“According to a Fidelity Investments survey of more than 1,000 millionaires (households with at least $1 million in investible assets, excluding retirement accounts and real estate), 42% of respondents say they don’t feel wealthy…. Those who don’t feel wealthy were asked how much money they would need to feel wealthy. Their answer: $7.5 million.”

by Seth Colter Walls

Whenever I belatedly discover an American master, I feel a pain inside. A guilty pain. A pain related to an understanding that the celebrity-media complex has indeed been “winning.” And then I put on some sunglasses and remind myself: It’s not personal, babe. It’s just late capitalism doing what late capitalism does. (Then I flip myself off in the mirror.)

Mark Rappaport is the man behind Rock Hudson’s Home Movies and From the Journals of Jean Seberg. Those two films, which were sold and distributed during the indy-doc craze of the 90s, weren’t true documentaries, but found-footage essays of social-crit wrapped up in sheaths of savvy sound-and-image humor. They amounted to good crash courses in underground culture — or at least I thought so when I was still in middle school and still had yet to know that a word like “heteronormative” existed, or what a “Rock Hudson” even was. Today, those two quasi-docs are the only films of Rappaport’s currently available on DVD. (Because they were actually, you know, distributed.) Rappaport’s half-dozen underground feature films from the 70s and 80s — which were independent before “independent” was a marketing niche — are lost now, even in our long-tail world of putative uber-availability. (In what amounts to knock against the import of criticism, it seems not to matter these films were heralded, at the time, by critics as diverse Siskel, Hoberman, Ebert and Jonathan Rosenbaum.)

Which is the whole reason we should be glad to have Anthology Film Archives, here in New York. Only they can put on a show like this week’s Mark Rappaport festival, which features new-ish prints of those early 16-millimeter pieces, courtesy of the George Eastman restoration house. If you have any affection for the American underground, this is the very definition of a “don’t miss” engagement. Break your plans. You actually won’t be able catch up on Netflix.

I caught 1977’s Local Color on Friday night, and it was like discovering where the (allegedly retiring! Again!) Steven Soderbergh of Schizopolis was born. Right down to its humorously layered (and confusing) nest of characters — including a philandering dentist who liaises with his patients — it became plainly obvious that Hollywood’s reigning experimentalist has long been aware of Rappaport’s career. I won’t ruin the dentist’s best gag in the movie, but I will say I haven’t heard a voice-over joke go over that well with an audience since I went back in time and saw Annie Hall in the theaters before I was born. How many movies from America’s experimental-film undergound are this funny? (I don’t mean “chuckle-in-your-oh-so-sophisticated-head” funny, but like legit LOL.) As a dedicated surveyor (and defender!) of the mullingly ponderous, I have to say I think their aggregate number is maybe single digit.

Rappaport described Local Color’s emotional wheelhouse as a collision of “flamboyant melodrama in dreary, desperate lives — operatic passions ground underfoot by the crushing flatness of daily existence. It is melodrama stripped bare, drained of the heavy breathing we associate with soap opera…. In a sense, the movie is the plot and the plot is the movie. Except that the plot is irrelevant. Suffice it to say, there is enough of it to choke a horse.”

Says Ebert: “a strange and wonderful movie.”

At any rate: sorry to do it like this, but Local Color — which Rosenbaum calls his favorite Rappaport movie in this fine essay — only screens once more during Anthology’s one-week festival. That would be tonight at 7 p.m.. (Short notice, I know, but I had to see the first screening before I could tell you how unmissable tonight’s final screening is!)

Later on this week, I’ll mostly interested to catch The Scenic Route and Chain Letters. The second and final screening of Impostors, from 1979, is on Thursday. Here is Siskel’s old summary of the film’s plot — “Sinister, silly, and sometimes murderous twins named Chuckie and Mikey track down an Egyptian treasure while performing a magic act with their assistant, Tina.” Right?

Seth Colter Walls is The Awl’s chief correspondent for the difficult arts. He has a Tumblr and a dayjob both!

“A SNAKE died of silicone poisoning — after biting a girl on the BOOB.” There is video and everything. It’s, uh, really something.

Leggo My Bracket

Details of the Second Official Awl NCAA Bracket Tournament Challenge — remember last year? — are coming later today! [UPDATE: It’s here!] In preparation, our college-ball expert, JL Weill, offers some guidance on filling out your bracket.

[INTRO FOR COLLEGE HOOPS FANS] Oh joyest of joys, the NCAA brackets are out and that can only mean one thing: the actual tournament games are only days away! I wait the entire year for this, my unofficial national holiday. A few years back, I decided that if I was going to have to work every Memorial Day and Fourth of July (I was working for a major sports league), then by golly I was going to take off the first day of the tournament. This worked out only sometimes — but it did make me really happy when it did. Partially because that holiday usually included spicy wings and/or something unspeakable in “popper” form.

After the games themselves, the second best thing about the NCAA tournament is of course filling out the brackets and then watching them crumble, along with your ego, to pieces. Aren’t you glad you stayed up to watch Gonzaga-Pepperdine games only to see that it made zero difference? And yet this is also when you get to see so much basketball it makes you want to puke rainbows of awesome.

Well, it’s finally here. And below I’ve got some a-plus pointers to help you as you navigate that soon-to-be-a-paper-airplane bracket. But since you love hoops, it’s all good. You won’t equate your success in a bracket pool to your success as a person, right? RIGHT?!

[INTRO FOR THE REST OF YOU] So you’ve decided to pay attention to college basketball for the only time all year? Welcome! Sure, it’s not as fun as NFL labor talks, nor as exhilarating as game 56 of the Orioles’ season, but now that the brackets are out, that can only mean one thing: un-licensed sports gambling! You wait the entire year for this, your unofficial bettor’s fix and/or month-long taunting session. We’re all really glad you could join us. Really glad… no, seriously.

The best thing for you about the NCAA tournament is, of course, filling out your brackets and then on each of the next few Mondays double fist-pumping in the face of the occupant of the desk next to yours, that nice lady with all the Asian decorations in her cube who smells vaguely of pecans. Thank God you didn’t bother to stay up and watch any basketball games at all this year, because who cares? You’ll still whip the pants off anyone else in the pool because (a) you have “it” and (b) they suck rocks.

Well, just in case you’ve forgotten how a pencil works, I’ve got some Dos and Don’ts for you, too, person we all secretly hate. Now stop IMing me insults and start paying attention. Shit’s about to get real, dawg.

DO
Resist the urge to pick teams based on their mascots. Yes, it seems illogical that a buckeye — that is, a nut — could beat every other mascot and win the national title when there are so many more formidable mascots out there, such as badgers and wildcats and angry Irish stereotypes. All of which are not only clearly more aggressive, but which also have, you know, legs. But you’re missing the point here. The point is, that Ohio State has every weapon most national championship teams possess: shooters, inside scoring, rebounding, senior leadership, coaching, interior depth — so don’t be afraid to pick the Buckeyes to win it all.

DON’T
Pick the Buckeyes to win it all. Why? Because everyone else probably will. And when you’re trying to win a bracket pool, you will need something to make your bracket stick around the leaderboard if the Buckeyes go down (which isn’t impossible at all). There are five or six other legitimate national title picks, not to mention some off-the-radar ones: Kansas, North Carolina, Duke, Purdue, Notre Dame, Pitt… Being original can bring you happiness. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself for years.

DO
Take seriously the teams from smaller conferences with good seeds (i.e., numbers smaller than 10). Schools like George Mason and Old Dominion are fully capable of winning at least one, if not more, games in this tournament. Particularly pay attention to mid-major teams with good upperclassman centers and point guards who don’t turn the ball over. Basically, I’m saying pick Old Dominion to win a game or two, possibly even over #1 seed Pitt.

DON’T
Fall in love with trying to pick all the upsets in the first two rounds. Every year some guy in your bracket will get a few lucky breaks and pick almost all of the upset games right and think he’s hot stuff because he’s leading the pool after the first round or two. And almost every year that same guy will finish in the middle of the pack because he’ll fall prey to trying to outsmart everyone. In the end, big schools will invariably occupy most, if not all, of the final eight spots in the field, so tread lightly on picking upsets. Those teams will likely only win that first game anyway, so best reserve your Sweet 16 and Elite Eight for the big boys. You won’t lose as many points from not getting those two random-ass Sweet 16 teams as you will from picking against Duke, Kansas, Ohio State et al in the early rounds. That said…

DO
Believe in miracles. It’s what makes the NCAA tournament the best sporting event in America. Kids with no business making 35-foot jumpers will hit them this weekend. Guys who are playing their last week of organized basketball in their life will play like pros, while future All-Stars will sleepwalk. So when Indiana State, Utah State or Bucknell is within five points late in a first-round game with Big Seed U., don’t be that surprised. Dreams do come true. Except that dream where you live in a world of edible buildings made of mozzarella sticks. That one is actually troubling (even if delicious).

DON’T
Believe all of the hype. The Big East is a great conference, it’s true. But it’s also chronically overrated because it has so many teams and so many announcers either graduated from those schools, wish they had, or their golfing buddy did. While it’s not impossible the Big East will have one or more teams in the Final Four, each of the Big East teams is, in my view, too fundamentally flawed to win it all. Only one of the teams’ flaws, however, wears turtlenecks and is named “Mike Brey.”

DO
Discount the PAC-10 teams. They’re not any good and will not be around long.

DON’T
Overlook teams that have been inconsistent and are young but field multiple future NBA players, especially in the middle rounds. Translation: if you’re not sure whom to pick in a second- or third-round matchup, go with North Carolina, Kentucky, Syracuse or University of Connecticut. Talent may not win every time, but it sure helps. Elite athletes can help make up for defensive shortcomings or an off-shooting night in a one-game situation.

DO
Take each game seriously. The great equalizer of the NCAAs vs. the NBA is that it’s a one-game playoff each time out. You don’t have to be an NCAA champion to play one awesome game. So as you’re filling out the bracket, look beyond name recognition and conference reputation. Try to evaluate the teams themselves and how well they match up. On paper, Texas should throttle tiny Oakland (Michigan, not California). And they very well may. But maybe you didn’t know that Oakland went 17–1 in its conference. Or that it has one of the nation’s best centers. Or that it beat Tennessee in Knoxville. Ditto for Belmont against Wisconsin or Morehead State vs. Louisville. Sure, the well-known team is expected to win. But there are reasons every team is in, and sometimes it’s easy to overlook that when you see the names on the front of the jerseys.

DON’T
Panic. In 2005, I got murdered in my first two rounds. So badly that I stopped paying any attention. But the real points in any bracket pool come not from the first few rounds, but in the last three. That year, I finished with seven of the final eight correct and ended up winning the pool when UNC bested Illinois. Beyond avoiding picking too many upsets (see above), don’t forget that sometimes whole regions get blown apart and even the playing field for those folks whose brackets looked done after opening weekend.

DO
Be wary of plodding teams. Teams that play motion offense/flex offense (namely, Wisconsin, Georgetown and Vanderbilt) or that generally play offense in the low-60s (Pitt, Temple, this year’s Michigan State team) tend to play down to the level of their opponent. Some may win 30 games, but many of those are by seven or fewer points. This sort of uber-controlled game can backfire in the NCAAs, where little schools with nothing to lose can hang with teams lacking electric offenses.

DON’T
Bet against Duke out of emotion. It seems every year the brackets line-up Duke with what should be a potential upset, but it rarely pans out that way. This year it’s Michigan or Tennessee. While Michigan played well of late, they waste possessions, and Duke will kill them on turnovers. Tennessee is sloppy on offense, too, but more intriguing. The Vols have talent and can play multiple speeds. On the other hand, the Volunteers are vulnerable to droughts of terrible play and Duke is nothing if not irritatingly consistent. Expect the Dukies to make it through the first weekend, even if no one outside their fan base wants it to happen.

DO
Trust your gut. If you’re pretty sure of a pick, don’t second-guess yourself at the last minute. You were probably picking Team B for a reason. Sure, that reason may be that your cousin’s boyfriend’s sister who Facebook-friended you went there and you sort of like her, but that’s how the fates work, you know? It’s OK to go back and review your picks just before the deadline, but try not to over-think it. You were probably on the right track going with your libido and not your brain.

DON’T
Listen to me. I’ve been super-drunk since the brackets came out, baby. It’s tournament time! (With apologies to my family, who I look forward to seeing in about a month!)

Originally from Kentucky, JL Weill now writes from Washington, DC. His take on politics, culture and sports can be found at The New Deterrence and on Twitter.

Photo by Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley, U.S. Navy, via Wikipedia Commons.

Also happening in Japan: “Following Friday’s megaquake and resulting tsunami which took the lives of thousands along the east coast, the Shinmoedake volcano in the Kirishima range in south-western Japan erupted yesterday, sending ash and rock over two miles into the air…. It is not yet known if the eruption 950 miles from the epicentre of Friday’s 8.9-magnitude earthquake was triggered by the resulting seismic activity.”

Fans of the great jazz saxophonist Ornette Coleman will want to head this way.

So there’s this: “Japan’s unfolding nuclear-power crisis deepened Monday, with a new explosion and accelerated overheating at one reactor in Fukushima and the start of cooling troubles at another.” But how does a nuclear power plant actually work and stuff? Here’s an easy-to-follow explanation.

Of the 16 Wisconsin senators eligible for recall elections, half are Republicans and half are Democrats. The difference between them, however, is that, for the Democrats, “the only group trying to recall them so far is Americans Against Immigration Amnesty, a little-known Utah organization,” which is actually the American Patriot Recall Coalition, which has no board members in Wisconsin. Also they have no board members with last names. Ha! Who knows who’s funding them? There can be no recall challenge to an elected politician in Wisconsin until he’s been in office a year; but, with at least 100,000 people demonstrating in Madison on Saturday, there should be no problem getting recall petitions signed against the Republicans. The Wisconsin trickle-down effect has already impacted members of unions in other states — including even in New York. Here’s how one government worker from Long Island explains it.

I am not getting a raise this year. I am not getting an increment. I am not getting a cost of living adjustment. I probably will not get those things for the next three years. There are no bonuses or merit raises ever. My salary will remain the same for at least the next three years because the state will not bargain with our union. There will be no concessions because we are not even being offered the chance to talk about concessions. In a meeting with union delegates last week, representatives from my employer — that’s Uncle Sam — cited Wisconsin as one of the reasons we’re not negotiating anything.

That’s fine, right? The end result will be that all manner of government jobs will be the new teaching. Remember how, even as of a few months ago, we used to talk about the “crisis” in teaching, because few saw an incentive to become teachers? Good luck getting your driver’s license renewed and your court papers filed and your fires put out in a decade from now!

by William Shakespeare

I have of late — but wherefore I know not — lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air — look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire — why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. No, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

If William Shakespeare were alive today he would be Chuck Lorre, probably.

Photo by Rob Nguyen, from Flickr.

A reminder for the weekend: turn off your TV.