Ladies and gentlemen, today in “awww.”

“Lox and smoked salmon are distinct products, and I thought I’d set the record straight about their differences.”
 — Oh thank God.

“In surveys of 1,200 people in the U.S. and Australia, many who thought the day was unusually warm were more likely to be concerned about global warming than they were on days they thought were unusually cold.”

If you think that Sims and FarmVille are evil tools to acclimate people into capitalist tedium and corporate consumption and a life of low expectations, then you’ll love KidZania — “a multinational chain of family entertainment centers, where kids try out professions that have been downsized, simplified, and made fun.” And it is dark! It’s a nation-state of “trying on adult jobs” while consuming McNuggets and Chevrolets. “Children do not create their own stories at KidZania. The story that some children are tasked with writing for the journalism activity at many franchises is a report on the how great the police are. Meanwhile, in the painting activity at KidZania Dubai, they do not paint their own picture but color in a picture of one of the KidZania mascots.” You truly want to read this.

Oh, Science, you are always there to lift me up when I’m feeling a little down: “A new study from the Waggoner Center for Alcohol and Addiction Research at The University of Texas at Austin says that getting drunk primes certain areas of our brain to learn and remember things more clearly…. Among the things learned when drinking alcohol is that it is rewarding.”

Do you want to see lightning thrice striking the Empire State Building? Here ya go! (Note: If you don’t want to see lightning thrice striking the Empire State Building, do not click play.) [Via]

Oh, come on, Britain, that’s the oldest excuse in the books: “A CRIMINAL who claimed he had a seven-inch knife down his trousers so he could give it to his mother to carve her Sunday roast has been given a suspended jail sentence. Nicholas Graham, 28, had three previous convictions for knife crime as well as another one for blackmail in which two knives were involved, Carlisle Crown Court heard.”

Why does Stephen Sondheim’s Company always seem like it’s missing something? Hint: It has to do with evolving concepts of sexuality.

Did you miss attending the Second Annual Conference on Male Studies? So did almost everyone else… except for one intrepid male traitor. By his account, it was, on average, about as misguided as you might expect. The very sight of working mothers compel men to not work. The magazines are no longer controlled by men! Hillary Clinton and bat mitzvahs! And male hopelessness leads to violence. Our intrepid correspondent writes: “It was easy to chalk up the whole scene to a category error: Someone mistaking the biographical decline of a man — namely himself — for a historical Decline of Men.”

by Matt Langer

Using the vital new technology of That Can Be My Next Tweet, which “generates your future tweets based on the DNA of your existing messages,” it’s easy to discover what should come next in this very space, by analyzing our own Twitter feed.

21 How Pot Makes Gays Feel Better About ‘The Pale King’

20 Darkness Falls Across The Mona Lisa: Astrologist Susan Miller Advice Column Pivot

19 Local Gay Caveman Would Be National Paper’s Last Pageview

18 Eddie Murphy Just Wanted To Ignore LCD Soundsystem’s Reunion

17 ‘Vanity Fair’ Really Is a Bikini Brawl Video Made As A Guide To Richmond, VA, Circa ‘93

16 Only 14 People More Stupid Than Libyan College Admissions

15 Maybe Insider Trading Is Where You Take A 6″ Into Your New Donkey?

14 A Look at the Apocalypse: Confusing Bob Dylan Lady Blames Wall Street Bathroom

13 Baby Bears Cuddle Willie Nelson, Gay Suffers In My Satur Farms Salad Box

12 Being High Makes You Like Italians Acting Like Hitler.

11 An Interview With The First Extrasexual: Digging Up British Doody

10 Remembering Indiana: I Can’t Believe They Take In Taints

9 It’s Time to Have Casual Sex With Lottery Winners, Part 2: Hot Boyfriend With Drugs!

8 The Bill Hicks Story Looks Like Gayest Fashion Ad Ever

7 Anatomy Of Birthday Pepperoni: Latest Sasha Grey YouTube

6 Freedom Fighters! Obama, Reagan, History of Family Planning

5 Consider The Rabbits, Germany: If You Accidentally Live in Texas ‘Hanna’ is Confusing

4 Serious Existentialist ‘Tsunami Dog’ Is The End Of History!

3 Oh, Now Your Bird Feeder Gives You Cancer?

2 Donkey Saves College Basketball From The New Barter Economy: A Poll.

1 Banks Still Don’t Do Our Elected Officials After TARP

Matt Langer has a beard, a single-speed bicycle and lives in North Brooklyn.