by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins
Here are GQ’s Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post’s Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain our Muslim President’s hot gay affair with wee yet hot Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, through the joys of the White House’s Flickr feed!
Jason: Oh, wow! You realize she’s back in Michelle Obama’s Kiss And Cry Room! (Previously, on Michelle Obama’s Kiss And Cry Room.)
Ana: It actually looks like it may be a very special White House edition of What Not To Wear.
President Obama presides over the world’s most boring game of Simon Says.
Obama’s like: “You know, in my situation room, we have these wall sized iPads. But we can make due with these corkboards, I guess.”
Ana: Poor Mayor of Gulfport, the only guy who wore a tie. I can’t help but notice in the luncheon picture that someone did not even touch their hushpuppies.
Jason: It looks like every meal I have ever had on the Outer Banks, minus the joy (and the bourbon).
Ana: Blurry GOP, sad Obama. That’s pretty much the narrative for 2012.
Jason: You just did Chuck Todd’s work for him.
Ana: Put me on MEET THE PRESS, dammit!
Jason: God, I’d actually look forward to that show, if you were on it.
Orange Beach, Alabama’s Tacky Jacks preps for its first “Wet POTUS contest!”
Jason: I despair of the way this White House Flickr page is organized! That Mike McFaul thing we already did is still on the front page!
Ana: YES. Though there is Reverend Falwell!
Jason: I think you mean Billy Graham, though it’s an easy mistake to make.
Ana: Yes. Who is now so liver-spotted that he is also biracial.
Jason: Okay, well, now we’ve captioned that photo, haven’t we?
And now, this month in “Obama pensively listening to the world fall apart around him in the Situation Room.”
Next: Garth Brooks???
Ana: This looks like Obama is trying to help Garth Brooks through an episode of senile dementia.
Jason: That award, by the way, is a “Grammy On The Hill.” For those of you who thought you couldn’t degrade the brand name of Grammy any further.
Ana: I love how the caption just HAS TO remind everyone that Obama won a Grammy for best spoken word album.
Jason: Congratulations to the zero other nominees!
Ana: Here’s Medvedev TOTALLY UNDRESSING OBAMA WITH HIS EYES.
Jason: Who’s roofie-ing who here? I guess in terms of the Russian power alignment, Medvedev comes pre-roofied.
Ana: I can’t tell if he wants to kill Obama or fuck him.
Jason: Speed-dating session? Or awesome Stratego tournament?
Ana: Poor Mullen — his speed dating guy is ON HIS CELL. [Insert a repeal of DADT joke here]
Jason: Looks like one couple went home happy.
Jason: I’m talking, of course, about photographer Pete Souza and that mirror!
Ana: Even nicer!
Ana: I don’t think there are enough gays in Prague. Or at least they’re not in the right lines of work. I mean, that bouquet????
Jason: I think this, from this picture’s comment thread, is even funnier than the picture: “You can almost picture people waiting inside the plane and stepping out the door.” YES, I GUESS YOU COULD “ALMOST” DO THAT!
Ana: Or you could look at some other pictures, unless that is actually beyond you.
Ana: I HATE IT WHEN THEY PUT OLD PHOTOS IN THE STREAM
Jason: Oh, yeah! That’s from December! But nuke-treaty is newsy.
Ana: There are a lot of old photos of Obama ON THE PHONE too. Because…?
Jason: He has a great long distance plan?
Ana: Like: “Here he was working on the treaty over the phone in December!” And: “Here he was working on the treaty over the phone in July!”
Jason: He really tried, Fred Hiatt! To work on more than one issue at a time!
Ana: “Here’s a picture of him on the phone working on the treaty in January! Oh wait, that was just a pizza order. WHO LABELED THESE????”
Jason: But, look, if I were in the White House Press Corps, this is the sort of thing I’d bring up about the way the White House manages their image. Of course, that assumes that anyone besides you and me and the Awl readership actually examines this Flickr account with any degree of discernment. But, you know! BE LESS STUPID! Also: HOW TO COOK SOME FUCKING MEAT.
Ana: HOW TO COOK SOME FUCKING PHOTOS.
Ana: Cute couple.
Ana: “After dining with their wives” who they then excused so they could go cornholing in the bushes.
Jason: Russia has come a long way if they are giving Souza the same permission to just run around on the grounds of Medvedev’s dacha, hiding in the bushes and stuff. You want to know one way in which it’s better to be Dimitry Medvedev than it is to be Obama? That this picture suggests?
Ana: Besides being able to fit into Russian cars?
Jason: Oh, too true. But also: Medvedev can basically smoke any fucking place he wants to.
Ana: Obama could probably as well, technically. Like, what good is it being President if you can’t smoke? “Let me get this straight: I can BLOW UP THE WORLD, but not ash on the White House grounds?”
Jason: Well, let me put it this way: Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi wouldn’t have considered it a scoop if the eXile had totally blown the doors off the secret smoking glades of the Russian political elites. But if Chip Reid can unravel that mystery, LOOK OUT!
This looks disturbingly post-coital.
Obama signs papers allowing a select group of brown people permission to travel through Arizona. “This is probably going to become a thing,” he said.