by Ned Frey
Apparently Dutch film writer/director Tom Six wasn’t content to make only one sick horror flick about multiple people sewn together to share a single digestive tract. A sequel to his 2010 film The Human Centipede is now in the works-this time featuring 12 people joined ass-to-mouth, instead of just three. So he plans to supersize the human centipede! What could be more impressively American than that-especially coming from a Dutch guy?
In a recent interview Six said that The Human Centipede II is likely to be released in early 2011, and that he’s considering making yet another sequel after that. He didn’t reveal any potential concepts for a third film-probably because he hasn’t come up with any yet-but I’ve dreamed up several of my own sequel ideas that I’d be happy to share with him once he’s ready to move forward. Here are the four most promising so far-including my proposed title, a brief plot synopsis, and a few pros and cons for each. (Tom, if you’re interested, call me!)
The Human Velocipede
Synopsis: A mad surgeon stitches three victims together, anus-to-mouth, into a closed loop wrapped around a pedal-equipped axle. He then bolts that axle to antique cycle frame with a small wheel at the back, so that the three conjoined victims form the front wheel of late-Victorian-era “penny farthing” velocipede. The madman then dons old-fashioned attire, including a bowler hat, and rides his creation around in the back yard while tipping his hat to imaginary passers-by and saying things like “Good morning, madam! Good day to you sir! Have you seen my new velocipede? An ingenious invention, is it not?” As he does so, the surgically conjoined trio of victims moan in fear and pain as they are forced, via pedal propulsion, to roll along the ground.
Pros: The mad surgeon’s obsession with 19th Century artifacts would provide opportunities to lend a cool, “steampunked” flavor to the film’s art direction and marketing graphics.
Cons: Because the victims couldn’t eat with all their digestive orifices sewn into a closed loop, the surgeon would have to feed them intravenously — perhaps using a contraption resembling a bicycle pump. This feeding method wouldn’t be nearly revolting enough compared to original film.
The Human Centaur
Synopsis: An evil surgeon sews two people together, ass-to-mouth, and forces them to stand in the pose of a single, horse-shaped creature. He also attaches a horse’s tail to the woman who forms the back half. As she whimpers in horror and fear, the mad surgeon whips the man who forms the front half, forcing him to eat oats and hay. This anguished man, who speaks only Japanese, shouts things like “Masaka! Watashi no wa, hoshikusa o taberu koto ga dekinai! Wa watashi no hoshikusa o taberu koto o kyÅsei shinai!”-which means “No! I cannot eat the hay! Please do not make me eat the hay!”
Pros: Limiting the number of victims to two would save money on actor salaries.
Cons: The title is semi-redundant, because centaurs are already half-human by definition. More accurate titles-such as The 100% Human Centaur-would lack zest.
The Human Millipede
Synopsis: A bus carrying the cast and crew of a touring production of Les Miz breaks down in a remote location. All 51 occupants wander in search of help until they arrive at the home of an evil surgeon, who invites them inside. There, they are knocked unconscious with gas and stitched together to form a creature as long as it is horrifying-with 50 mouths sewn to 50 anuses! The mad surgeon then forces his conjoined victims to do a crawling conga dance in a long, snaking course around his house and yard, while he cackles maniacally and plays Harry Belafonte music.
Pros: 51 victims instead of three equals 17 times the horror!
Cons: Getting 51 actors to act believably terrified, simultaneously, would be a challenge. Inevitably, one or two would probably giggle or look bored, undermining the film’s verisimilitude.
The Centipede Human
Synopsis: An evil scientist captures thousands of centipedes and sews them together into a huge, human-shaped mass. He then dresses this creation in clothes and trains it to walk around and scare people.
Pros: None come to mind. This is actually a terrible idea for a movie, now that I think about it.
Cons: See above.
Ned Frey is a corporate writer who also pens stuff for blogs sometimes, often under the name “MisterHippity.”