89. “Crystal”
88. “Actual Condition”
87. “No Promise Have I Made”
86. “You’re a Soldier”
85. “Tell You Tomorrow”
84. “One Step at a Time”
83. “All This I’ve Done for You”
82. “It’s Not Peculiar”
81. “Don’t Know Yet”
80. “Bed of Nails”
79. “The Wit and the Wisdom”
78. “Somewhere”
77. “Reoccurring Dreams”
76. “How To Skin a Cat”
75. “Hare Krsna”
74. “Charity, Chastity, Prudence, and Hope”
73. “What’s Going On”
72. “If I Told You”
71. “Dreams Reoccurring”
70. “Newest Industry”
69. “Too Far Down”
68. “She Floated Away”
67. “Masochism World”
66. “I Apologize”
65. “Monday Will Never Be the Same”
64. “I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About”
63. “Private Plane”
62. “Real World”
61. “Whatcha Drinkin’”
60. “Could You Be the One?”
59. “It’s Not Funny Anymore”
58. “Indecision Time”
57. “Too Much Spice”
56. “Lifeline”
55. “I Don’t Know for Sure”
54. “She’s a Woman (And Now He Is a Man)”
53. “No Reservations”
52. “Ice Cold Ice”
51. “Eiffel Tower High”
50. “The Baby Song”
49. “Don’t Want to Know if You Are Lonely”
48. “Hate Paper Doll”
47. “Back From Somewhere”
46. “Turn It Around”
45. “Dead Set on Destruction”
44. “Up in the Air”
43. “Out on a Limb”
42. “Standing in the Rain”
41. “Deadly Skies”
40. “Friend, You’ve Got to Fall”
39. “Every Everything”
38. “You Can Live at Home”
37. “Plans I Make”
36. “Standing by the Sea”
35. “Visionary”
34. “59 Times the Pain”
33. “Perfect Example”
32. “These Important Years”
31. “Broken Home, Broken Heart”
30. “Books About UFOs”
29. “Keep Hanging On”
28. “First of the Last Calls”
27. “Never Talking to You Again”
26. “The Tooth Fairy and the Princess”
25. “Folklore”
24. “Sorry Somehow”
23. “Powerline”
22. “Flip Your Wig”
21. “Whatever”
20. “Turn on the News”
19. “New Day Rising”
18. “Beyond the Threshold”
17. “Terms of Psychic Warfare”
16. “Makes No Sense at All”
15. “Pride”
14. “Divide and Conquer”
13. “I’ll Never Forget You”
12. “Diane”
11. “The Biggest Lie”
10. “Flexible Flyer”
9. “Hardly Getting Over It”
8. “The Girl Who Lives on Heaven Hill”
7. “Chartered Trips”
6. “Find Me”
5. “Pink Turns to Blue”
4. “Games”
3. “Green Eyes”
2. “Celebrated Summer”
1. “Something I Learned Today”

Matthew Gallaway graduated from Cornell University in 1990 with a B.A. in Hüsker Dü.

“Two Senators have been warning for months that the government has a secret legal interpretation of the Patriot Act so broad that it amounts to an entirely different law — one that gives the feds massive domestic surveillance powers, and keeps the rest of us in the dark about the snooping…. The Senators tried to get the government to reveal some of the law’s contents, by forcing the Director of National Intelligence and the Attorney General to produce a report outlining when this secret surveillance has gone overboard. Yesterday, the effort failed. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence said no to the report by rejecting Wyden and Udall’s amendment to the FY2012 Intelligence Authorization Act. In other words: we are all still in the dark about how the government is spying on us.”

“’I enjoy stealing,’ explains singer Perry Farrell in ‘Been Caught Stealing,’ Jane’s Addiction’s 1990 ode to shoplifting. ‘It’s just as simple as that.’ But unfortunately for businesses and thieves, little about shoplifting is simple.”

The August issue of Seventeen (don’t ask) has a particularly juicy “LIES He Tells You Straight To Your Face” column! This is an interesting editorial component. Is it… service? Is it fear-mongering exploitation? Somewhere in the middle? Mostly I can’t decide which of these two boys sound more evil. (Who am I kidding, THE CAT LIAR. SOMEONE THROW HIM OFF A BRIDGE IN A BURLAP SACK.) I am just so glad this kind of editorial didn’t exist when I was a teen — if I’d know the truth about humans, I don’t know if I would have ever left the house or spoken to anyone. (Though I guess it’s reassuring that teen boys are mostly just like 29-year-old boys?)

Dumb Internet Explorer Users Think They Can Sue

An update to the earlier story about how stupid Internet Explorer users are: “Internet Explorer users have a lower than average IQ, according to research by Consulting firm AptiQuant. The study gave web surfers an IQ test, then plotted their scores against the browser they used. IE surfers were found to have an average IQ lower than people using Chrome, Firefox and Safari. Users of Camino and Opera rated highest. The report has sparked anger from IE supporters, who have threatened AptiQuant with legal action.”

by Bethlehem Shoals and Brian Phillips

Bethlehem Shoals, who rents a one-bedroom basement in Seattle, is expecting a baby in September. Brian Phillips, who is as childless as failed royalty, recently moved with his wife to a small town in Pennsylvania, bought an old Victorian house and started renovating it. For both of us, these changes have meant a sort of crash-course introduction to consumer adulthood: We both find ourselves with a lot of new gear, all of it pretty specific to having either a baby or a house. Whose gear is more mystifying? In the spirit of major-life-event showdown, here we each offer three objects for the other’s review.

HOUSE OBJECT: Heat Gun, $79

Brian: This is a terrible implement, forged in hell, that blasts 1100° air on paint you need to strip. It looks like a hair dryer, but would melt the scalp of any sitcom character who made that mistake.

Shoals: I can’t decide if it sounds like something out of Kirby-era Marvel Comics, a prop from Criminal Minds or a highly collectible Baton Rouge funk record. But this made me really jealous when we first started talking about this stuff on the phone. It also couldn’t be further from my needs at the moment. I can’t imagine needing that kind of weapon with a baby around (nor can I see needing a geriatric funk band, for that matter). But we never discussed the actual temperature. I’m dumbfounded. Do things even get that hot on the Earth’s surface?

Brian: It’s a Venus heat. It’s indescribable. And we don’t have air conditioning yet, so the room quickly warms up to, I’m guessing, around 700°. But paint is basically tank armor. It’s part of the painted thing’s essence. Getting it off requires temperatures that actually become philosophical. Fortunately, this thing and I have worked out a Frodo/Gollum relationship: I know that it could kill me at any moment, but I need it to help me eliminate the dark power that threatens to destroy my world (unsightly wall coloring).

BABY OBJECT: BOB off-road performance stroller, $260 (marked down from $450)

Shoals: This was picked up from the bike section of REI; it features “state-of-the-art suspension” and a really creepy name for a Northwest staple. The major decision: Go with the hand-break, or the front wheel that pivots like those on a grocery cart?

Brian: A baby is, what, the size of a loaf of bread? It’s incredible how often I manage to get bread from the grocery store to my car without needing a $260 carrying device. Also, shouldn’t babies mainly stick to roads? I guess the state-of-the-art suspension will come in handy when you’re crossing the Tacoma mudflats with your baby?

Shoals: I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have a baby here and not own one of these. They’re pure Seattle: outdoorsy, overly-cautious, and silently judgmental. All snark aside, though, we kind of had to get one of these, albeit for totally Seattle reaons. The neighborhood we live is made up almost entirely of retired ski slopes and wannabe trailheads. There’s a pretty good chance that the stroller will have to slow down suddenly, deal with uneven terrain, or protect our child in the inevitable event of a blow-out or loss of control. Also, coyotes.

HOUSE OBJECT: Bolt cutters, $20

Brian: These are curved, long-handled shears that cut rusted bolts. In movies, they’re exclusively used to snip through chain-link fences during heist-initiation sequences. Before I bought a house, I thought they only belonged to criminals — and maybe also the Fantastic Mr. Fox?

Shoals: Given how tough, and small, bolts are, this seems like a bargain. Don’t the Jaws of Life have their own theme music and tour Southern states on off-days? I’m worried that you’re getting all these implements of destruction, and I’m all about protection and comfort of another. What if I start hugging strangers and you kill a cat? I’m beginning to understand why houses and babies are supposed to happen in tandem, and why this conversation may be all that’s keeping the two of us sane. I give to the world, you destroy.

Brian: It’s impossible to exaggerate the extent to which renovating a house messes with your understanding of punk rock. I spend all day hitting the high notes of disaffected 1970s teenagerdom — sniffing glue, inhaling paint fumes, wielding a crowbar in anger — and yet for all that it feels insurrectionary, I might as well be wearing pleated shorts. Who knew you could use bolt cutters to make property values go up? This is how Johnny Ramone wound up in the National Rifle Association. But sometimes you have to cut a bolt, even if you feel like the ING guy is about to “ask for your number.”

BABY OBJECT: Bam Crib Set, by Argington® Modern Children’s Furniture™, $585

Shoals: Bassinet to crib to bed sleeping device from a boutique-y line run by two Bed-Stuy parents with background in fine art and architecture. We somehow convinced my father and stepmother that it was a good long-term investment.

Brian: I think you told me about this crib before, and I’ve made my peace with it. No one should leave their baby on the floor all night, so it’s good that you’ve got a place to put yours right from the start. Also, from what I’ve seen of babies, they spend a lot of time lying down, so you want them to be comfortable. Thus the price point, I guess? I question “a unique six-point leg design” that increases “the safety and strength of the crib,” though. I mean, babies are pretty light, aren’t they? Four legs is enough for a baby. Still, this makes sense to me, I think.

Shoals It really shouldn’t. This is the most versatile conversion thingy, but hardly the only one, and I think you have to drop another $300 to turn it into a bed. Baby furniture, like co-ed lesbo porn, is almost entirely about the gaze of the Other — in this case, the parents who have begun to realize that their own furniture-lives will never be the same. So, as my wife and I officially say goodbye to our social lives, at least we can create a baby space that defines us demographically. At least we didn’t set our sights on the award-winning Swedish option with the $200 non-standard mattress. It lacked the proper cred, anyway.

HOUSE OBJECT: Piano dolly, $20

Brian: Basically, this is a carpeted, wheeled platform that you put a piano on if you have a valid reason to move it.

Shoals: I know what a piano dolly is. I never knew you could buy one retail. Or that a private citizen would ever need to buy one for themselves. Do you have a prized piano that likes to change its own scenery? Are you trying to push it out of a second-story window and onto a cow’s head?

Brian: The people who owned our house before us left behind an immaculate 107-year-old piano, which is amazing, except that we have to move it to refinish the floors, and moving a piano is impossible for a circus, much less two people who lack even basic carny training. Apparently the trick is to think of it as a barn-raising: the entire community rallies around you, helps you wrestle the piano onto the dolly, and then eats hearty sausages together. I wouldn’t know, because even though we live in Amish country, we don’t have 200 friends here yet, and so this thing is just sitting next to our un-movable piano looking forlorn and feeble. Moving this piano is like our ultimate black-belt test in becoming responsible stewards of the American ownership society. I mean, communities are dying out everywhere, but somehow Republicans still know how to move over-sized musical instruments.

BABY OBJECT: Doula, $500 to $2000 depending on experience, generosity, qualifications and reputation in the community

Shoals: Doulas are equal parts evangelists and, in this city’s crowded marketplace, hustlers. Every pregnant woman deserves this service, but the sliding scale is also a way of staying competitive. Our doula is a up-and-comer who doubles as a massage therapist, counselor and cadaver lab instructor.

Brian: This is someone who comes to the labor to offer the mom emotional support, right? I know women who swear by this, even if the role seems like it was invented by a former Santana sideman looking for a new lease on life. I guess this makes sense, but isn’t childbirth going to be terrible no matter how much encouragement you get? If anything, I think this role should be expanded into areas where it might have more tangible success. If Amy Winehouse had had a walking-around doula, she’d probably still be alive.

Shoals: You basically have it right, which makes it a lot easier to explain. I had no idea what a doula was; my wife made it sound like paying for an idealized female elder to hang around and dispense random pieces of wisdom, minus any of the things that relatives actually do. At some point, I realized that this meant someone in the room other than myself who was responsible for assisting in the emotional ordeal of childbirth. I got fixated on getting someone Jewish in the room, for the same reason I try to only go to Jewish therapists. I was chastened when one candidate informed me that the baby might be born on Yom Kippur. I had no idea.

Conclusion: The takeaway here seems to be that house-renovation stuff is way cheaper than baby stuff, although that leaves out the cost of the house, the cost of furnishing the house and the cost of sending the house to gifted-and-talented camp at Tufts in a few years. On the other hand, children are a lifelong source of joy and affirmation, but if you buy a house, your friends will still think you’re fun in six months. If you can only do one, have a baby, but it’s still probably best to do both — if you add a swimming pool the tax breaks are amazing.

Bethlehem Shoals is a founding member of FreeDarko.com as well as the Twitter account @freedarko.

Brian Phillips is the editor of The Run of Play. You can find him on Twitter @runofplay.

“A crazy plan to make German footballers in World War Two play a ‘Blitzkrieg’ game that copied the tactics of battlefield warriors has been found in a German archive. Devoted Nazi Karl Oberhuber accused the national team trainer Sepp Herberger — the coach for 28 years who led postwar West Germany to its first World Cup win in 1954 — of being ‘too Jewish’ in his training methods.”

Oh, no. Coming in September to Bloomberg TV (I think that’s channel 547803 in New York?), it’s TechStars! A TV show based on the entrepreneurial mentorship bootcamp program! This is formatted as a reality show, and was shot at TechStars’ last three-month incubator program in New York. It’s all about winning that big check for your hot startup, just like in real life. (Ha.) But it’s not just about tech! It’s about stars too! Because money = fame, and fame = money, and both of those = validation. This all fits into my theory that the current bubble is more of an emotional bubble, not actually an economic bubble. It’s a celebrity industrial complex bubble. So: Who will be the Puck? Who will be the Spencer and Heidi? (Answer: someone who will look back on the experience with regret.) Anyway. YOU KNOW WHO’S REALLY A STAR ENTREPRENEUR IN THE TECHNOLOGY FIELD? THE DRY CLEANERS ON THE CORNER AND THE DUDE WHO RUNS THAT DELI BY YOUR HOUSE AND THE LADY WHO GETS A USURIOUS BANK LOAN FOR A TAXI MEDALLION.

“For two years, a 36-year-old bear who performed during the 1980 Moscow Olympics has been kept with other retired circus animals in a rusty old bus parked on the outskirts of St. Petersburg…. Since her retirement in 2009, Katya and the painted bus on which she once toured with the circus have not left a parking lot near a busy highway. The aging bear spends the long hours jumping up and down in her cage and trying to crack the rusty metal railings with her chipped and yellowed teeth.” It is hard to believe, but this story gets worse.

If you are stressed out, a woman, elderly, not much of an eater or depressed, good news: you will probably get drunk more quickly than your fat and happy male equivalents. Just don’t drink to mask your social anxiety; that could result in your enjoying yourself at parties developing a drinking problem.