21 Blasters, Ranked In Order Of Apparent Usefulness

by L.V. Anderson

21. Batter Blaster, ready-to-cook pancake and waffle batter

20. 2003’s Blaster computer worm

19. Commie Blaster, a Communist-exposing website

18. Search Engine Blaster, an Internet marketing service

17. Ass Blaster Hot Sauce

16. Star Wars Jango Fett Blaster, a toy weapon

15. Turbo Jam Fat Blaster, a fitness DVD

14. Creative Sound Blaster World of Warcraft Wireless Headset

13. Salad Blaster, a plastic food-storage container

12. Yamaha Blaster, an all-terrain vehicle

11. Transformers Action Master Blaster, an action figure

10. Tigi Rockaholic Rock Out Shine Blaster, hair serum

9. Ghettoblaster, a music and culture magazine

8. Completely Bare Bikini Bump Blaster, medicated pads for the prevention of ingrown hairs

7. Sleep Blaster, an alarm-clock iPhone application

6. Profoot Callus Blaster, a foot-smoothing gel

5. Burglar Blaster, an electronic pepper-spray system

4. Math Blaster, an educational children’s game

3. B’laster Garage Door Lube

2. SpywareBlaster, security software

1. Bug Blaster, an insect-control hose nozzle

L.V. Anderson lives in Brooklyn.