Hey, Your Family Is Really Quite Naked on Your Christmas Card, by Joel Johnson

by Joel Johnson

From time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today, we’re pleased to bring you this report by Joel Johnson, who at this time is very disturbed by someone’s Christmas card.

Robert X. Cringley is a strange dude. Ostensibly a tech pundit, he sort of busted himself out of a brief moment of Slashdot-era sun when it became clear that he had lied about having a Ph.D. from Stanford and there were also some not-at-all accurate stories about magical Wi-Fi repeaters. And also he is “known for” his family’s Christmas cards, he related today, because “we make them ourselves and we’re naked.” Well at least the children are naked!

There aren’t actually any little tiny Christmas cocks in the photo, thanks to Austin Powers-class obfuscation from cookie sheets and oven mitts, but Cringley-or Mark Stephens, since that’s his real name, because the only people who have “X” as a middle initial are telepaths and pornographers-but what is irking me maybe just a bit unfairly is that Cringley and his wife are wearing clothes! Or at least in the case of Mrs. Stephens, an apron that flaunts a generous amount of sideboob but has no actual risk of yuletide snatch exposure.

So I don’t know! The hairy human part of me who thinks we are all undersexed while simultaneous oversensitive to nudity and prone to sexualizing everything wants to go “Let the freaks enjoy their naked baking”! But the part of me who understands why Kinkos wouldn’t actually print these cards is terrified by the tech pundit who couldn’t figure out how to just print these at home but must instead complain about it on the Internet. For the second year in a row, apparently!

Joel Johnson has no idea what ‘an honor’ means.