How To Lie To Kids About Santa

by Christian Brown and Tully Mills

Now, I don’t think I ever actually believed in Santa. The closest I came was a slow-burning conviction that his name was Santa Sauce because he was, in some sense, actually a marinara-ladled meatball given life and laugh and beard. I don’t think that counts, really — certainly a meatball could never hold a sleigh’s reins, or operate a multinational corporation — so I’ll claim that I knew from day zero that Santa was, strictly speaking, a kind of lie.

But he’s a useful lie. One that parents can deploy to effectively trick children into not behaving like tiny sociopaths who are too short to drive themselves to school. (Imagine attempting to get full grown adults to act like goddamn humans who can be nice for once in their lives by telling them about a slave owner with a really fancy closed-circuit television system who watches them wherever they go.)

So what’s the best, most effective way to lie to your children about Santa and impress upon them his omniscience and power? Well, it depends on how old they are. And so herewith I have assembled for you a host of explanations of how best to trick your small child into good behavior, sorted by age. Bookmark this website, and let it guide you year after year as the tiny person grows ever larger and more pop-culture savvy.

LIES ABOUT SANTA APPROPRIATE FOR ALL MANNER OF SMALL HUMANS

AGE 0–2

Say whatever you want. Have you met a baby? Babies have no idea what you are saying. They don’t understand complex ideas like gifts or punishment or mens rea — you aren’t going to be able to affect their behavior at all, no matter what you do! Here, however, is where you can lay down some key words that you will use later. Even teeny tiny infants will pick up on sounds, and you can turn this to your advantage by laying down stories as a bedrock for your future deceits.

Example: Santa. Saaanta. Santa santa. North pole reindeer. Presents. *Mime of opening a tiny baby-sized present, wide-eyed delight on your face.* Elf santa claus santa. Good. Nice.

AGE 3–5

Your little human will now recognize actual sentences. The bad news is, you will have to pay attention to your stories to make sure they have things like “syntax” and “meaning.” The good news, you will be able to practice lying! A toddler is not very smart, so make sure your explanation is clear-cut, morally absolute, and does not rely on knowing about other famous myths. You’re aiming for Star Wars, not the Silmarillion.

Example: Santa Claus is a man with a beard who lives at the North Pole. The North Pole is a very cold snowy place, where it is winter all the time and there are no other people, just Santa and his family! He gets very bored there, so he watches little kids all around the rest of the world using his Santa Vision, and once a year he rides in a magic sleigh to deliver presents to all the little boys and girls who did not disappoint him. Be good, or he will never bring you a present until next year, which is a long time from now.

AGE 6–8

Some parenting experts call this age “The Learnsies,” when television and twitter teach kids how to more effectively yearn for consumer goods. You’ll often see commercials during children’s cartoon programs for things like toys and class action lawsuits and tiny designer handbags. Or, if you are reading this six to eight years in the future, you will see holocommercials during children’s braincasts for things like eye implants and hoverboards and nanoshoes. Now is the time to start using the increasing cultural literacy of your little one against it! Work in some branding or some of their favorite cartoon characters. Consider adding some animals, too. Kids love animals!

Example: Long ago, all cats hated all people. Even Garfield hated people. You see, cats and people could not speak the same language, and humans could not understand that cats just wanted a warm bed and a plate of lasagna. They would try to play fetch, or to sing songs to the cats, and the cats hated it. So they chose from among themselves one representative to go to the humans, to teach them what cats like (being nice, cleaning up after themselves, sleeping a whole lot during the day) by giving gifts to the kids who were most like cats. This hero cat groomed his whiskers into a beard, his hat ears into a hat, and took his name from his once-sharp claws (get it?). Even to this day, once a year, he rewards the nicest, most cat-respecting kids with whatever they most desire, as long as it’s not too expensive or big.

AGE 9–11

By this age, your kids will be expecting a little bit more from their backstories. Depending on their levels of nerdiness, they’ll be reading old Asimov books in the library or looking up footsketball player stats on Yahoo! Sports — either way, they’ll be looking for a more rounded and complete Santa portrait. You’ll need to add a dramatic arc, which you can use to explain his limitations without leaving your kid with too many doubts. A useful trick then is to link your Santa story to something your kid loves, like a unicorn or a robot or a placekicker.

Example: Sentient Automated Niceness-calculating Toy-delivering Automaton, or S.A.N.T.A., is a robot from space, the last of his kind, sent to Earth with only one directive: To manufacture as many presents as possible, and launch them across the planet with his powerful SANTACANNON — the only way, of course, to get all those toys to all those kids in a single night. Unfortunately, as time goes on his parts begin to wear down, and he cannot serve every boy and girl any more. He must choose who is most deserving of his finely calibrated presents, by careful observation of the naughtiest and nicest behavior throughout the year. Those children he deems unworthy receive only a single grease-stained sprocket.

AGE 12–14

By this point, your kid will be questioning everything you ever told them. Religion, morality, your ability to function in the world without their direction, even implausible mythical men who deliver gifts will be doubted. And let’s face it, at this point, your Santa story is showing some signs of age and probably looking a little threadbare. Solution? Introduce a villain, who can add zip and menace to the story while also serving as a plot device to fill in your story’s more tattered edges. Just don’t make him too charismatic — remember what happened with Spike on “Buffy”?

Example: Santa is the last of an ancient race of protomen — those who built Atlantis and Mu and Hyperborea. He uses his primeval wisdom, once harnessed to build those antediluvian civilizations (and the pyramids themselves) to atone for the gross excesses and sins of his people. He is haunted by the only remaining member of the slave caste, a creature named Krampus, who taunts Santa by teaching the poorest children that they do not need his presents to be happy. Ageless, deathless, cursed to redeem his people, he sends gifts to children around the world, hoping eventually he will be able to earn the right to die.

AGE 15 and up

At this point, your child is too old for Santa. If you’ve done a good job lying to them, they may ask you to keep coming up with increasingly elaborate explanations for their favorite bearded frost giant. Do not do it. This is called The Santamarillion Complex, and encouraging it will only lead to your kids writing fanfiction when they should be kissing other teenagers.

I hope this guide is of some small use to you over the years of tricks. Be sure to fancy these lies up and adapt them to your particular child’s preferences — for instance, if your child is afraid of goat-horned men, do NOT mention the horns Santa hides under his suspiciously large hat. Never let Santa be overtly threatening — just ominously withholding of his love, like God, or you. And above all else, remember to slip them some Nyquil on Christmas Eve so they don’t wake up while you’re still drunkenly stacking presents under the tree.

Christian Brown (text) is an animator in Los Angeles, but sometimes he’s gotta share mythopoetic Santa stories on the internet. Probably best not to ask him about the role of Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause on his childhood understanding of the holidays.

Tully Mills (art) is an illustrator living in San Francisco.

With just over a week remaining before the Mayan Apocalypse, the situation around Planet Earth has been anything but calm. If you’ve been busy getting drunk at Christmas parties, you may be blissfully unaware of the huge flying mountains that have very nearly obliterated our world. But the asteroids are only half of the story: broken comets, secret meteor storms and a mysterious robot space shuttle are also haunting our skies this week.

• Asteroid 4179 Toutatis, described by astronomers as a “largish mountain,” zipped by Earth this morning, “harmlessly.” At its closest point, it was just 18 moon units away from destroying humanity and plunging the planet into years-long darkness. But don’t worry, it probably won’t strike us for another 600 years, if there’s an Earth left to strike.
• But on Tuesday morning, a previously unknown asteroid made an extremely close call — 140,000 miles, or less than two-thirds the distance between the Earth and the Moon. Nobody knew about this asteroid until it nearly collided with us. “Discovered only two days ago, XE54 came about as close to crashing into Earth as an asteroid can without actually doing so.”
• The Geminids, rocky leftovers from a comet that exploded, fill the nighttime sky with meteors this week, with the peak of 50 meteors per hour expected Thursday night. Until the invention of broadcast television kept people indoors at night, meteor storms were portents of doom.
• A surprise meteor storm will also peak Thursday night, with an expected 30 meteors per hour after sundown. These slower-moving fragments of the Comet Wirtanen will strike the planet as the comet’s debris collides with our atmosphere. There’s not even a name for this meteor storm, because it is happening for the first time. This is the thing about space: Not even the space scientists really know what’s going to slam into the planet next.
• And the secret robot space plane operated (maybe?) by the U.S. Air Force was just launched again on another completely secret mission. It goes up, it flies around for months and months, and it comes down. Maybe it is catching things up there, with its robotic arms.

Image by E. De Jong and S. Suzuki, JPL, NASA.

I have always thought the perfect country song would be sung from the point of view of a man who is in an argument with his woman but decides to let it go in the interests of making sure he gets sex that evening. It would be called “I’d Rather Be Naked (Than Right).” That said, I can’t write a tune to save my life, and I am generally pretty lazy even with something as easy to pen lyrics to as this would be (both “turn out the light” and “you win this fight” are natural rhymes for the chorus) so it will remain yet another idea I allow to vanish into the ether, as almost everything in my mind will someday do. In any event, if you would rather be effective than right, here’s some advice.

by Awl Sponsors

We team up with braun to talk to Refinery 29 Co-Founder Philippe Von Borries about his favorite Built to Perform possession.

“In a high performance world, braun creates innovative designs built to last 7 years. Braun profiles 15 innovative guys in an intimate look at their life passions and the unique objects of design and durability that power their life.”

Seven years ago, Philippe von Borries, intent on creating a “curated mall,” partnered with longtime friend Justin Stefano to create Refinery 29. True to its name, Refinery 29 distills the global world of fashion into a cohesive community rooted in “entertainment, inspiration and information.” It’s an an integrated hub of retail luminaries and fashion-forward editorial that connects with a style savvy audience. In just a few short years, Refinery 29 has blossomed into one of the premiere trend-focused platforms, garnishing 1.5 million unique visitors each month.

A graduate of Columbia University, von Borries has moved from international affairs (he worked for media startup Global List) to life as an international voice pioneering the social media landscape of fashion, a transition that influenced Refinery 29’s effective approach of merging commerce and experience. In June, 2012, Refinery 29 launched R29 Shops, an e-commerce channel that showcases such name brands as Rebecca Minkoff and Keds Apparel. Now recognized as a leading name in the digital ecosystem of fashion, von Borries has provided unique insight as a recent speaker for The Curators Conference, an event sponsored by Portable TV to highlight top influencers at the intersection of art, film and fashion.

With Refinery 29 as the go-to source for emerging talent and news, it’s no wonder that von Borries has selected a 1957 Michelin Guide to France as his Built to Perform prized possession, a testament to the fortitude of a classic that never goes out of fashion.

1) Who did you look up to growing up?

Oh, man — Boris Becker. I was a fanatic tennis fan. I grew up in Germany, am an only child and I think, as a result, was always be drawn to solo sports. I would travel to whatever tournament I could and I went to tennis camps. I finally met him. He was never a consistent player, every game was an emotional roller coaster and he definitely took me along for the ride.

Photo: James Ryang

2) How did you make the leap from international affairs to women’s fashion and what was your approach to growing Refinery 29? How did you and your business partner Justin Stefano meet?

I was working in international affairs before for a media start up in DC. There wasn’t a natural path to fashion. My business partner Justin and I (we know each other all the way back from boarding school) were consumed by the idea of creating a curated mall of your dreams where you could shop the best individual retailers and stores in cities across the world. Most of the stores were fashion boutiques and we started to develop a lot of credibility with independent designers and stores. That was the beginning of our journey into fashion.

3) What is one fashion trend that you’ve seen recently which has surprised you or caught your attention?

Man skirts, the Canadian tuxedo, plaid on plaid.

Photo: James Ryang

4) What are some of your favorite fashion stores or designers in New York?

I’m a man of habits. I kind of wear a uniform — jeans, boots, button down or sweatshirts. My favorites are Steven Alan and Rag & Bone.

5) How would you describe the Refinery29 community?

Youthful, fun, real, supportive, curious, excitable and stylish.

6) Your Built to Perform prized possession is a vintage, 1957 Michelin Guide to France. Why is it your Built to Perform possession? I found it at an antique book store on the Upper West Side. It was the first one that I bought. There are more of them out there — more than you think and you can find them en masse in France.

It’s an amazing possession because you can get yourself lost in a time warp of different road trips through Provence in the 1950s.

7) In one sentence, tell us why you couldn’t live without your Built to Perform possession.

I could definitely live without it but then I then wouldn’t have that awesome reminder staring at me from the bookshelf to plan the next trip.

Did you have a good racism morning? There’s only 13 shopping days left until Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained hits theaters. But already whites are rising up against this film, which accurately depicts the intolerable cruelty of The Blacks to white people throughout American history. “Many of us are tired of blatant anti-white racism being couched in ‘satire’ or ‘comedic routines’ just so we can be called ‘thin-skinned’ when we take offense,” is how people are responding. Think that’s an outlier? Oh there is so much more, when Drudge commenters flood the Hollywood Reporter, which is so grateful for the sweet, sweet traffic flood that they’re too stunned to TURN OFF THE COMMENTS, FOR GOD’S SAKES, SHUT IT ALL DOWN, DO IT FOR AMERICA YOU FOOLS.

The amazing Sheila Escovedo turns 55 today. If, like some of us, you have someone in your life — let’s say, just for example’s sake, some guy who’s got a name full of excess vowels and with whom you have founded your own company — who consistently, and despite being asked repeatedly to stop, forces an earworm on you by humming “bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum” while you are both in the office, you consider pretty much every day Sheila E. day, but today it will have extra special significance.

“Ravi Shankar, the Indian sitarist and composer whose collaborations with Western classical musicians as well as rock stars helped foster a worldwide appreciation of India’s traditional music, died Tuesday in a hospital near his home in Southern California. He was 92…. Mr. Shankar, a soft-spoken, eloquent man whose performance style embodied a virtuosity that transcended musical languages, was trained in both Eastern and Western musical traditions. Although Western audiences were often mystified by the odd sounds and shapes of the instruments when he began touring in Europe and the United States in the early 1950s, Mr. Shankar and his ensemble gradually built a large following for Indian music.” Here he is in a 1997 performance with his daughter Anoushka, who does pretty well on the sitar herself. And if you’d like to spend some time listening to other tracks, this seems solid.

Today is the last time people can be annoying about the fact that the digits in our calendar styling are, like, the same, man, for about 98 years or so, by which point you’ll be long dead. So just grit your teeth and remind yourself of that when everyone’s all, “Oh my God, it’s 12/12/12!” I mean, I get through most days by reminding myself that I’ll be dead soon enough, but today it will have extra special significance.

Jackie Beat begins her annual Christmas show of libelous filth! Jane Siberry! Polly Mellen! Faust at BAM! And much much more. Also there is a lie in this podcast! The Jeff Johnson and David Roth event was last week, ignore me. It’s early. So don’t go to Housing Works unless you want to buy books for charity, which would be horrible of you. More info here.

Ever since Superstorm Sandy invented global warming six weeks ago, many of us have become more concerned about the environment and the future of our planet. Should we do “Christmas as usual” this year, or should Hanukkah be changed to address the terrifying reality of rapid climate change and rising seas? Will this be a Winter Solstice of ecological discontent, or a Kwazy Kwanzaa of renewed purpose in the face of crisis and challenge? How can you buy things for your sustainability-loving friends and relations without actually accelerating the cycle of planetary doom?

We have that all figured out for you! From inexpensive sun-powered autonomous insect simulacra to $100 donations to the do-gooders at the top environmental organizations, these gifts can help you finish your shopping in a few minutes of wasting time on the Internet at work.

Solar Grasshopper Robot Friends

For the comically low price of $2.56 each, these tiny robot insects are good for stocking stuffers and office parties. You snap the pieces together, put the bug in the sunlight, and watch it move about. Exciting, yes, but it is also a working example of the miracle of renewable solar energy. No studies have been done, so far, on the likelihood of groups of solar grasshoppers forming a “hive mind” and attacking humans.

Eco iPhone Case Made of Actual Garbage

We all love our smart phones, even if we are not too happy about the Foxconn stories of sadness and suicide. Help the guilty souls on your list feel a little bit better with this handsome iPhone 4/4s case made out of real garbage. It’s just trash, including “rice husks,” pressed into a pleasingly shaped case that is apparently “inspired by the inro, a Japanese Edo-Period accessory used to carry small objects, such as identity seals, and often shaped to provide tactile stress relief.” This doesn’t mean you can have sex with it, but the stress of carrying around a possibly evil “smart phone” is a very real condition you can help your pals overcome with an $8.95 case made of 100% garbage.

Belkin Conserve Power Outlet Buddy

Oh god, the power outlets in your apartment are constantly sucking out a little bit of electricity, like tiny vampires, even when your various devices and lights are turned off. What to do? For the holidays, you can just not worry about it too much — Christmas lights don’t look so pretty without power — and transfer your crushing sense of domestic failure to the folks on your holiday present text document. Here’s a sweet little gadget by Belkin that turns off the juice at the source. Don’t let your friends and family wear out their hands or their plugs always yanking things out of the outlets. The Belkin Conserve Power Switch sells for $6.89 each, or get a three-pack for $17.97.

Happy Hippie Eco Frisbee

Do you have one of those people on your list who enjoys jam bands? You know, a prep school type who had cassette tapes of Grateful Dead concerts like in that terrible article a few weeks ago? This person already has several variations of the “hacky sack,” so it’s probably time for a new eco-concious toy for Sundays at the park with the Labrador wearing a bandanna. The EcoSaucer will save you from thinking about this person any longer. For only $6.35 apiece, the EcoSaucer gives you something to talk about with this person other than Phish — do you really want to spend Christmas day hearing this person describe the variations in bass playing from one show to another? Of course not. Send the hedge-fund manager or content aggregation consultant outside in the cold with his dog and his EcoSaucer, the end.

Giant “Solar Bag” Sky-Dildo Thing

Wow, this is sure a very long black phallic object to fly around the neighborhood! How do you know it’s a good tool for learning about the magic of harnessing the sun’s energy? Because when you fill this 50-foot-long thing with air and leave it in the sunshine, it floats away! Tie a string to the end to pull it down eventually, or don’t. It’s your call. Or, technically, it is the call of the recipient of this wonderful gift. Only $23.49 and guaranteed to please so many people all around town, who will be heard crying out to the heavens: “Hey what on Earth is that thing in the sky? Should we be scared? Is this finally the end of humanity?” Everybody will learn important lessons about renewable energy.

LOOT FOR LOCAVORES

Some people don’t want any of this stuff. You may be one of them! But what everybody loves for the holidays is something to eat or drink. With all the dietary restrictions and made-up allergies and fish that are not the fish you thought they were, it can be tough to find some gift-y local food-type products that will work for most everyone. So try this: Salt. The big-city farmers markets usually have locally harvested sea salt, in handsome little jars with a ribbon or something decorative.

At the huge and fantastic Marin County farmers market at the Frank Lloyd Wright-designed Civic Center and other Bay Area farmers markets, you can usually find La Mar’s Mendocino Sea Salt in a jar with a little wooden scoop, all ready for gift giving. Except, apparently, not this Christmas, because the family-run business is taking a break due to something family related. It is really exceptional salt, flaky and crunchy and with the same kind of fresh briny flavor you get from Tomales Bay oysters. But, since you cannot buy that, here are some other well-regarded local salt makers who are probably selling holiday-ready jars or burlap sacks of local sea salt at a farmers market near you:

Amagansett Sea Salt: The best in New York, harvested from the Atlantic and bottled just steps from the beach in the Hamptons. Find it at farmers markets or their online store.

Jacobson Salt Company: Based in Portland, Oregon, and taken from the cold Pacific seas off Netarts Bay, it’s available online or at fancy food shops and markets in Portland and Seattle.

Maine Sea Salt: Good stuff from the state’s first salt harvesting operation in 200 years. Dried in “solar greenhouses,” even! (Sea salt is generally dried by the sun, but still.)

SUPER-SMUG PRETEND GIFTS “TO HELP NATURE”

You know those people who actually get angry when somebody gives them a nice present? The ones who lecture you for buying something unsustainable or for not using newsprint for wrapping paper or whatever you did that didn’t meet the standards of the person who was just given a holiday present? Those people should not get any present at all. But sometimes you kind of have to get them a present, because they’re your roommate or relative or boss or spouse. These troublesome humans need a gift donation to a good cause.

If you like the person, go ahead and choose their favorite environmental non-profit. (They will talk about this non-profit pretty regularly, so you’ll know which one.) If you have really had enough of this particular person, step up your gift to an organization that’s more hardcore than the person on your gift list. This is a way of saying, “I got you something, and also you don’t measure up to your proclaimed ideals.”

A hundred-dollar donation to a quality non-profit like the Nature Conservancy, the Center for Biological Diversity or the Natural Resources Defense Council is a good way to give a “thoughtful gift” without involving another piece of consumer junk that may or may not be wanted at all. Go ahead and choose the “e-card only” option if you want to be a real jerk to the very end. Paper cards waste paper!

Top-left photo by lindsay.dee.bunny.