The Planets: What You Need To Know

Bunch of bastards

Science: “NEPTUNE may have polished off a super-Earth that once roamed the outer solar system and stolen its moon to boot. The brutal deed could explain mysterious heat radiating from the icy planet and the odd orbit of its moon Triton.” Yes, that gluttonous orb that is Neptune may very well have eaten another planet and absconded with its satellite, but is that really much of a surprise? All of our planets are selfish, vengeful scumbags. Here are some of the terrible secrets about them that may come as news to you.

Mercury: This “warrior” planet is always up for a scrape, and it doesn’t care how big the opponent. Known for getting extremely belligerent, particularly when drunk, Mercury once fought an entire solar system during a tequila bender. Even though it got its ass kicked, it didn’t learn its lesson, and will still “bust a cap” in another planet’s “ass” if it gets too close to its orbit.

Venus: Venus pretends to be everyone’s best friend, but the moment your rotation turns toward the sun, it starts saying terrible things about you to other planets, revealing personal confidences it had sworn to keep to itself. Once slept with Uranus’ boyfriend when Uranus was out of town.

Earth: Due to its deep-seated arrogance and disregard for the effects its actions might have on anyone else, Earth was responsible for causing the financial crisis through the manipulation of a series of complex structured asset-backed securities whose value was derived from a portfolio of fixed-income underlying assets.

Mars: Never passes up a chance to make an anti-Semitic joke.

Jupiter: This prick thinks that just because it’s the biggest thing out there it can do whatever it wants, a list that includes cheating at cards, lying about its SAT scores, and taking a giant dump on the kitchen table of Uranus’ boyfriend during that party he threw when Uranus was out of town.

Saturn: Oh my God, is there any planet more boring than Saturn? Do not get stuck next to it during a party unless you want to hear a two-hour monologue on how the work of Michelangelo Antonioni was far superior to that of any of his contemporaries but is never credited as such because of the philistine nature of the average filmgoer. Also, always makes a big show of saying that he’s bi, but actually only sleeps with men (including, one drunken night, Uranus’ boyfriend).

Uranus: Boo hoo hoo, I’m such a victim! My boyfriend always sleeps around on me but I never leave him, even after that one night when he hit me! WE GET IT, Uranus, it’s tough to be you. Yes, it must suck to have a name that makes everyone immediately think of the anus of the person they are talking to, but show a little spine. Your lack of self-esteem is like a giant fucking “kick me” sign that shines across the solar system. And it wouldn’t kill you to work out a bit, if you know what I mean.

Neptune: Planet-eater, asteroid-raper, unrepentant Journey fan.

Pluto: Kidding! You’re not a planet, Pluto! Nice try sneaking onto this list, but you’re out, do you hear me? OUT.