Scientists Baffled by the Brutal, Terrible Mystery of "Pine Mouth"!

As you likely know, pine mouth is a hideous, prolonged, somewhat rare, random response to having eaten pine nuts. What’s it like? Here’s our first-person report: “You’re terrified that you are going insane. Everything tastes like you are choking on lemon zest.” Now, a new publication by the Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry finds esteemed scientists literally throwing up their hands. They learned a lot about pine nuts and their composition! But nothing useful: “An etiological agent for pine mouth has not been identified either for the cases reported in Europe or for those reported in the United States. Suggestions regarding causality range from the possible presence of an unidentified toxin (e.g., a contaminant or a natural constituent) resulting from importation of nonedible Pinus species to individual susceptibilities possibly related to polymorphism in the genetic expression of taste function.”

That is the way scientists say “WE GOT NOTHING.” Let us elect a new President who will insist on stopping these sad, useless scientists.