Strong words against Charlie Brown and company: “I was all excited to show my kid this special, because I watched it when I was a kid and I’m a selfish asshole so I wanted my kid to watch it and like it and be like me. Then I turned it on and I was like, “Wait! I fucking hate this shit.” Then the show ended and my kid was like, ‘I didn’t like that show.’ Then she went and started throwing things. FUCKING SNOOPY IS TO BLAME. “

“’If you can’t afford to hire a bartender,’ he added, ‘you shouldn’t be having a party.’”

Lest you think I was hasty on this one, I would like to point out that it took heroic efforts to persevere past, “this is my sh-bam, my moment.” Or even “Williamsburg.”

Photo by Sklathill, from Flickr.

If you’re worried that you haven’t been horrified or upset enough today, click here: “The parrot was mimicking, ‘Help me. Help me.’ Then he would laugh,” Bonnette said. “We think he was mimicking the mother when he said, ‘Help me. Help me,’ and mimicking the daughter when he laughed.”

Michael Bay, I have personally viewed at least 60% of the content you have made as a director (slightly more than that, if you count the “Got Milk”? campaign and Meat Loaf’s video for “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That).” So I’m qualified to observe that your work grows exponentially worse in expected, methodical patterns. Bad Boys II? Not as good as Bad Boys I! Armageddon? It followed the far superior The Rock! (And let’s remember, The Island followed Bad Boys II, which, oh man, poor Ewan McGregor!) And I don’t think the quality progression between the first two Transformers movies even needs to be pointed out. Let’s just say the second one was as bad as that G.I. Joe movie, which, that was more like GI Disorder, AM I RIGHT? So now, for the first time, you are making a sequel to a sequel! Michael Bay, I do not think you can trick us about this. This, we can absolutely reasonably expect, will be your most awful, ridiculous, crappily-dialogued, most senselessly explodey creation yet. This is a film to be viewed only in 2012, in bed, with the flu, on the shoddiest of the premium cable services. I WILL NOT SEE YOU IN THE THEATERS IN JULY 2011. WHO’S WITH ME?

Another journalist is out of a job. [Via]

It’s not easy to feel bad about Mark Zuckerberg when he’s joined 56 other super-rich rich people in pledging at least half his (potential, not currently existing, only on paper) billions to charity rather than to any heirs. This puts him in the odd company of Sandy Weill and… Michael Milken. I’ve forgotten all about that movie where he comes off like a schnook!

“I accept that if I turned up I probably wouldn’t get This Charming Man and if I went with the Foreign Secretary [William Hague] it would probably be William It Was Really Nothing.”
 — British Prime Minister David Cameron responds to a question in Parliament about members of a popular ’80s band expressing displeasure with his claims to be a fan of the group. Opposition MP Kerry McCarty asked Cameron the following: “As someone who claims to be an avid fan of The Smiths, the Prime Minister will no doubt be rather upset this week that both Morrissey and Johnny Marr have banned him from liking them. The Smiths are, of course, the archetypal students’ band. If he wins tomorrow night’s vote [on tuition fees], what songs does he think students will be listening to? Miserable Lie, I Don’t Owe You Anything or Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.”

Here you will find some rather exorbitant prophylactics. And an invaluable lesson.

Cover up, ladies, or you will never crack that glass ceiling.

Women who show too much cleavage at work are sabotaging their careers and could even face the sack, according to a survey. Contrary to the idea that womanly wiles are an advantage in business, bosses have named low-cut tops as one of the biggest mistakes a female worker can make.

The other biggest mistake a female worker can make? Having a vagina.

Photo by Francis Storr, from Flickr.

“MTV has announced it will put Snooki in a ball and drop her from on high on New Year’s Eve in Times Square.” Fantastic! I knew, what with the way things are going and all, that we’d try to reinvent public executions soon enough.