As you likely know, pine mouth is a hideous, prolonged, somewhat rare, random response to having eaten pine nuts. What’s it like? Here’s our first-person report: “You’re terrified that you are going insane. Everything tastes like you are choking on lemon zest.” Now, a new publication by the Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry finds esteemed scientists literally throwing up their hands. They learned a lot about pine nuts and their composition! But nothing useful: “An etiological agent for pine mouth has not been identified either for the cases reported in Europe or for those reported in the United States. Suggestions regarding causality range from the possible presence of an unidentified toxin (e.g., a contaminant or a natural constituent) resulting from importation of nonedible Pinus species to individual susceptibilities possibly related to polymorphism in the genetic expression of taste function.”

That is the way scientists say “WE GOT NOTHING.” Let us elect a new President who will insist on stopping these sad, useless scientists.

by Matthew J.X. Malady

In college, I dated a girl who applied for a job at an Express store in the mall. Part of her training involved something called the “Express You! Street Verbage [sic] Guide” — an almost unbelievably wrongheaded dictionary of street terms and slang that Express management wanted sales associates to learn so as to best relate to customers. My friend, a greeter-in-training, was instructed to review and memorize it. To be fair, this was the mid-90s. Illmatic had just dropped, Mariah Carey was putting out remixes with ODB, and it was virtually impossible to avoid TLC’s “Waterfalls.” But never mind that. The guide was funny even then — and as soon as I heard about it I asked her to snag me a copy.*

I recently came across it again during a move; and it was even more ridiculous/offensive than I’d remembered. The guide defines “crab” as “disrespect to a Crip,” and notes that a “Ni na” is a nine-millimeter gun. A full four years before the onset of those Budweiser commercials, the “Express You! Street Verbage Guide” was teaching trainees that “wassup” means “hi, what’s up.” In a potentially confusing turn, the document also states that “off the hook,” has two, quite different meanings: “1.) good 2.) bad.” There are definitions for “keepin it real,” and “narc,” and a really bizarre one for “jigga.” Things like “bodice” and “armscye,” meanwhile, are nowhere to be found. Now, 15-plus years on, let’s all marvel at this corporate branding communication of yore.

* Or, put another way… the “Express You! Street Verbage Guide” way:

Back in my old hood, a former boo landed a bangin’ job with a dope company called Express. In order to make sure she wasn’t half-steppin’, and was keepin it real, the company asked wifey to represent by peepin’ some phat thug lingo that real hoodrats flow with. Feel me? I told her they were buggin’, but blahze blahze, she said it was ahite and told me to put my piece away. I felt like the gangsta lingo guide had to be chicken and straight garbage, so I was symphin’ and feinning for her to jack a copy for me. I asked her to snag one “from some slob at her store.” She looked at me like I was trick no good and warned me that I needed to watch who I dis, on the real. Otherwise, there could be some blastin up in this piece, since “slob,” she had recently learned, is something you say if you’re looking to “disrespect a Blood.” (My bad!) Luckily, boo’s manager at Express, Amanda (or Ashley, or something), wasn’t a Blood, son. So there was no reason to call jigga. When boo brought the street guide back to the cut, I thought she was frontin’, but that thing was the ill real deal. I couldn’t stop riffin on that messed up, stupid lameball, scandalist guide, on the real. Word is born, the thing was just plain whack — and also super racist and drowning in stereotypes, true dat. I told boo that Express was clearly looking to make some cheese and cream off street slang, but that the whole thing couldn’t be more crust. And, geah, I would have a hard time keeping this on the L forever. I decided to break it down for her, and got mad mad as I paged through the guide. Blahze blahze, I haven’t set foot in an Express since — I mean, not even sporadically, B. That place is off the hook, but in a definition number two way. Dialtone.

Matthew J.X. Malady is a writer and editor living in Manhattan. Follow him on twitter @matthewjxmalady.

This explanation of A Clockwork Orange by the author (who died in 1993) was written eleven years after its publication, in 1973, which was nearly 40 years ago! It is printed in this week’s New Yorker, subscription-only.

I didn’t know that we were done with the old AIDS, but I guess our short attention spans mean we always need something fresh.

Here you will find a photogallery of people “being blasted in the face by a high-powered jet of air from an industrial leaf blower.”

Hey, how bad do you want to feel right now? Do you want to feel bone-crushingly bad? Like all the way through? Well then you’re in luck! Here are the stories of a bunch of adorable New York City kids and how they are treated by the NYPD.

Anthony Henry, also an eighth grader from P.S./I.S. 323, was walking to school before 8 a.m. last month when a big jeep pulled up alongside him. Five cops jumped out, he said.

“And they were all like, ‘Put your hands up’ and stuff,” said Anthony. “They checked me, checked my book bag. They threw all my books on the floor.”

The police started questioning him about drugs and gang members. He said he didn’t know anyone in a gang. They took him home, and his mom started yelling at the cops, telling them they had the wrong guy. At that point, Anthony said one officer just patted him on the head, and said, “My bad.”

“It was an honest mistake with unfortunate consequences. In the most recent German translation of the Mickey Mouse comics, the word ‘Holocaust’ accidentally appears as a gratulatory word. The German publisher attributes the mishap to a printing error and immediately recalled the issue, blacking out the word by hand.”

“A range of salts said to have been collected from human tears has gone on sale in London. Hoxton Street Monster Supplies says the salts come from crying humans experiencing a range of emotions. The £7 range includes salts harvested from tears of sorrow, tears shed while sneezing, tears shed while chopping onions, tears of laughter, and tears of anger.”

Did Arthur Sulzberger’s hot ladyfriend drive out the CEO of the New York Times? No, she did not. Although “It was a scenario that appealed to those relish­ing a catfight between ‘Arthur’s women,’” so let’s talk about it anyway. 🙁

Crappy British science “journalism” will destroy America.