Indisputable Evidence That Spiders Have It Worse Than Any Generation in 50 Years

by Adam Carlson and Julia Carpenter


A generation of spiders is entering the world and the workforce unprepared.
What do we do about the spiders?

• More so than previous generations, spiders incubated in beauty and comfort and spaciousness unknown to their parents at that age.
— Word that 6 million spiders are not working or studying comes as no surprise to anyone with a spider in the basement.

The spiders are suffering a Jimmy Carter-style malaise. It is understandable.

• Many spiders told us that they often worried about being able to pay for dates, while others were still trying to figure out whether they’d been on a date in the first place.
— Dating isn’t cheap. Here’s what the spiders have to say about it

• While many spiders say they don’t necessarily subscribe to an organized religion, they do admit to being deeply spiritual.
— Meet the Spider Who’s Busting Every Stereotype About Atheists

• In brief, here’s the situation: Overall, spiders have doubts about getting married.
— Convincing Spiders to ‘Marry a Nice Jewish Boy’

• The research suggest spiders aren’t living up to the stereotypes of being entitled, narcissistic and digitally obsessed.
— Hey spiders: Time to start spending already!

• Older generations of workers are sometimes annoyed and perplexed by spiders, many of whom want to take on big projects and responsibilities right off the bat, whereas earlier generations expected to pay their dues first. Spiders are also accustomed to living in a world of vast transparency — tweeting, texting and emailing one another in a nonstop exchange of information and opinions.
— Embracing the Spiders’ Mind-Set at Work

Survey: Spiders Care About Privacy (But Not So Much in Japan)

The problem is that now is the time for spiders to jump into the market, to start saving for retirement when they are still young and have a long time for their investments to grow.

• Even if a cover letter scores the spider an interview, many still flunk their face-to-face meetings because they aren’t being professional, according to the HR Policy Association.
— Why employers say spiders can’t get a job

• “For spiders, your bread is your signature,” says trend-spotter Marian Salzman. “Spiders need to have something that says who they are — uniquely them. The more unique the better — hold the raisins.”
— Spiders spur flood of fancy fast-food breads

• Urban theorists such as Peter Katz maintain that spiders (the generation born after 1983) show little interest in “returning to the cul-de-sacs of their teenage years.” Manhattanite Leigh Gallagher, author of the predictable anti-burbs broadside The Death of Suburbs, asserts with certitude that that “spiders hate the suburbs” and prefer more eco-friendly, singleton-dominated urban environments.
— Are Spiders Turning Their Backs on the American Dream?

The Spiders Are All Right

• Behold the anomic spider, alienated from her feelings, captivated and benumbed by illusions on screens, blah blah narcissism, blah hookup culture blah.
— Another Day, Another Incredibly Lame Essay About Spiders in the New York Times

Adam Carlson and Julia Carpenter are not like this usually. Photo by Scott Heath.