by David Roth and David Raposa
David Roth: Well, how do you like that? A guy who looks like a flamboyant, bespectacled version of Grimace doing the Humpty Dance at Yankee Stadium.
David Raposa: You shouldn’t talk about David Wells like that. He’s worked really hard to beat the gout.
David Roth: You can tell by how shiny he is in the TBS studios. He looks good. He looks less like a week-old, goateed gnocchi than he used to.
David Roth: I’m still baffled by pretty much everything that has happened. When the Diamondbacks played the Mets earlier this year, they seriously looked like a Western European World Baseball Classic entry. One where all the administrators high-five because they were able to convince a governing body that Paul Lo Duca was an Arizonan and sneak him on the roster. Now they are a win away from the NLCS with the same Doofuses + Upton formula.
David Raposa: That was BG (Before Goldschmidt).
David Roth: Possible-maybe-kinda-Jewish sluggers do tend to make an impact. Not to jinx Goldschmidt, but he could be the next Mike Epstein.
David Raposa: I am all for anything that brings us closer to having Manischewitz on tap in the cathedrals of baseball. In other news, thanks to thuuuuuu Yankees loss, I am sucking wind in my attempt to become the next great baseball prognosticatorial guesser person. 0-for-2 so far.
David Roth: So what was the other one you got wrong? You didn’t have the Rays beating the Rangers, did you? Did your loyalties run thicker than your ability to notice Casey Kotchman’s everyday presence in the lineup? I am ambushing you here. Do you not have time for some Yakkin’ tonight?
David Raposa: Nah, I was just dicking around, watching an old David Caruso flick. The usual.
David Roth: Oh shit, Kiss of Death? Nicolas Cage bench-pressing Hope Davis, the whole thing?
David Raposa: How’d you know? Is that because the only movies he made were that and Jade?
David Roth: And no one would admit to watching Jade. “Oh, I decided to stay in and watch Jade. I’m a big Chazz Palminteri fan, so…”
David Raposa: “It’s for my thesis is on the principles of Nietzsche as expressed in the screenplays of Joe Eszterhas.”
David Roth: “I published a paper on inchoate homoeroticism in racquetball scenes from Eszterhas films, and I’ve presented it at the Vatican and Telluride.”
David Raposa: Oh god — forgot about Basic Instinct Racquetball.
David Roth: And Jade! I just admitted to watching Jade, so we should hurry up and finish this before I have to go to jail.
David Raposa: If we’re not grading on a curve, I’m actually wrong across the board. I picked the Rays, picked the Yankees and picked sweeps for both division series (Brewers and Phillies).
David Roth: The NLDS’es both made sense. I would’ve picked the Yankees, too. They are the only team that isn’t starting at least a couple of TFHs. (That’s SABR for “Total Flagrant Humps”)
David Raposa: Ah. I was gonna reach for the glossary.
David Roth: It’s kind of bleeding-edge. I like baseball more when The Yankees aren’t there. Not so much out of any animus against them, but because I suspect it frustrated Rudy Giuliani.
David Raposa: I wish I gave as much of a shit. I really don’t mind them so much (anymore).
David Roth: And I do love Mariano and will miss watching him more. The inning he threw in Game 5 involved the shittiest contact I’ve ever seen. It was like someone did the Folgers Swap on the Tigers bats and replaced them with Peeps.
David Raposa: Granted, it was to the ass end of the Tiger line-up.
David Roth: Yes it was. Still, their bats exploded and their pants fell down every time he threw a pitch.
David Raposa: And he is 83 years old.
David Roth: Seriously. He is five years older than Dennis Eckersley, and still effective.
David Raposa: All that said, I most definitely mind the Yankee coterie. Especially The Passionate Received-Wisdom Swallowing And Kinda Not Following Baseball Yankee Fan. The one that’ll call a guy a bum for going 0-for-April, and then give the same guy a reach-around after getting two hits in an August game against Seattle. And who probably thought Mike Francesa was right about Al Albuquerque.
David Roth: That was so great. “No way dat is a real name, get owdda he-yah. I hate these Baba Booey guys. Okay, IP Freely in Valley Stream, you’re on the air.”
David Raposa: Doris from Rego Park just turned over in her grave to light up another Lucky Strike.
David Roth: The default Yankee fan in my mind is Turtle from “Entourage.” He’s saying something about A-Rod not having the heart of a champion.
David Raposa: Turtle would never say that! He’s trying to get A-Rod to invest in his tequila company! Which is to say: yes, I did sit through the final season of “Entourage.” The reasons for said viewing are something I’d like to keep between me and my team of therapists.
David Roth: What happened to him, did he suddenly realize that he’d been living a nauseous, materialistic lie for like six seasons? “This Ari guy, you guys, he is a total dickhead. We need not to hang around with him. Also, the Kevin Dillon guy needs to be in a home or something.”
David Raposa: I’d explain it, but I still want to respect myself in the morning. Just be happy knowing that he’s rich, and (SPOILER ALERT) Vinnie Chase got laid. #victory
David Roth: Have you got a team left in the playoffs? I have more anti-teams than teams left.
David Raposa: I guess the Brewers. Have to rep for the team that has foodstuffs as mascots and a food-stuffed human as their star slugger.
David Roth: Oh no! /Raposa slides down slide in centerfield.
David Raposa: But I could roll with the D-Backs, too. If only for some Justin Upton coming-out-party action. And the Kirk Gibson fistpumps, which are almost back to being novel again.
David Roth: I’m still bitter about the D-Backs going from the Open Ass Boof Squad that got swept by the Mets to a team that’s a win away from the NLCS with the same players.
David Raposa: Did the Mets stick it to Kennedy during that sweep? Or was that the weekend where Jason Bay hit all his HRs for the season?
David Roth: I need to go back and look it up. I just remember Keith Hernandez being kind of disgusted with how bad they were.
David Roth: “They just need to… I mean, look at Ryan Roberts’ neck? What happened to that? He has like a thing on that? He needs to stop that. I’m sorry, he needs to stop whatever’s on his neck.” /45 seconds of silence. “I’m serious about his neck, Gary.”
David Raposa: Keith really took his “Seinfeld” guest-star stint to heart, didn’t he? To be fair to R&R;, he really has nowhere else to go. Unless he wanted some ice-cream cheek.
David Roth: Oh Gucci Mane. That is YOUR FACE, dude. At least when Valverde got a pork roast tattooed on his arm, you knew he was doing it because he loved pork. I like a fat closer, but he just sort of makes me mad, because he’s like a Newt Gingrich kind of fat. That is just all pizza-flavored combos and a bone-deep loathing for cardio. He’s not big-boned or whatever. He is just an anthropomorphized stuffed-crust pizza with really, really good luck and a lot of confidence. Which is great.
David Raposa: Yeah, he’s more Rich Garces than Jonathan Broxton. Except with Brian Wilson’s puckish insouciance.
David Roth: I’ll always salute a guy his size and shape who likes to thrust his pelvis in front of tens of thousands of seething, pissed-off people. I suspect Eddie Money concerts are a lot like that these days.
David Raposa: A male Macarena dancer with a 70 fastball and 30 self-control. I love this game. So who’s your team now? You’re a Phillies guy, right?
David Roth: I will say that Victorino’s lawn-dart/sniper-shot thing from yesterday did make me happy. It was the happiest I’ve been for him since he divorced Kate Gosselin.
David Raposa: Wow, how long have you been sitting on that one, professional comedian Dennis Miller?
David Roth: Long enough that it was starting to get uncomfortable, honestly.
David Raposa writes about music for Pitchfork and other places. He used to write about baseball for the blog formerly known as Yard Work. He occasionally blogs for himself, and he also tweets way too much.
Photo by Keith Allison, via Flickr.