I’m not sure where this falls on the let them read trash v. make them read quality spectrum, but here’s the plot of a new children’s book (written, naturally, by a hedge fund manager): “Mrs. Buttkiss is the charming tale of a big woman with a big secret. She’s been holding in a fart … forever. And she’s terrified of what will happen when she finally lets it out. So what happens when Mrs. B finally lets it out? Will her greatest fears be realized? Or will the outcome be … magical?” I’m guessing “magical!”

According to the Science and Newspapers both, each night 300,000 American women sleep-eat. Yup. Those are the FACTS. “Upwards of 10 percent of adults suffer from some sort of parasomnia,” and “about 1 percent, mostly women, raid the refrigerator.” That is math. That’s the entire population of the city and parish of New Orleans. Sleep-eaters! You know who also composes a large segment of the American population? SLEEP LIARS.

Breaking news: THE PUFFY FORMER BOY-BANDER AND SOMETIME ACTOR IS INVENTING A NEW SOCIAL CURRENCY. I’m so scared. I don’t know. It seems to have started with this plea on, where else, Twitter: “Its so hot in the city!!!!!!!!! I’m sweating!!!!! Somebody HUMP the sh*t out of me!!!!!!” Which…??? And now?

This is the kind of labor you have to perform to stay famous now. It’s nuts. I have to wonder about his labor value, on an hourly rate; entertaining and/or sexing up random strangers on Twitter: is it worth more than, like, actually working? It might be! Is this what I should be doing? Would it be profitable for my brand?

With the prostitution problem in Treviso, Italy, proving perilous for motorists-some of whom, say a local mayor, are so disoriented by the site of the many barely-dressed prostitutes that they are getting into auto accidents-the authorities have introduced signs advising of the prostitutes’ presence. But this has proven confusing to the locals, one of whom wondered, “Does it mean I have to look out for prostitutes crossing or that they are available around here?”

“It is only now that we can piece together information for a rounded picture of Gandhi’s excessive self-belief in the power of his own sexuality. Tragically for him, he was already being sidelined by the politicians at the time of independence. The preservation of his vital fluid did not keep India intact, and it was the power-brokers of the Congress Party who negotiated the terms of India’s freedom.”
-Jad Adams’ new biography of Mohandas K. Gandhi focuses on the little-discussed sexual habits of the spiritual leader, who preached celibacy but would test his resolve by sleeping naked next to attractive young women. The “vital fluid” mentioned here is indeed Mahatma-juice.

by Robert Lanham

Just when I’d “discovered the magic” of Celtic Thunder and become certain that nothing could more effortlessly succeed at making my ears bleed, a friend sent me a link to North Carolina’s WinterBand-the most disturbing Christian rock band since, well, since ever. If you’re a geriatric, hobo-wizard, Jesus freak with a dirty mop-head hanging from your chin, it’s probably not the best idea to be too critical of others. But that doesn’t stop WinterBand’s namesake, Steve Winter, from attacking Catholics, Muslims, democrats, women and countless others for the intolerable sin of being outside his confusing comfort zone.

It’s hard to fathom that WinterBand band isn’t a joke, something imagined by a deeply disturbed idiot savant in the throes of a swine flu fever dream. But this classic rock-loving crew of bearded bible thumpers is the real deal. They’ve got their own YouTube channel with dozens of hysterically-retro videos. Winter even has his own preaching series where he outlines dozens of reasons why you’ll be spending eternity in a “lake of fire.”

But let’s talk about their music. As it says on their website, WinterBand are a “father and son Christian rock/blues/metal band.” Steve plays guitar and his clean-shaven son rocks the drums. Their sound ranges from Led Zeppelin to ZZ Top to The Spin Doctors, and if you close your eyes and pretend you’re not listening to a crew of inflammatory religious fanatics who dress like homeless warlocks, they’re actually pretty hilarious in a campy sort of way. Senator Zell Miller is apparently a fan. Best of all they’re prolific. For the uninitiated, I’ve assembled a collection of their essential work.

1. “Hippie on Grandma’s Wall”

This was the band’s latest 2010 single-until they dropped “Bound and Determined to Burn” just yesterday!-and clearly it’s destined to become a huge hit. If you’re confused by the message, let me explain. Winter thinks depictions of Jesus with long hair are sacrilegious. “If a man has long hair, it is a shame unto him,” says Winter. Though clearly he’s an advocate for beards, Winter says it’s okay for dudes to shave as long as they’re not doing so “for effeminate reasons.” Keeping your hair short is a recurring theme in their lyrics, though it should be noted that “real Christian women don’t cut their hair.”

2. “Obama Muslim 911”

This SEO-inflected doozy was produced on the eve of the 2008 presidential election “as an act of patriotism and reverence for 911.” If you like the political stuff, don’t miss the McCain Boogie, which features some fine guitar work by Winter.

3. “Where Babies Come From”

Prog rock meets pro-life lunacy… somehow the two just seem to go together.

4. “Narrow Way”

This is just one of dozens of songs about how Christians who believe in the trinity are “lukewarm, infidel reprobate trash” which in secular terms translates to “dicks.”

5. “Whirlwind”

Perhaps their heaviest rocker. If Winter had some bat blood in that tangled mop on his face, it would almost feel like they’re channeling Black Sabbath.

6. “The Devil”

Some serious shredding by Winter on this one.

7. “Jesus Died and Went to Hell”

Another rocker and winner of WinterBand’s most badass title. I’d love to hear Mastodon do a cover.

8. “Shame Shame Shame”

In Winter’s own words: “It is a sin for women to speak out and address the congregation during a worship service and rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft.” On the other hand, Jesus loves hearing second-rate Moody Blues jams performed by men dressed like J. R. R. Tolkien characters.

9. “Grace 2008”

This little anti-Muslim ditty is the subject of a confusing anticensorship tirade on the band’s website that I’m tempted to make fun of, but will avoid doing so out of fear that Winter will try to locate me and kill me.

Musicians, take note! “WinterBand is looking for a new bass player to allow Bobo to fulfill his long term ambition to pursue a career as a greeter for a well known discount chain. We will miss him but must agree that it is for the best. It would be nice if the new bass player was better than him.” Clean-shaven effeminate pussies need not apply.

Robert Lanham is the author of the beach-towel classic The Emerald Beach Trilogy, which includes the titles Pre-Coitus, Coitus, and Afterglow. More recent works include The Hipster Handbook and The Sinner’s Guide to the Evangelical Right. He is the founder and editor of FREEwilliamsburg.com.

Yeah, don’t everyone go outside all at once. Enjoy your BURGERS.

Storm Thorgerson, the artist whose firm Hipgnosis designed many famous rock album covers and t-shirts I wore pretty much every day in 7th grade, has a show at London’s Idea Generation Gallery this month. The BBC has an excellent gallery of his work with a soundtrack of him talking about it. It’s unfortunately unembeddable, so you’ll have to visit their website to see it. Above is another clip featuring him talking specifically about working with Pink Floyd. It’s also enjoyable, because, along with having amassed such an impressive catalog of work, Mr. Thorgerson talks nicely.

“Art is not a patent office. It’s a conversation between and among artists. Reality can’t be copyrighted, especially in the digitized universe we now occupy.”
-David Shields’ guide to recent and less-recent musical history as collage and citation.

Now this is the kind of Science I can get behind! You know how vegetables SUCK and people only eat them because they think they have to, even though they are absolutely terrible and boring unless they are breaded and deep fried in butter? Good news! They aren’t even healthy!

The recommendation that people eat at least five servings (about 400 grams) of fruits and veggies each day, espoused by the WHO since 1990, was based on studies that found a link between higher intakes of these foods and lower risks for cancer and other diseases.

Since the 1990s, however, evidence from large studies has been mounting that the protective effects of these foods against cancer in particular might be modest-if it exists at all.

How terrific is that? I don’t ever have to chug down another glass of V8 or gag my way through a fucking frisee just because I’m trying to prevent cancer. (While the study does indicate that “those who have had the highest relative benefit from high fruit and veggie intake were smokers and heavy drinkers,” I think if Science has taught us anything it’s that its findings are often tenuous and you’re better off cherry-picking the results that best match your pre-existing beliefs, which is exactly what I’m going to do here.) Screw you, salad! I’m gonna have me a big mess of hot wings!