by Peter Mccollum
“Late Tuesday night, a man broke into a Wenatchee, Washington home, in search of another man he intended to murder. When the residents came home, they found him standing by their open refrigerator, feeding their pet dog pudding. They informed him that this was not the home of the man’s victim and he should leave before they call the police. He did, but not before calling the dog, who trotted out after him. The man was arrested later that night at his home in Wenatchee. The dog has not been found since.”
Crazy story, you may be thinking. And: crazy dude! However. The suspect — one Jason McDaniel — is not as crazy as he seems. Here’s why.
The family wasn’t home on a Tuesday night. Yup: a family in Wenatchee, Washington, was not home on a Tuesday night. What could possibly be happening to make a Wenatchee family not stay home? Were they out watching the local College Summer Baseball team, the Wenatchee Applesox? Because they’re a thing. Were they out marveling at how goddamn cold it is, because they live in freaking Washington? Did they just not want to be in the same room as a TV while the “Jeselnik Offensive” aired? Probably the last one, too. Still, that’s pretty crazy.
And. They have pudding sitting in their refrigerator and they left the house? No.
Their dog is a “black lab-pitbull mix.” Why does that exist?
Their dog, A BLACK LAB-PITBULL MIX, did not attack the man who intruded their home. Then, what was the purpose of combining those dogs?
The man was out to kill someone. He had a reason to break into that home, people.
How many times do you think that dog watched the refrigerator door close, the beautiful pudding sitting idly by, while his owners munched on some carrot sticks or something. How many times do you think he ate absolute gunk and desired just one small taste of some pudding? If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s the pudding’s fault.
Speaking of pudding, pure craziness is the lack of description for the pudding’s flavor or size in the Wenatchee World article. Biased!
Shut it down, Wenatchee’s got a Curling Club. Okay, maybe the family wasn’t as crazy as we thought.
The Applesox play on “Paul Thomas Field.” How many cinephiles go out there just to box with bowling pins or whip their massive, fake Marky Mark dongs out? Lots probably.
The concept of a robber feeding a dog pudding is not really too over the top. Imagine if you broke into someone’s house and the dog barked outrageously. Would you just try to finish up? No, you’d do something to hold the dog over. We’ve already established that these people are probably majorly misguided, so they certainly didn’t keep milkbones lying around for the dog to chew on. Maybe the pudding was the only viable option.
Or maybe he was just hungry for some pudding.
WHAT KIND OF PUDDING WAS IT.
Jason McDaniel is apparently a pretty nice guy. They told him to leave and he did. All he did was wave to the dog and it followed. What does that tell you about the dog’s relationship to his human parents? It’s like the end of Air Bud and McDaniel’s not the clown. “Just saying.”
The only conclusion that can be made from this story is that Wenatchee sucks, plain and simple. It’s a city where people can break into your home and feed your dog pudding, and then steal your dog. It’s a city that has a baseball team named the Applesox. It’s a city where pudding goes uneaten. It’s a city where, this week, a man was arrested for getting naked on a playground and bear-hugging a teacher. The city itself is crazier than Jason McDaniels will ever be.