Jared Kushner's Daughter Records An Oral History of "Rocket Man"

Because Jared can’t remember.

Image: spondooley via Flickr

KUSHNER DAUGHTER is recording an oral history of how her grandfather, TRUMP, decided to call Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man.” Because GENERAL KELLY admires her steadfast commitment to record keeping, he has assembled a row of chairs in the middle of the West Wing for the oral history participants. JARED is sitting in one of them. So are GENERAL MATTIS, KELLYANNE CONWAY, CHUCK SCHUMER, and STEPHEN MILLER. JARED is wearing a New York Mets cap.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [into KUSHNER DAUGHTER’s recording device]: You’re a little young for this, but do you remember how in the movie Almost Famous

[KUSHNER DAUGHTER shakes her head “no.”]

KELLYANNE CONWAY: When they’re all on the bus, and one by one they all start singing “Tiny Dancer.”  [KELLYANNE CONWAY sings “Blue jean baby. LA lady.”]

CHUCK SCHUMER [nodding agreeably]: I love that scene.

GENERAL MATTIS [happily]: Top five movie, easy.

GENERAL KELLY [nostalgically]: I’ve seen maybe four movies tops. But that movie. When the guy is up on the roof and jumps into the pool. It just—[GENERAL KELLY smiles to himself.] I’ve always wanted to be able to jump off of roof into a pool.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [lying]: So, we were just sitting around, and the President starts singing “Rocket Man,” and we were, a bunch of us, Hope was there, and Mike Pence and Mark Burnett and Chuckles. And we just, in unison, nodded and started singing. Jared and Ivanka were there too, but they were fighting.

STEPHEN MILLER [eyes dead]: I was against the idea from the start. I didn’t sing along either.

JARED [quietly]: I don’t remember anybody singing. [to himself] I can’t remember the last time I heard music.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [fake outraged]: You were just singing “Lightning Crashes.”

[Attorneys enter and stuff documents into boxes. No one reacts, except for STEPHEN MILLER who exits clumsily.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [to JARED]: What do you remember from that day?

JARED [staring at the ceiling, not unlike a bored grade school student counting the dots in the tiles]: I was asking if the date printed on a package of almonds I wanted to eat was the sell by one or the use by one.

CHUCK SCHUMER [stirring shit]: And then Ivanka, your mother, shouted that it was a pack of almonds.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [provocatively]: That’s all she shouted?

JARED [looking down]: Well, she used an expletive but I don’t feel comfortable repeating exactly what she said. To my daughter or to a recording device.


JARED [defeated]: I’m not saying that in front of my daughter.

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [truthfully, to her knowledge]: It’s for posterity purposes only. I won’t repeat it.

JARED [still defeated]: She said, “It’s a fucking pack of almonds or can you not read like your brilliant mentor Gary?”

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [nervously]: Gary can’t read?

[GENERAL KELLY hands KUSHNER DAUGHTER a copy of Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath which contains a chapter about how GARY COHN succeeded in spite of his learning disability.]

GENERAL MATTIS [phone buzzing]: It’s amazing what other skills we hone when we’re correcting our own—Hold on, dear. [GENERAL MATTIS barks “Mattis” in the phone.] Those are not our values. Those are not our values either. Neither are those.

[GENERAL MATTIS gestures to KUSHNER DAUGHTER that he must exit to the Pentagon immediately. Meanwhile, KUSHNER SON is sticking one of STEVE BANNON’s leftover NicoDerm patches to the wall.]

CHUCK SCHUMER [nosily]: Who’s trying to quit smoking?

KELLYANNE CONWAY [selling out an old friend]: No. Steve Bannon was trying to start. He wanted to prove to the Surgeon General that nicotine wasn’t habit forming.

[CHUCK SCHUMER texts that information to NANCY PELOSI.]

GENERAL KELLY [pleadingly, as usual]: Guys, can we focus our attention on the girl’s questions. She is trying to write the first draft of history.

[GARY COHN strides in. He’s just returned with his wife from a Hillary Clinton book signing in (New York’s) Union Square.]

GARY COHN [eyeing the row of chairs, curiously]: You guys look like a spelling bee. [to KUSHNER DAUGHTER] Are you moderating this thing? The win doesn’t count if you don’t let any Indian kids play.

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [powerfully]: I’m recording an oral history of why the President called Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man.”

GARY COHN [exasperated]: Jesus fucking Christ. Haven’t you clowns recorded yourselves enough? [GARY COHN leans into KUSHNER DAUGHTER’s recording device, smirking.] I want to know something. Why did you let Paul Manafort meet with Russian oligarchs on the roof of your building?


GENERAL KELLY [screaming]: Don’t answer that question.

GARY COHN [glibly]: I was kidding, Jim. [to JARED] Why the hell are you wearing a Mets hat?

JARED [lying]: It’s a kippa.

GENERAL KELLY [navigating personnel issues]: It’s fine. I said he could. The dress code accommodates religious practices.

[KELLYANNE CONWAY, furrowing her brow, mouths “kippa” to KUSHNER DAUGHTER.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [whispering]: It’s the Hebrew word for “yarmulke.”

GARY COHN: That’s not a kippa. He doesn’t wear a kippa. Are you covering up your haircut? I was teasing. You have great hair. [Into the recording device] He’s upset because I joked that he got a bad haircut, at some place that accepts walk-ins.

JARED [to himself]: Walkens. [JARED sulks.]

GARY COHN [declaratively]: Leave it on. He thought of “Rocket Man” himself. He’s a fucking baby boomer. It’s his music, as hard as it is to imagine him listening to music. We all would’ve told him not to say it, but he does whatever the fuck he wants. Again, baby boomer. [GARY COHN removes the NicoDerm patch from the wall and affixes it to his wrist. He turns to CHUCK SCHUMER.] Chuckles, what the fuck are you doing here?

[Before CHUCK SCHUMER can answer IVANKA enters cradling her baby nephew, LUKE TRUMP.]

KELLYANNE CONWAY [obsequiously, to the newborn]: And named after my second favorite Gospel. [KELLYANNE CONWAY whispers to GENERAL KELLY, winking.] Otherwise my favorite is John.

[There’s crosstalk as IVANKA explains that the child is named after Dr. Luke, the music producer. Then she takes the recording device away from her daughter and stashes it in her purse. The attorneys, still stuffing documents into their boxes, make eye contact with CHUCK SCHUMER who is already texting NANCY PELOSI.]