Hollywood Release Schedule Now Predicting Future Headlines

by Abe Sauer

I dunno, some chick? Why are you asking me?

Tom Cruise perfected the practice back in 2006 when he suddenly fell in love and got married just as his film, Mission Impossible 3, about a spy who falls in love and gets married, hit screens. Now, Russian spies are captured and deported just weeks before the release of Aneglina Jolie’s film Salt, about a Russian spy. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson goes off the rails just a month or so before the release of his film, The Beaver, about a guy going off the rails.

It’s the new movie promotion paradigm, viral marketing by way of connecting a film’s plot with out of the blue, completely unexpected real-world events. So what does the upcoming slate of films tell us about future newspaper headlines?

Film: Eat Pray Love; Aug 13
Headline: Exotic Cruise for Recent Divorcees Hijacked in South China Sea

Film: The Switch; Aug 20
Headline: Insurance Companies Phase Out Coverage of Artificial Insemination

Film: Nanny McPhee Returns; Aug 20
Headline: Louise Woodward Arrested in England Over Coma Baby: Accused of “Popping” Another Baby on the Bed

Film: The American; Sept 1
Headline: George Clooney to Become Italian Citizen

Film: Machete; Sept 3
Headline: Drug Cartel Hit Man Kills Two Border Agents With Sword; Remains at Large

Film: Wall Street 2; Sept 24
Headline: BREAKING: Obama Vetoes Financial Reform Bill.

Film: The Social Network; Oct 1
Headline: Facebook Down for Fourth Straight Day, Engineers Suspect Virus

Film: RED; Nov 19
Headline: CIA Pension Scandal Deeper Than Expected

Film: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; Nov 19
Headline: Emma Watson Sex Tape is Real!

Film: Burlesque; Nov 24
Headline: Cher: “Yes, I’m a Lesbian”

Abe Sauer can see the future.