You Are Going To Get Cancer Anyway, So Have The Steak

Useless! You are utterly USELESS, you bizarre amalgamation of fruits and vegetables! I discard you.

Now this is the kind of Science I can get behind! You know how vegetables SUCK and people only eat them because they think they have to, even though they are absolutely terrible and boring unless they are breaded and deep fried in butter? Good news! They aren’t even healthy!

The recommendation that people eat at least five servings (about 400 grams) of fruits and veggies each day, espoused by the WHO since 1990, was based on studies that found a link between higher intakes of these foods and lower risks for cancer and other diseases.

Since the 1990s, however, evidence from large studies has been mounting that the protective effects of these foods against cancer in particular might be modest-if it exists at all.

How terrific is that? I don’t ever have to chug down another glass of V8 or gag my way through a fucking frisee just because I’m trying to prevent cancer. (While the study does indicate that “those who have had the highest relative benefit from high fruit and veggie intake were smokers and heavy drinkers,” I think if Science has taught us anything it’s that its findings are often tenuous and you’re better off cherry-picking the results that best match your pre-existing beliefs, which is exactly what I’m going to do here.) Screw you, salad! I’m gonna have me a big mess of hot wings!