In New York City, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan said there were 103,000 9th graders, but only 53,000 students in 12th grade. The audience gasped.

“My question to you is, where are they all going?” Duncan said.

Well, since no one seems to know, I’m going to guess that something from the sewers is eating them?

“Absolutely no one likes a rat, a city official said on Tuesday, demanding $1.5 million be restored to the budget to be help control what he called Manhattan’s horrific rat problem. Seeing vermin running amok on city streets and in subway tunnels is a turn-off for tourists, said Manhattan Borough president Scott Stringer.”
 — Uh, those of us who live here aren’t exactly thrilled by it either.

11. My Life as a Fake

10. Theft: A Love Story

9. The Unusual Life of Tristan Smith

8. Bliss

7. His Illegal Self

6. Jack Maggs

5. Parrot and Olivier in America

4. The Tax Inspector

3. True History of the Kelly Gang

2. Illywhacker

1. Oscar and Lucinda

I cannot believe I have to go to Indiana, but yet, here we are: Saarinen’s Miller House is now open to the public. GAZE UPON IT! But good news, for those who aren’t Indiana-adjacent: There is a new website devoted to the work of Horace Gifford, who can basically tell Saarinen to go suck it. Oh yes! I said it! Go visit and see what I mean. I have been in most of these Gifford houses, because that’s just the kind of gay I am — including the ones destroyed by new owners, may they die painfully — and they are each better than the last.

“Archaeologists have unearthed the 5,000-year-old remains of the world’s first gay caveman.”

Britney Spears, who is 29 years young, would have you believe from her latest communique that she is prepared for the end of the world (either this May, in the rapture, or late 2012). I declare that this is horsepucky. Like she’s going to do that upheld-arm-elbow-bang dance move (technical term) while people’s faces are melting and the cities slide into the sea and just bop off down the road? Has she seen The Book of Eli? (I have, I was sick recently, and boy howdy, that was not ideal.) It’s rough out there in the last gasp of civilization, and she has few viable skills necessary for the end times, besides assisting in repopulation… presumably. Until she can change a tire, field-dress an elk and stab someone in the neck — skills you don’t really gain whilst being chauffeured and coiffed — I totally certify her as unprepared for the apocalypse. Hence this new video is full of lies.

You would think advice columns were the same throughout the ages — reading the first advice column in English encourages that sentiment! — but then you realize that these days columnists have to help 23-year-olds tell their parents that they want to move out. This is a thing! Wow.

“In the Middle Ages it would have been greeted in the same way that David Beckham’s sweaty shirt would be greeted today.”
 — British Museum curator James Robinson explains the appeal of the Mandylion of Edessa, a washcloth that supposedly shows the face of Jesus Christ. The “holy towel” will go on display in Britain this June. The Jesus of our age, meanwhile, spent yesterday buying British foodstuffs in Los Angeles. He was not wearing a button-down shirt.

Yesterday’s Wisconsin election will surely go to a recount, if the candidate with fewer votes requests it, which seems certain. What’s more, the recount is free to the candidates (if not to the taxpayer, heh) if the margin is less than .5%, which, yes it easily is. At this time, David Prosser seems to have 835 more votes than JoAnne Kloppenburg, but there are still votes coming in, and it’s anyone’s race. Total votes cast, give or take? 1,465,563, with 736,878 going to Prosser at this time. That’s pretty amazing, for a state with five and a half million people. For comparison? In the last New York City mayoral election, voter turnout was under 1.2 million, with a population of 8.1 million, with Mike Bloomberg receiving 585,466 votes. Though to be fair, about a third of New York City residents weren’t born in the country, and are far less likely to be voters. (This used to be true of Wisconsin, but now they are all just descended from immigrants.) Also to be fair, most of the rest of New York City residents are felons and can’t vote either.

To be charitable, the discussion about American ignorance and apathy regarding global current events is certainly a conversation worth having, and the idea that a local news program would devote four valuable minutes — time that could be spent extolling the virtues of area puppies or bemoaning the fate of beloved delis that are shutting down due to rising rents or trying to scare you about crime — to the topic, even going so far as to get a college professor to engage in the exchange, is rather admirable. On the other hand, four minutes? About whether or not we give a shit about the rest of the world? WHO CARES? SHOW ME THE PUPPIES.