From the inbox, regarding the long-considered, much-discussed fate of the troubled making-money-off-music industry: “I am writing to bring your attention to a new a new social media technology that has been embraced by EMI’s Virgin Records to help strengthen Music fans’ experiences when following their favorite band. The technology is powered by RecreateMyNight.com and provides a social media platform that allows users to re-live concert experiences by streamlining online information. The Constellations are the first band to utilize RecreateMyNight.com, which is being touted as the next generation of social media technology — harnessing the power of existing social networks, like Facebook and Twitter, to provide a streamlined view of nights out.” The emphasis is in the original.

You have no soul! You have no soul and this recently released report, from the UC Davis Olive Center, proved it to me! And I quote: “Sixty-nine percent of imported olive oil samples and 10 percent of California olive oil samples labeled as extra virgin olive oil failed to meet the IOC/USDA sensory (organoleptic) standards for extra virgin olive oil.” You’re a liar! You have no soul and no organoleptic standards!

I was at a party years ago and there was a guy there who worked for the New York Times dining section and he said, “I don’t know why anyone would ever buy non-extra-virgin olive oil. It’s not that much more expensive, and it’s just so much better.” So I figured, sure. Might as well go with the good stuff. In fact, I started using only imported. From Italy. Where they grow olives. AND, APPARENTLY, CHEAP LYING WHORES!

Sashaying around in your attractive stylish bottle, that green thing today, with the fancy “old-world” style print, your label with the words that promise such purity, and “a cold-processing method that prevents aroma from degrading, which led the International Olive Council and the United States Department of Agriculture to establish a sensory standard: it must have ‘excellent flavor and odor’ and contain no more than 0.8 grams of free fatty acid per 100 grams.”

Oh, it had nothing to do with what, the fact that you had foreign bodies in there?

You insult me with every look, every breath, every fucking selfish viscous drop you have. You make me want dress my salad in BACON FAT! You fuck my day up.

My soul is screaming because you don’t have one to join mine! I stopped using BUTTER to fry eggs because we had no spiritual common ground. You and I have none, zero!

When you go out in public it’s a fucking embarrassment to me. You look like a fucking salad dressing. You look like vegetable oil in heat. If you get used to make fucking pancakes, fucking packaged pancake mix, some fucking generic supermarket brand, not Aunt Jemima, not even fucking Bisquik. If you get used to make pancakes, it’ll be your fault, all right? Because you provoked it.

You know how press my lemons. You make me go Balsamic! And it’s not going to work with us. It’s not!

Say THANK YOU! Say thank you NOW because because I doubt you! I think you’re fucking gouging me. You should just smile and slather yourself over my ciabatta roll because I DESERVE IT! And I will burn the pantry down and bury you at the fucking Olive Garden. Yeah, when you’re there, you’re family all right! I will bury you at the Olive Garden, because I am capable of that!

I cannot be with an product like this! This is not somebody who loves me. This is some completely off-balanced, falsely packaged, deceitfully marketed product who absolutely hates me! Why do you hate me so much and what did I do to you?

You know what you are? You’re Canola. You’re fucking Canola oil.

Noted without comment: “All right, you know what I think people miss when they look at Washington and our political leadership? They miss old and august. They miss wise and weathered. They miss the presence of bruised and battered veterans of life who’ve absorbed its facts and lived to tell the tale.

This is a nation-a world-badly in need of adult supervision.”

What will save New York City’s economy? Cupcake cafes! Sigh.

by Katjusa Cisar

This week’s meme is I Write Like, a new website that uses an algorithm of mysterious methodology to tell you which author’s work your writing most resembles. You enter some text-”your latest blog post, journal entry, comment, chapter of your unfinished book”-and a split-second later, it spits out the html code for a blog-ready badge: “I Write Like H.P. Lovecraft,” or any of the 49 other authors in its database. It’s hard science and great literature, together at last! Well, kind of.

I Write Like’s science has already been strung up and dissected: Gawker’s Max Read inputted Mel Gibson’s latest phone rant, got Margaret Atwood and came to an unfavorable opinion; Paste magazine got an “I Write Like Stephen King” badge after entering a few Big Boi rhymes; Margaret Atwood herself pasted in a sample of her own writing and got … Stephen King.

So take the site’s web address-iwl.me-as indication of how seriously we should be taking its diagnoses.

Dmitry Chestnykh is the creator of I Write Like. He’s a 27-year-old Russian software developer living in Montenegro. His company, Coding Robots, also offers a blog-writing program and an application to keep diaries.

He answered a few of my questions via e-mail Thursday night, explaining how his algorithm is like a spam-detector, how he plans to sustain the site beyond short-lived meme, and why he’s totally unqualified to analyze writing but still thinks I Write Like is useful.

[A note: since English is not his first language, he asked me to fix any grammatical or style errors in his answers. He barely made any mistakes, predictably putting the typically pitiful American foreign language skills to shame. I just fixed an awkward construction here and there. Based on I Write Like’s calculations, by the way, Chestnykh’s writing style here is most like David Foster Wallace.]

How and why did you get into software development as a career?
I think I got my first computer at 13, and after I used it for a few months, I knew I wanted to write programs for it. It’s a lot of fun to have something made by you do something for you. While at university I launched my tiny software business and have been working on it full-time since then.

Where did you first get the idea for I Write Like? Was it an idea you discussed/developed with friends, or did you go it alone?
Late at night I was looking for ways to promote my software. I had tried a few marketing things before and was going through a checklist to find what I had missed. Then the idea of making a fun badge came to me. Since most of our (Coding Robots’) programs were about writing, I immediately thought of comparing people’s writing, and began coding. I hadn’t discussed it with anyone before putting it online.

What makes you qualified to analyze literature like this?
Nothing, really. I’m the kind of person who is not qualified in a subject before jumping into it. (Good thing I didn’t try to become a medical doctor or a rocket scientist!) This is my way of learning: when I want to do something, I do it, learning along the way.

Who are your favorite authors? Do you read more literature in English or Russian (or other languages)?
I think I read more literature in English. It’s hard to name my favorite writers because there are so many of them. To name a few: Gabriel García Márquez (unfortunately, I don’t know Spanish yet, so I read his works in Russian translation), Agatha Christie, Stephen King, Ernest Hemingway. But there are many of those whose works I haven’t had time to read yet.

How many authors are currently in the database? How did you decide which authors to include?
The current version includes 50 writers. First versions included authors from the bestsellers list on Wikipedia, top downloaded books from The Gutenberg Project (a public library of out-of-copyright books), and the ones I could remember. Later versions included authors suggested by users.

When are you going to add explanations for the algorithm for each author? Why haven’t you included this already — why keep it secret?
I wanted to write a blog post about it, and to open-source the code, but haven’t had time for it yet, because I’ve been busy updating the program and handling all the traffic, emails and comments I received. Also, it’s really interesting to read how people try to explain the results they got.

Actually, the algorithm is not a rocket science, and you can find it on every computer today. It’s a Bayesian classifier, which is widely used to fight spam on the Internet. Take for example the “Mark as spam” button in Gmail or Outlook. When you receive a message that you think is spam, you click this button, and the internal database gets trained to recognize future messages similar to this one as spam. This is basically how “I Write Like” works on my side: I feed it with “Frankenstein” and tell it, “This is Mary Shelley. Recognize works similar to this as Mary Shelley.” Of course, the algorithm is slightly different from the one used to detect spam, because it takes into account more stylistic features of the text, such as the number of words in sentences, the number of commas, semicolons, and whether the sentence is a direct speech or a quotation.

There are a lot of works in academia dealing with writing analysis, but I used none of them. I have been contacted by people who research this topic, and received a lot of pointers to interesting works. I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to integrate and figure them out in the three days I had to write this thing, but I will definitely learn more about the subject to improve the program.

Really, what’s the point of “I Write Like”? Does it have a useful application or is it just for fun?
I didn’t think that there was a big point in it before launching. However, I’ve been proved wrong: it helps people discover and re-discover writers. There are so many comments like “I write like Ernest Hemingway. I have to read more of his books,” or “I write like Chuck Palahniuk. Who? Never heard of him, will read,” or “I write like Edgar Allan Poe. Never read anything by him, but now I think I will.” It is amazing that this tool can be used for education, so I plan to add information about writers and their books in one of the next versions.

I Write Like is going viral very quickly. Ultimately, what’s your goal with the site? How will you sustain it beyond a quick-flash meme?
I’m trying to expand the website to make it the destination for people to learn more about how to be a better writer. I will also add more information about writers, and maybe I’ll add features to help people discover interesting authors and books.

Will you be tweaking the software to read any other language besides English? You were immediately called out for having more male than female authors, but no one picked up on the apparent overwhelming majority of English-writing authors.
I planned to launch a Russian version, but postponed it because of the lack of time. Also, I’ve been offered help to make a Portuguese version.

I just finished reading Sam Lipsyte’s “The Ask.” He’s a master of simple, powerful, unusual sentences. I can see how he’s doing what he’s doing with language, but mostly I just want to bask in the magic and not analyze it too much in the moment. Has developing software like this changed how you read or lessened some of the magic in fine writing?
It has been only four days since I launched the website, and I haven’t read anything since the launch, so it’s a bit early to say if it changed how I read.

You’ve promised subscribers an “awesome” newsletter of writing tips and a free download the 1898 how-to book “A Practical Treatise on the Art of the Short Story” by Charles Raymond Barrett. Why that book? What’s one of your awesome writing tips?
I’ve chosen this particular book because it had so many details in it and a good analysis of short story writing. Also because it’s out-of-copyright, so I can redistribute it freely, kudos to The Gutenberg Project. 🙂 The newsletter is a part of the plan to convert “I Write Like” from a quick-flash meme to something sustainable and useful. I’m not a published writer myself, so I’m not qualified to give people tips (especially since English is not my first language). I will be the editor, and other more knowledgeable people will share their advice on writing. I hope the first issue will come out in August.

Katjusa Cisar is a freelance writer living in Atlanta.

The shady charity that wants to send aid to Gaza, bypassing Israel’s blockade, has “ties” to Turkey’s government and “political elite”! Ties, I say! For instance: “A trustee of the charity, Ali Yandir, is a senior manager at the Istanbul City Municipality Transportation Corporation.” They run the Istanbul ferry system! How shocking that the political “ruling class” in Turkey of all places should be involved in an organization that supports aid to Palestinians. (And how amazing that it seems so unfathomable to Americans.) And that this organization is allowed to donate money to (two!) charities run by the elected political leadership of Gaza! What’s more, according to the Times, there is this “anti-Israel slogan in Istanbul” that “reflects the rift in Israeli-Turkish relations”! How terrifying-a country where people scrawl political slogans on things! In any event, it’s not offered by the Times, but I think the best translation seems like “Israel be damned,” but the verb seems more active than that, hence translations such as “down with Israel.” The Turkish menace! This is no Turkish delight! Was Turkey behind 9/11? They might as well have been, as clearly they hate America and its allies.

by Eric Spiegelman

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

We are writing to express our concern regarding recent changes to the Facebook privacy policy. Providing opt-in mechanisms for information sharing instead of expecting users to go through long and complicated opt-out processes is a critical step towards maintaining clarity and transparency.

Charles Schumer, April 27, 2010.

Dear Mr. Jobs,

I write to express concern regarding the reception problem with the Apple iPhone 4. I believe it is incumbent upon Apple to address this flaw in a transparent manner.

Charles Schumer, July 15, 2010.

Dear Mr. Crowley,

I write to express concern regarding certain features of your application. It has become a source of consternation to me that anyone can create a venue for something even if they are not officially associated with it. Recently, Lindsey Graham created a listing for “Chuck Schumer’s Office” and has checked in enough times to become Mayor. Despite my concerted effort I have been unable to dislodge him from this position. You can imagine how embarrassing this is. Also, members of the Republican Congressional Caucus have been adding “Foursquare tips” to this venue, such as “The Senator is giving out portions of the stimulus fund, personally. Ask him for your share!” I do not have any authority to make such allocations.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Mustafa,

I write to express my displeasure at not receiving a custom YouTube video response from you. Last week I tweeted, “@OldSpice Hey Old Spice guy, how can a great smelling man help stricken Gulf communities recover from the oil spill?” It was a fantastic opportunity to inspire volunteerism in your audience, but you ignored it. This greatly disappointed me, especially since you found the time to make George Stephanopoulos a video, and his tweet was inane compared to mine. Please do another round of videos to rectify this oversight.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Hastings,

I write to express my frustration with the recommendation algorithm employed by your service. For some reason, Netflix keeps thinking I would like “Lars and the Real Girl.” I have read several reviews of this film and do not understand why your website thinks it will appeal to my sensibilities. Most of the time its predictions are spot on. It knows, for example, how much I enjoy a good mind-bending critically acclaimed science fiction feature. But this particular recommendation is incorrect, and the frequency with which it is made is starting to make me uncomfortable. Please improve your technology so that the American people no longer have to deal with situations like this.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Karp,

I write to express dissatisfaction with one particular aspect of your platform. Ten people unfollowed my Tumblr yesterday after I posted that photo of myself with Elena Kagan. I can’t figure out who they are. Please add functionality that allows me to discern their identities.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Charles “Chuck” Schumer is the senior Senator from New York. Eric Spiegelman is a proprietor of Old Jews Telling Jokes.

If you haven’t read the Twilight books (or, like me, read the plot summaries on Wikipedia), then you may not know how the shiny vampire series ends. So I won’t “spoil” it in the interests of bringing you this insane and terrifying quote from the screenwriter. But now that I’ve given you the chance to look away…

It ends in a horrifyingly graphic vampire childbirth scene that ends up breaking protagonist Bella’s spine as she births a vampire baby that tears itself out of her womb. Hot Topic merchandising anyone? And according to an interview earlier this week with Melissa Rosenberg, screenwriter of the Twilight franchise, the end of the series on the big screen will remain faithful:

The childbirth — all the scenes, I feel — should be on screen. I think perhaps what I was referring to was, would we actually see Edward’s teeth through the placenta? I don’t think so. I don’t think we need to see that, and if someone needs to see that, I think they should take a look at that. [Laughs.] I believe it will be implied, but I don’t think we’ll see teeth in the placenta.

I feel like explaining anymore of the context to this would only kind of ruin the sublime WTF-ery of the above quote. If you’d like to find out more about Twilight’s plans for wrapping up the movies, Popsugar has the rest.

“[U]se the right hand; a complete grip and a firm squeeze (but not too strong); a cool and dry palm; approximately three shakes, with a medium level of vigour, held for no longer than two to three seconds. The handshake must also be executed with eye contact kept throughout and a good natural smile with an appropriate verbal statement, according to the scientist.”
-Geoffrey Beattie, head of psychological sciences at the University of Manchester (UK), has developed a mathematical formula which solves the age-old procedural questions surrounding the metacarpal salutation.

by Mike Barthel

Rachel and Mike met at a pretentious art-rock university in the Midwest when they were both 21. They moved to New York after graduating (Rachel two years later, due to a post-college year abroad), went to grad school upstate, and are now living a cross-country relationship (New York-Seattle) that’s nine years old. In this discussion Rachel reveals how she saved Mike from a life of fashion tragedy.

Mike: So! Let’s talk about CLOTHES.
I wrote a piece where I gave strategies for getting boys to dress nicer.
And really it was just what you did with me, yes?

Rachel: Pretty much, yes.
I like clothes! People look better with certain clothes on than they do with other kinds of clothes on. So we can get all self loathing or we can buy clothes!
Also, I am the short fat sister so my mom would always buy me clothes because she wanted me to feel pretty.
It worked swimmingly! Thanks mom!

Mike: Being a straight boy, I was basically dressed by my mother. I did dress myself when I did my SEMESTER in LONDON. (Because I went to a LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL.)
I went to Topshop and had gray microfiber pants and went clubbing like twice.
I also went to Camden market and bought secondhand things that made me look like a Scottish file clerk from 1974.
I also bought a lot of secondhand things.
I thought it was still the 90s!

Rachel: You got that Pulp T-shirt, too.

Mike: That is the only band t-shirt I still have!
You made me throw out the Metallica shirt that was two sizes too small.

Rachel: That Metallica shirt was waaaaay too small. Did it ever fit you?

Mike: Well I still had it because it looked so pristine, because I never wore it!
I guess I thought, you know, eventually I would become much smaller somehow?
I mean I did, sorta, in the two years I spent in New York while you were finishing college.
Let’s talk about that!
I was in an electroclash band!

Rachel: Fuck, you leave for NYC and I come and visit you and after like 6 months you are in fucking black skinny jeans!
BLACK SKINNY JEANS!

Mike: The lead singer took me to Trash and Vaudeville!
And that dude who looks like he’s the bassist in Cinderella told me I looked good in them!

Rachel: He was lying.

Mike: I mean, left to my own devices my fashion sense is to wear the shiniest thing possible.
Ideally it would be blinking or on fire.

Rachel: That is not true. That would be too much work.
Left to your own devices you would wear your blue robe that you have had for a decade, and maybe a pair of stretched-out boxer briefs.

Mike: True.
I mean, I popped the button on the skinny jeans after like a month.
There is only so much weight you can lose from crushing depression.
So OK, how did you break me out of dressing like this?

Rachel: Well the jeans took care of themselves.

Mike: I will kill you.

Rachel: You respond well to praise.

Mike: I do!

Rachel: And you assume I am always right about aesthetic issues.

Mike: You are!

Rachel: So one day you were looking for a t-shirt for work the next day because we had not done laundry in months.
And we were at the K-Mart by Astor Place to get you a pack of white Hanes t-shirts.
We were looking for a t-shirt and I suggested that you buy a polo shirt because that would make your shoulders look broader than the stretched-out, oversized shirts you normally wore.

Mike: And I was like, “Wow, a polo shirt! I’d never thought of wearing that!”

Rachel: What is wrong with you?
No really, did your mom never bring home a polo from JC Penney?

Mike: I think she was just happy I wasn’t wearing trash bags at a certain point.
She did what she could, the poor woman.
It’s not easy working with me, you know?

Rachel: Well it was for me, because you assumed I knew what I was talking about.

Mike: You had large sunglasses and large earrings!

Rachel: So we started moving you away from just ironic Ts.

Mike: Yes
I bought more polo shirts!
Well, after a few months.
You introduced me to this idea of “buying things from the Gap.”
It was amazing!
So many clothes to buy!
Fewer ironic slogans, but still!
Did this new look work for me?

Rachel: Yes, but apparently too well, when we went to visit my parents in Indiana you were gay bashed and left with a broken nose.

Next: Yes, it’s true-but the gay-bashing fixed the jeans problem!

Mike: You see?
Some boys think polo shirts are gay!

Rachel: Which actually took care of the ugliest of your jeans due to the blood stains.

Mike: THE PERFECT PLAN.
You got me to buy a polo, which got me gay-bashed, which got me to get rid of my ugly jeans!

Rachel: Yes, it was all a nefarious plot.
So then the next big development was when we went to visit my parents for Passover.
And like I said above I am the short fat sister, so even though I have a job and live in NYC, my mom gave me her credit card to go shopping at the mall.
And we found these really great Banana Republic slim cut wool pants that were on super sale.
I think these were the first lined pants you ever owned. I remember the lining confusing you.

Mike: I didn’t even realize that my previous pants looked awful.
I bought my pants way too short!
Because if they were too long they would get caught under my shoes and would get ragged and so of course the only way to deal with that was to buy pants that were too short for me.
Not, you know, get a better belt.
God, this is turning into a “What Not To Wear” episode.

Rachel: Okay, so you wore pleated baggy pants that were too short for you.
YUM.

Mike: I had learned how to dress in the 90s!
You wore “relaxed” things!

Rachel: I did not wear relaxed things.
I wear shit that fits.
Wearing relaxed things is not awesome. Awesome is wearing clothes that fit.

Mike: Oh girl, I’ve seen pictures of you in a plaid shirt with Doc Martins.

Rachel: It was the 90s, I was 15 or 16, and I looked AMAZING!

Mike: I think the problem with straight boys (and lesbians?) is that they think that the way they dress when they are 15 or 16 is the only authentic way to dress.

Rachel: I think people who are uncomfortable with the idea of clothes think that fashion is idiotic and vapid, and that people should love them for being who they are.
FUCK THAT.
I am not your mother.
I was not looking for a boy to love for who he was.
I was looking for an accessory!
Now I love you and all, but really, I wanted boys to look good on my arm when I was dating.

Mike: Does that make me a boy toy?

Rachel: Well, you know, we were 21…

Mike: DOES THAT MAKE ME A BOY TOY I SAID.

Rachel: I am sorry, of course it does you sexy piece of man meat.

Mike: Thank you.

Rachel: Okay, so we bought you a pair of pants that fit you!

Mike: Pants and a shirt!
Almost an outfit!

Rachel: At a certain point I realized I had overlooked the possibility of button down shirts, because I was tricked into thinking you had some already.

Mike: I did have some!

Rachel: But they were all way too small, and polyester.

Mike: I didn’t know there were different fabrics?

Rachel: You complain about sweating and humidity in the summer in NYC and then fucking walked around basically wrapped in plastic!

Mike: So yes, here are the things I did not know:
1) there are different fabrics.
2) different clothes look differently on you.
3) you can just wear a tighter belt.
Now how did you get me to make the leap from being able to buy better pieces to being able to have some sort of overall style?
We kinda figured out my color scheme, didn’t we?

Rachel: Yes it actually started with maybe your second polo shirt. It was this kind of bright orange.

Mike: I still have that!

Rachel: We learned that you are what my mom would call A FALL.

Mike: So I dressed in warm earth tones and we moved on from there.
I guess it came down to that I wanted to dress well but really didn’t know how.
And I didn’t just need to be given the knowledge to be able to do that, though I definitely needed that.
I also needed to be led to it in a way that I would accept.
I think people trying to dress dudes well would like to hear your secrets.

Rachel: Tell him he looks hot whenever he wears something you kind-of, sort-of like, or something that is along the lines of what you would like to see him in.
Also, SUPER SALES.
That’s a big secret.

Mike: Yes.
Because then he can’t be like “why would I spend all this money on something stupid like clothes?”

Rachel: He is not going to go from his mother bringing him home a pair of Levis to spending a couple hundred bucks on pants.
So go with super sales.
He has to see why the more expensive clothes are worth buying before he spends any real money on them.
Which is a Catch-22!

Mike: So ladies need to develop their own style eye for men’s clothes.
So they can find cheap clothes that also have the right cut.
Also you have spoken about the role of FUN?

Rachel: Playing dress up!
We have alter egos such as Bud and Linda-they are a trashy 40-something couple, and we go to Wal-Mart and get American eagle t-shirts and cut them up and go to the motor speedway.
Then when we went to Saratoga, we got dressed up in all-white outfits to see the ponies.
Frame it as getting dressed up in the proper costume.

Mike: So although you are normally quite pro-shame when it comes to personal improvement, you can’t lead with shame in this instance.
You need to make it seem exciting.

Rachel: Exactly.
I am a girl, so I know that shaming people about what they look like just backfires.
It sends them deeper into jeans/t-shirt/hoodie world.
You have to make them believe that clothes are fun!
So the original post that you were responding to about that told girls to ask their men to dress better is actually terrible advice.

Mike: Yes!

Rachel: I mean I would be really hurt if you came up to me and said, “Honey, I really need you to dress better.”
I would be ashamed and just want to hide.

Mike: Oh no!

Rachel: And why wouldn’t men feel the same way?
They don’t want to hear, “Honey, you look like shit.”
Men don’t care about clothes, but they do care about the way they look. They just don’t get that those are one in the same.

Mike: Well I think we are done here!
Do you have any further thoughts?

Rachel: No, I like the way you dress now. You are super dreamy.

Mike: Thank you!
You still look like a whore.

Rachel: Fuck you.

Mike Barthel is the luckiest man in the world.