Real America: A Fashion Essentials Guide for the Tea Party Patriot

by Abe Sauer

reagan suited up

A movement that’s rewriting the rules for politics is also rewriting new rules for fashion.

Clothing is an extension of your values, a sartorial statement of who you are as an American. And while you’re shouldering the rebirth of a nation’s glory, why not shoulder a smart-looking blazer in the process?

While Tea Partiers respect, more than anything, the freedom to wear what they like, there are some new essentials for the man looking to “restore honor” to America… and his wardrobe. Below, a selection of the Fall essentials for the Tea Partier dressing for the profession, the polls or the protest.

wolverine boots

Wolverine Boots
These Made In America classics are equally good for stomping through snow drifts from an November Maine Nor’easter in order to cast a vote for Tea Party gubernatorial candidate Paul LePage as they are for stomping liberal guts. Forget Wolverine’s casual offerings and go straight to the work series. What is harder work than restoring honor to America?
Starting at $109

tread on me shirt

Don’t Tread on Me Tee
Barring the unmistakable Gadsden flag symbol, this comfortable Don’t Tread on Me t-shirt is perfect for mornings spent lounging around with a copy of the Wall Street Journal. There is no better version than that offered by the official don’t tread on me outfitters. Gadsden and Culpeper’s America Heritage Shoppe, Ltd. was founded after 9/11 in Albany, NY with the goal “to be America’s Official Don’t Tread on Me Outfitter by providing inspiring historical information, a wide variety of unique quality products and excellent customer service.” Made in the USA, the shirt is 100% cotton because being angry doesn’t have to mean being uncomfortable. [Warning: Don’t accidentally buy the “Don’t Teabag On Me” t-shirt created by liberal homosexual pornography website Wankette.]

vinatge carhartt

Vintage Carhartt
Nothing identifies you as ready to do the work that America needs like Carhartt. American, rugged, durable, reliable, just like your values, Carhartt was clothing the American work ethic before Roosevelt tried to dismantle the free market and it will be clothing it after Obama fails to do the same. But don’t buy your Carhartt new and rigid. Vintage is key. Shop eBay for some worn-in classic silhouettes. Vintage Carhartt jackets will turn any blue shirt and khaki combo into the uniform of a Tea Party Patriot.
Prices vary. Check eBay for latest.

shredded money

Shredded Money
What better way to stand behind the belief that the Obama administration’s socialized overtaking of America is making the nation’s dollar worthless? Stuffed with shredded dollars from the US Federal Reserve, this handsome cigar pen is just as appropriate signing billion-dollar bailout contracts as it is singing foreclosure and Chapter 7 documents. Pair the unique pen with a set of shredded money cufflinks and you’ll be fashionable declaring your feelings on the economy as you move all your holdings into gold.
Pen $15. Cufflinks $50.


Patriot Ale
Powell, Ohio’s Liberty Tavern does not joke about freedom. A copy of the Boston watering hole that fueled the greatest independence movement the world would ever know, Liberty Tavern serves a special brew crafted by Sam Adams: Patriot Ale. And though they’ve got hummus on the menu, you have the freedom to not order it. Instead, try the “Betsy Ross Basket” (golden brown chicken tenders with fries and honey mustard) or the “Liberty Sticks” (funnel cake rods disused with cinnamon and powdered sugar… and freedom). Sorry though, you have to go to Powell for Liberty Tavern’s take on the American Dream.
Entrees start around $14 Monday Special: $4.50 for 23 sweet oz. Flight prices to nearby Columbus, OH vary.

pocket declaration

Pocket Constitution
Including the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and all amendments, even pesky ones like the 14th, this handsome pocket edition of the world’s greatest document measures just 3.5″ by 5″.
Not only will you be armed against the tyranny of a government run amok, your smartly-bound edition will support the work of the Cato Institute, one of the world’s greatest advocates of “individual liberty, free markets and peace.” For globe trotters, it’s also available in Arabic.
$4.95; Arabic: $6.95

uss ronald reagan hat

USS Ronald Reagan Hat
You may not be able to command your own Nimitz-class nuclear-powered supercarrier, but you can remind everyone that one represents your will as an American citizen. In honor of his greatness, Ronald Reagan was the first ever living former President to receive the tribute of having a Naval vessel named after him. And while you may not actually physically serve alongside the sailors of the Reagan, your spirit does. Leave it outside in the rain a few times to give it the look of a hat that’s actually seen military action.

confederate necktie

Anglo-Confederate Society Necktie
From the fine Ben Silver Collection in Charleston, this stately, cardinal red, navy blue and white-starred necktie was worn during the Civil War by British Parliament members to quietly express sympathy for the Southern cause’s war against central government tyranny. What better way to protest the current socialization of American liberties than to pair your work uniform with a little fetching bit of noble history?

usa flag socks

American Flag Socks
We’re all patriots underneath. Some of us are just more patriotic underneath than others. These fine socks float the American standard even if you’re waiting in the customs line at Paris’ Charles de Gaulle. Do you have something to declare? Oui!

ballroom jeans

“Ballroom” Jeans
Nothing says I’m ready for work and relaxing like a pair of Duluth “Ballroom” Jeans. The extra crotch gusset space is perfect for carrying around the huge set of balls required to believe that Obama is a Muslim.
$34.50 / $39.50 tall

palin suit

Ralph Lauren Purple Label Suit
Before Sarah Palin let her husband Todd take the stage to join her on the long journey of restoring honor to America, she got him the proper attire for such an undertaking, buying him three Ralph Lauren Purple Label suits. The Purple Label identifies this Lauren line as the ultimate expression of luxury for the modern gentlemen, no matter how throwback his politics are. While you may have no GOP coffer, you can dress like you do.
Starting around $4,000

You wouldn’t believe what Abe Sauer is wearing.