Some Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient
by Virginia C. McGuire
You’ve lost so much weight. You look fantastic!
Thanks for noticing! My doctor says I’m malnourished.
You’re strong and I know you can beat this.
Are you going to be disappointed in me if I die?
I read that kelp/almonds/asparagus have magical anti-cancer properties.
You should definitely eat some, then.
I know what you’re going through.
Your grandfather’s colostomy bag does not make you an expert on my medical situation.
That reminds me of when my dog/cat/gerbil had a tumor on her leg.
I’m sure that was heartbreaking for you.
God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.
OMG, I have/had cancer too! Let’s be best friends.
Please stop weeping on my neck.
I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I really need to.
Get a therapist.
Cancer rates go up the less you exercise.
You’re right. It’s my fault I got cancer.
I am so impressed by how fearless you are.
Actually, I’m scared shitless, but I’ve gotten really good at hiding it.
I’m praying for you.
That kind of grosses me out.
I feel awful, too! I have such bad allergies this time of year.
Everything happens for a reason.
I’m beginning to doubt your intelligence.
I had a friend who died from that same kind of cancer!
Wow, what a coincidence. Fuck you.
Virginia C. McGuire received her first cancer diagnosis when she was ten years old. She has heard everything on this list at least once.