Blogger Janet Malcolm (Ha, I am LOLing, I just wanted to write that!) is having a hard time with her autobiography, so she is blogging about it. Which: 1. SHIVERS. A Janet Malcolm autobiography! Abandoned or not! 2. SHIVERS. 3. “I have been aware, as I write this autobiography, of a feeling of boredom with the project. My efforts to make what I write interesting seem pitiful. My hands are tied, I feel.” 4. *screams*

Bobby Apple is a fast-rising star on the Fabulis A-gay social ranking list game thing! Unfortunately, he is made-up. Does not exist. Nice rack though! But invented by vengeful gays! Very popular still. Getting lots of friend requests! Totally imaginary.

In the wake of the rise in threats and acts of violence against Democratic members of Congress who supported the health care bill, Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) is taking a strong stand. He’s against it. Specifically, he’s against Democrats “politicizing” it, or even talking about it, really, because God knows all you need to do to set off some brickthrowing gun nut is to put out a press release noting that your office has been damaged. Some might be tempted to see this as a remarkably transparent attempt by Cantor to distance the Republican party from recent disgraceful behavior and to portray Democrats as whiny pussies who are wetting their pants over a few minor death threats and incidents of vandalism in hopes that they might further their agenda, but I think that’s a little too cynical. Eric Cantor knows exactly who most vociferously supports The Party of No, and he knows exactly what they’re capable of. I think he’s genuinely concerned for the safety of his friends across the aisle, and this is how he’s trying to help.

Nerds everywhere are losing their minds over the sneak peek of the Photoshop “Content-Aware Fill” and SO AM I. Basically all the comments on the demo video are like “WHA?” and “OH NOW I’M OUT OF A JOB THANKS.” Just think what this new technology will do to magazine cover models!

“I’m always in a good mood. And regarding make up, I don’t use much; I don’t need it as much as Berlusconi. I’m young, in good shape and haven’t had a facelift.”
–Mercedes Bresso, governor of Italy’s Piedmont region, responds to a jibe from Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who suggested that Bresso was always in a sour mood because “when she gets up, she looks at herself in the mirror to put her make-up on — and sees herself. And so her day is already ruined.” It’s one of Berlusconi’s favorite jokes!

Here is of those moments when the internet shows you that there are other people who pretty much know exactly how your dumb brain operates, either because their brains operate the same dumb way, or, more frighteningly, because their brains are smarter and they’re hoping to somehow profit off this fact. Even worse, they work faster than you: I read a story at Discovery this morning about how South African wineries have been having a problem with baboons sneaking into their vineyards and eating the grapes.

The baboons are clever; they swing onto private property from trees, tunnel under barriers and test electric fences for weak spots. They prefer the sweet pinot noir grapes to merlot or cabernet sauvignon. “Sometimes the baboons even get an alcohol kick,” it said, “by feasting on discarded grape skins that have fermented in the sun. After gobbling up the skins, the animals stumble around before sleeping it off in a shady spot.”

Well, there’s something I’d like to watch, I thought, because I am simple-minded and easily amused. Drunk baboons! Other people might like to watch that too! So I go on YouTube and type in “drunk baboons,” to see if I can find some amusing footage. There’s nothing much good: lots of video of drunk people behaving in ways that make other people say they’re like baboons

. And one video, seemingly taken from a 1970 nature documentary about animals in the savanna eating fermented fruit from the marula tree, shows drunk animals acting funny with a soundtrack that sounds like it’s from an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Scooby-Doo maybe. But nothing specific enough to baboons and wine.

So I type that in, “baboons wine,” and immediately find the video above, which doesn’t really show drunk baboons but is instead a montage of pictures of baboons at South African wineries apparently produced, sort of as a commercial, by the Nederberg winery? It was put up just yesterday by someone called GoldensGirl1, includes the photo that runs with the Discovery story, and loosely paraphrases that story in its accompanying informational text. It seems as if it were made just for some baboon-happy doofus, just like myself. Someone GoldensGirl1 would know would be searching YouTube soon after reading the Discovery story. Someone who then might post the video on a blog. Am I that transparent? Yes. Yes, I am. And they used Toto’s “Africa” as a soundtrack. So, there you go.

“In America the misuse of language is usually cultural rather than political. People will accuse Obama of being a socialist. Italians would say magari — if only. However, no one takes this very seriously. What we have instead in the US is cultural communities policing what can and can’t be said, and that shapes how we define difference. The idea is that you can’t have an elite, since elitism is undemocratic and unegalitarian. Therefore, you always make the point that people are in some important way the same. If they are badly disabled like me, they are ‘differently abled’, which I find very amusing. It is not a ‘different’ ability: it is no ability. But since it’s politically uncomfortable to distinguish between people who can do things and people who can’t, the latter are described as separate but equal. There are numerous things wrong with this: first, it is lousy language; second, it creates the illusion of sameness or achievement in its absence; third, it conceals the effects of real power and capacity, real wealth and influence. You describe everyone as having the same chances when actually some people have more chances than others. And with this cheating language of equality deep inequality is allowed to happen much more easily.”
-Spare some time today to read this interview with Tony Judt, who just continues to impress.

The Sun brings word of professor Roy Maxion, who has done research on the variations in typing speed, rhythm, and weight to determine the age and gender of the typist. Says former police inspector Phil Butler, an official on the record, of Maxion, “He can now identify anyone using a keyboard within a 95 per cent accuracy within ten keystrokes. As soon as you type ten numbers or letters he can work out your sex, your culture, your age and whether you have any hand injuries.” It is suggested that this method of identification could help alert children that they are actually IMing with an adult-perhaps even a member of the clergy, whose years of handling the sacrament has surely affected his keystrokes-rather than a sexting partner of their own age. It all seems a bit unlikely to me, but then again ALL CAPS and an AOL address are already used to identify crazy people, so maybe there’s something to it.

You’ve seen a lot of photos that Jim Marshall took. Johnny Cash, flipping the bird on his way off stage at San Quentin Prison, Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire at the Monterey Jazz and Pop Festival, The Allman Brothers sitting on their equipment outside the Fillmore East. He is generally regarded as rock n’ roll’s greatest photographer and his work graced the covers of more than 500 albums. “Jim’s pictures of the music makers are extraordinary for many reasons,” wrote his friend, the actor Michael Douglas, in the forward to Marshall’s 1997 book, Not Fade Away. “As a human being and as an artist, he has never shied away from honesty. His style is very ‘in your face,’ and yet he inspires trust and confidence in the people he photographs, and the shared intimacy is caught in a millisecond. And there it is. Forever.”

Marshall died in his sleep Tuesday night, of causes as yet unknown, in a hotel room in New York City.