Well, that headline may not be accurate: I don’t actually know what constitutes a big score in the bull semen theft community. It is quite possible that there are more successful bull semen thieves who are laughing themselves silly over this story, saying things like “$100,000 grand worth of bull semen? What did she steal, two straws?” (I am assuming that straws are the unit in which stolen bull semen is measured but, again, my unfamiliarity with the seedy world of bull semen larceny renders that assumption rather lacking in any degree of authority.) They may very well all congregate at the same hangout — I picture a darkened bar called “The Bull Semen Stealer’s Saloon” where the walls are covered with pictures of the great bull semen thieves of yore — and talk about their latest capers: “I yanked nine straws today. Not too shabby for one day’s work of bull semen stealing!” and the like. Also, the gender of the suspect in this case aside, bull semen pilferage seems like kind of a boy’s club. Do you think they’re dismissive of women who try to break into the industry? I bet they are; why should the bull semen stealing community be any less sexist than every other guild? But maybe I am not giving the stealers of bull semen enough credit; it could be considerably more glamorous than I had previously considered. Perhaps there are even international rivalries where, say, some Frenchman is known as the world’s greatest thief of bull semen, but there is a crafty young American, something of a renegade who plays by his own rules, who is bursting at the seams to take the title by stealing a greater quantity of bull semen in a more daring manner. Again, this is all speculation. But let’s be honest: people steal bull semen. Wherever there is bull semen, there is someone close by plotting how to steal it. That’s the kind of world we live in. And I think it’s time that we stop pretending that things are otherwise.

#askobama My home printer jams all the time. It’s an HP D4160. What do you recommend?Wed Jul 06 18:34:46 via TweetDeck

pourmecoffee
pourmecoffee

Well. It’s happening right now: Barack Obama is “answering questions from Twitter,” if by “from Twitter” you mean from John Boehner and Nick Kristof. As for the rest of it….

have you tried blog view? #askobamaless than a minute ago via TweetDeck

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larrybraverman

Who killed Rosie Larsen?? #AskObamaWed Jul 06 18:31:55 via web

Ally Millar
allyzay

Why is the Apple logo on the laptop covered up, but the Samsung logo on the TV not? #AskObamaWed Jul 06 18:30:10 via web

Mike Monteiro
Mike_FTW

#askobama if ATMs are so bad, why do you keep treating me like one?Wed Jul 06 17:47:20 via web

David Burge
iowahawkblog

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon? Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? #AskObamaWed Jul 06 16:19:03 via TweetDeck

HuffPost Hill
HuffPostHill

does it bug you that the tea party hates you, when youve upheld or magnified all the policies of the bush administration? #askobamaWed Jul 06 17:14:03 via web

brendle what
brendlewhat

by Nate Hopper

So you have the hiccups, and you’d like to get rid of them. Chances are, if you’re out, that your companions will have advice to offer (hold your breath, drink backwards from a glass, etc.). But how can you know which folksy cure works best? Science.

Most studies on curing hiccups employ hedging words like “probably” and “might” as a means of reporting that there is “no sure way” of stopping the things. But sift through enough of them and you’ll get some insight into what’s going on in your body when you have a case of hiccups, which “may” in turn help you find your own personal fix. So, the basics. A hiccup is a surprise spasm that shrinks your diaphragm and pulls your lungs down. This causes a sudden inhale that your vocal cords quickly block. It’s a reflex — likely triggered by one of two causes: either one of several nerves has been jolted, or your stomach has expanded too far because you’ve swallowed too much air (say, after wolfing down a meal or downing a drink), which results in too little carbon dioxide in your blood.

There are two means of stopping hiccups then. The first is to present your nerves with something else to react to; the second is to try to increase the amount of CO2 in your blood.

Tricking Your Nerves
As a woman on Dr. Oz’s website so enthusiastically demonstrated, being scared might just shake you of hiccups. As Dr. David Eibling explains in the Expert Guide to Otolaryngology, your startle reflex may “override” your hiccups reflex. So after the scare, your nerves start fresh and won’t keep sending the message to hiccup.

You could also prompt other reflexes for the same effect. For example, you could put a teaspoon of sugar on the back of your tongue to get to the nerve endings there (if you’re at a bar and can’t get no suga’, try a lemon wedge), or wiggle your ear to activate its nerve endings.

You could also press a tongue depressor or a long cotton swab to the soft part of the roof of your mouth to trigger a gag reflex (you always bring depressors and swabs along with you to the bars, don’t you? Don’t you?). Discovery Health calls this “tickling” (I call it gagging), although they do say you could also have someone tickle you in the normal fashion too — either way, I’m sure you could turn this into foreplay. (Seriously.)

If you aren’t feeling playful, you could also try to soothe the nerves. One method: Take a long swig of water — being careful as you do that you don’t gulp in too much air (which is probably why the elementary school cure of sucking on a water fountain’s stream usually doesn’t work). Dr. Oz recommends drinking the water upside down (read: lurched over). Discovery Health also suggests taking a tablet or two of an antacid with magnesium, which helps with the nerve irritation and you can do right-side-up.

Increasing Your CO2
To up your sanguineous carbon dioxide, hold your breath. You can count to some high number while doing it. You could also plug your nose and jump on one foot, as Dr. Oz advocates. Or, to the same effect, you could repeatedly breathe into a paper bag, sucking back in carbon dioxide. Or you could close your mouth, pinch your nose and try hard to exhale (if you’re at a bar and are trying to get some suga’ from a medical-type, refer to this as the “Valsalva maneuver”).

If these don’t work, you may not be convinced enough you’ll succeed to induce a potential placebo effect, so you should “probably” just wait it out, as most cases fix themselves. But if you keep hiccupping for days, months or 68 years, go see a doctor and get them to talk to you in normal human speak.

Nate Hopper is a summer Awl reporter.

Will recycled cigarette butts help repair our crumbling infrastructure? Sure, why the hell not.

by David Rees

Perpetual presidential candidate Newt Gingrich made news last month when it was revealed he and his wife Callista carried a credit line of up to $500,000 at Tiffany, a jewelry store catering to the powerful and virtuous. He made news again last week when it was revealed he had a second line of credit — this one up to $1,000,000. (New Gingrich’s top fundraising staff has since quit.)

Friends, you shouldn’t be surprised by the Gingriches’ million-dollar credit line at Tiffany. After all, people spend a million dollars at Tiffany every day — regular people just like you! How do they do it? By following my Ten-Point Action Plan for Spending One Million Dollars at Tiffany. This exciting, foolproof system is designed to get results — and fast.

STEP 1. Burst through the doors of your local Tiffany with a song in your heart and a million dollars in your wallet. If you don’t have access to cash, inquire about opening an interest-free line of credit; odds are Tiffany will be happy to oblige.
BEGINNING BALANCE: $1,000,000

STEP 2. Start buying necklaces! When it comes to jewelry, necklaces are the perfect “gateway drug.” I’ve bought many beautiful necklaces for $5,000. You’ve got $1,000,000 in credit; why not buy 30? After all, the only image more alluring than a woman gliding into a room wearing a fine necklace is a woman staggering under the weight of 30 of them, looking like a wayward galaxy smashed into her collarbone.

Ladies, try mixing and matching: drape a diamond necklace over a gold necklace. Then add a ruby necklace. Then add twenty-seven more necklaces. This funky bohemian look will charm the crowd at your next poetry slam.
30 necklaces at $5,000/necklace = $150,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $850,000

STEP 3. While the sales associates are polishing your necklaces, move on to earrings. Earrings are surprisingly useful; I can’t count how many times I’ve silenced a naggy-ass lover by flinging fistfuls of brand-new, sparkling earrings at her. Because earlobes are an inappropriate forum for advertising one’s poverty, my rule of thumb is “Never spend less than $2,500 on a pair of earrings.” $100,000 should get you 40 decent pairs. Coupon-clippers, remember: 40 pairs of earrings is actually 80 separate earrings; there’s no limit to the mixing and matching you’ll be able to do (especially if you pierce your nose).
40 pairs of earrings at $2,500/pair = $100,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $750,000

STEP 4. The bad news: You’ve already spent a fourth of your credit. The good news: You still have three-quarters of a million dollars, which is nothing to shake a stick at. It’s time to start buying engagement rings. According to my pastor, a gentleman should spend $50,000 on his fiancee’s ring; anything less says, “I think you’re human garbage.”

Already married? There’s nothing wrong with a contingency plan (i.e., a box of rings buried in the backyard). Assume you’ll be married four times, just to be safe.
4 engagement rings at $50,000/ring = $200,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $550,000

STEP 5. After all that shopping, you’ll probably be hungry. Pay a Tiffany employee $25,000 to buy you a burrito.
1 burrito at $25,000/burrito = $25,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $525,000

STEP 6. All of a sudden, $525,000 doesn’t seem like much money. It’s not even $600,000! If the past few years have taught Americans anything, it’s that financial stress can be overwhelming: “Are we living within our budget?” “Do we have enough money to make ends meet at Tiffany?” Relax by treating yourself to a really nice brooch, like a diamond-encrusted pin of a gazelle, emu, yak, ibex or hartebeest. Animal-shaped pins are a great way to remind your peers that you are an interesting, creative person who likes the idea of nature. (NOTE: Remember to ask the Tiffany employee to write down the name of the animal, so you’ll have an answer when someone asks, “What’s that blob on your lapel?”)
1 animal pin at $125,000/animal pin = $125,00
BALANCE REMAINING: $400,000

STEP 7. You’ve got 30 necklaces, 80 earrings, four engagement rings, a burrito and a brooch. Maybe it’s time to buy something other than jewelry? Fortunately, Tiffany showrooms are filled with conversation pieces. Buy them. Do you like the jeweler’s bowtie? Buy it. Would the flowers on the counter look nice in your kitchen? Buy them. The wainscoting behind the counter might work in your den — buy it. Intriguing magazines in the employee break room? Buy them. Soon you’ll be able to recreate the “Tiffany experience” in the privacy of your own homes.
Miscellaneous items = $160,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $ 240,000

STEP 8. Buy a car.
1 car at $85,000/car = $85,000
BALANCE REMAINING: $155,000

STEP 9. I can’t believe I almost forgot wristwatches! Wristwatches (some call them “chronometers”) are unique among jewelry in that they use science to tell time. Support the spirit of scientific inquiry by buying ten wristwatches: one for telling time in the morning, one for telling time in the evening and eight for telling time in the bathtub.
10 wristwatches at $15,498/wristwatch = $154,980
BALANCE REMAINING: $20

STEP 10. Congratulations on the successful execution of my foolproof system! Who’s a big boy? You are! You still have 20 dollars left, which is a testament to your frugality and fundamental decency. Why not dabble in philanthropy? Give it to a homeless person loitering outside the showroom; it’ll make his day.
1 philanthropic gesture at $20/gesture = $20. (NOTE: Make sure he promises not to waste it on drugs.)

David Rees is a former political cartoonist. Now he is an artisanal pencil sharpener.

If you feel like you need a refresher course on the phone hacking scandal that is currently roiling political, criminal and media waters over in Britain, here is a pretty good summary.

by Andrew Piccone

Last Friday, July 1, photographer Andrew Piccone traveled to four neighborhoods in New York City. He spent an hour in each, to document the people, the looks and the sultry, lazy heights of summer. He brought back seven photos from each neighborhood, as he moved along from Rockaway Beach to the Upper East Side.

Rockaway Beach, on Beach 96th Street, 2 to 3 p.m.

Fort Greene, Dekalb and Carlton Avenues, 4:15 to 5:15 p.m.

Williamsburg, Bedford and South 5th Street, 5:45 to 6:45 p.m.

Upper East Side, 76th and Madison, 7:15 to 8: 15 p.m.

Andrew Piccone is a photographer in New York City. You can write him at andrewpiccone at gmail dot com.

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor — in this case, Braun.

“The number of dollar bills rolling off the great government presses here and in Fort Worth fell to a modern low last year. Production of $5 bills also dropped to the lowest level in 30 years. And for the first time in that period, the Treasury Department did not print any $10 bills. The meaning seems clear. The future is here. Cash is in decline.”

“Western New England, central and western New York and northeastern Ohio were the important cheese producing regions in 1849. Cheese production was the pioneer form of commercial dairying in the cooler climates. Dairies near large cities sold milk or butter.”
 — Here you will find a U.S.D.A. map that shows where cheese was made on farms in the United States in 1849.

“A new study finds that many college students believe the positive effects of heavy drinking outweigh the negative consequences. According to study participants, heavy drinking increases courage, eases communication, and has other social benefits that overshadow negative effects of hangovers, fights and regrettable sexual situations.” They left out the part about how alcohol also temporarily relieves the sorrowful burden of existence, but other than that I have to say that I am pretty impressed with the knowledge and understanding displayed by our nation’s college students. It’s a very proud day.