kitchen table of Uranus’ boyfriend during that party he threw when Uranus was out of town.

Saturn: Oh my God, is there any planet more boring than Saturn? Do not get stuck next to it during a party unless you want to hear a two-hour monologue on how the work of Michelangelo Antonioni was far superior to that of any of his contemporaries but is never credited as such because of the philistine nature of the average filmgoer. Also, always makes a big show of saying that he’s bi, but actually only sleeps with men (including, one drunken night, Uranus’ boyfriend).

Uranus: Boo hoo hoo, I’m such a victim! My boyfriend always sleeps around on me but I never leave him, even after that one night when he hit me! WE GET IT, Uranus, it’s tough to be you. Yes, it must suck to have a name that makes everyone immediately think of the anus of the person they are talking to, but show a little spine. Your lack of self-esteem is like a giant fucking “kick me” sign that shines across the solar system. And it wouldn’t kill you to work out a bit, if you know what I mean.

Neptune: Planet-eater, asteroid-raper, unrepentant Journey fan.

Pluto: Kidding! You’re not a planet, Pluto! Nice try sneaking onto this list, but you’re out, do you hear me? OUT.

The same kind of scientists “frauds” who talk about “climate change” are also claiming that we are “running out of oil.” Sarah Palin is going to be pissed. Just insert scare quotes throughout: The scientist and researchers from Oxford University claimed official figures are inflated because Opec member countries over-reported reserves in the 1980s when competing for global market share. The new research, released today, said estimates of conventional reserves should be downgraded from 1.15 trillion barrels to 1.35 trillion barrels to between 850 billion and 900 billion barrels, adding that demand may outstrip supply as early as 2014.” And what’s more? Shia LaBeouf agrees that now is the time to go big in the market on oil! (Previously; previously; via.)

“What’s up” with the BBC and its “constant use” of quotation marks? I mean “a few of these” are quotes but most are just sort of random bits of “fun-poking”? Which gets weird when you put “trafficked slave” in “quotes”?

by Abe Sauer

Rosemarie Klossner
Shirley Hoffman
Judith Saniter
Barbara H. Callies
Fances Mietzel
Lillian Tillema
Eunice ‘Pinky’ Stofflet
Beverly Reedy
Leona Loeffler
Alyce J Schoenwetter
Darlene Kirchoff
Diana Zimmerman
Mary Reilley
Carol Ulbricht
Ila Linde
Diane Wendt
Delores Schuler
Beverly Herbst
Nancy Naomi Schwantz
Sherren Masche
Donna Zuehlke
Angeline Andler
Janice Chatham
Ruby Abel
Luise Bubolz
Evelyn Langmack
Carolyn Sue Onstad
Faces Becker
Ruth Johnson
Betty Hummelmeier
Genevieve Schulze
Caroline Gilmore
Kimberle A. Steinberg
Lorraine Pederson
Shirly Schumann
Helene Fierke
Cora Manthe
Betty Gallenbeck
Majorie Fischer
Angeline Riege
Gwendolyn Ebert
Sonja Hiley
Dorthy Bowman
Irma Weidmer
Athea Davidson
Marily Loeck
Rosina Kranz
Barbara Frankenstein

“Benedict XVI, like many of his predecessors, is often called on to confront very difficult situations…. The way in which he responds is remarkably efficient, at least for all those who are not guided by totally hostile sentiments, and it is efficient both for its humility and sincerity and for the sound reasoning of the pope. The pastoral letter to the Irish is only the most recent example of his great charisma…. Our people know how to differentiate between human error, and history is full of this, and the huge fruits of goodness which have come and continue to come from our Christian roots.”
-As the growing outrage in Europe over past sexual molestation of children by Catholic clergy threatens to consume the papacy of Benedict XVI, the Holy Father-who penned a letter this weekend expressing regret to the Church’s Irish victims-can take comfort in the fact that he has the strong support of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Because that’s the guy you want by your side during a sex scandal.

“Insiders say,” as these sorts of items always begin on Deadline, this one describing how Paramount said “WHY NOT?” to Jackass 3: Now With 3D or whatever it’s called, “some of the footage displayed how Steve-O, Johnny Knoxville and cohorts doing their usual pratfalls, but the stunt that really won the day was called ‘The Heli-cockter.’ One of the Jackass crew-I believe it was ‘Party Boy’ Chris Pontius-tethered a remote control-operated helicopter to his penis, and sat there grinning as the copter swung in circles, flying out at the spectacle-wearing Paramount executives who green lit the film.” From the best comment ever on that site: “The only rule these guys have violated is not making a film EVERY SUMMER.”