First they came for the sodas—wait, actually, first they came for the black people. But after the City mounted a sophisticated campaign to harass and subjugate basically all non-white people, up to and including Forest Whitaker, then they came for the sodas.
Now, the New York City council is going to vote to forbid the possession of awls by minors and young adults of voting age. We are not even joking, somehow.
Peter Vallone, Jr., is the sponsor of this piece of legislation, which we think appears before the full City Council today at 1:30 p.m. (We say "we think" because the City Council published [...]
Look what these nice people are doing in this video: They're rescuing caged cats left outside at a foreclosed property in the desert north of Los Angeles.
Scumbag thieves in the economically ruined expanse of the Mojave Desert busted into this non-profit's storage buildingtwice over the weekend, stealing more than $10,000 worth of donated food and supplies intended for homeless pets and people. The criminals stole food, veterinary supplies and donated clothes, apparently loading the goods onto a backhoe tractor—but the tractor had flat tires, so much of the loot was dumped on a neighboring property.
Press release of the day: "A Purr-fect Fit: CeeLo Green And Purrfect The Cat Remix Meow Mix® Cat Food Jingle: CeeLo Green, Recording Artist and Mentor on NBC's Hit Show "The Voice," Heads to the Studio with Purrfect the Cat to Put a New Spin on One of America's Most Memorable Jingles." OH GOD IT'S LIVE AND IT'S HORRIFYING.
4D Man is in fact a male between 15 and 40 who is “confident, individual and has varied interests and passions.” A Bauer spokesperson told Media Week that 4D man is “not as tribal as his predecessors, the metrosexual and the lad, where you either were one or you weren’t.” He is also “increasingly interested in culture and is more health-conscious."
Well bowl me over. This regards the launch of a men's magazine. Called Gaz7etta. (I think that's how you spell Portßolio in Italian?) A few things! 1. "Between 15 and 40"? I don't buy your demographic coinage if it encompasses half of adulthood. And spreads [...]
The heroic Iranian monkey who supposedly rode a rocket into space last week returned to Earth with strange new powers. For instance, the monkey's distinctive face mole was completely gone when the creature was photographed by government officials upon landing. The creature's white-blonde hair had changed to brunette, too, much like the hair of Moses changed from black to white after he spotted the Hebrew God cowering under a bush. What other mutant powers could the Persian primate have developed while exposed to dangerous gamma rays or whatever, in orbit?
"A candlelight vigil is planned to remember the life of a bull elk that was shot and killed by an on-duty Boulder police officer who has since been placed on administrative leave." —Apparently it's no longer okay for cops to murder an elk that was peacefully hanging around.
"While many Portlanders still pluck aging birds for the broiler, others seek a blissful, pastoral end for them. Because most chickens lay the majority of eggs early in life, and can live about 10 years, the quest for a place where chickens can live out their sunset years has brought a boom at least two farm animal sanctuaries." —PORTLAND!
I was looking forward to learning about Why Roger Ailes Hates America as per the title of this Esquire profile but unfortunately the answer was not forthcoming, or perhaps a few thousand words of bizarre overwrought writerly tics prevented me from finding out.
When last we checked in on the dead maybe-murdered maybe-gay Gareth Williams MI6 spy story—back in September!—we were learning about how he may have locked himself allegedly into his own sports bag? Now, at Christmas-time, no less, we are learning a few things! For one, an investigator believes "that someone else had been involved in putting Williams into the bag." Well good, the laws of physics remain unchallenged! A few other things? Bondage website browser history, for one. "Detectives also found a £15,000 collection of unworn women's designer clothing, including tops, dresses and shoes, in his wardrobe." (Collection includes Louboutin! Also, he was (secretly) a fashion design [...]
I mean, did they invent some new kind of "meta" and not tell me about it? Anti-meta? So confused!
Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. has never smashed a Whac-A-Mole game in a drunken fit. He has never invoked Freedom of Information laws to find out a female federal employee’s work schedule. And to the best of anyone’s knowledge, he has never washed his car in the White House driveway.
But to readers of The Onion, the satirical newspaper and Web site, the vice president has done all of those things, plus bounce a check for $39.50 to a liquor store and star in advertisements for Hennessy [...]
"Suggestions that aliens from Sirius had imparted astronomical knowledge to the Dogon, created a modern myth and raised the tribe to cult status among UFO/ancient astronaut enthusiasts. Also, whites who rejected the African origins of mankind, could now claim their ancestors were from Sirius! As I have opined previously in this column, the whole Dogon business is hokum-perpetrated, perhaps, to help sustain the market for esoteric genre of books and film." —J.K. Obatala of Nigeria's The Guardian addresses the modernmythology of Mali's amazingDogon people and their supposed ties to a race of fish-headed space monsters from a planetary system around Sirius B.
Europe is back in recession, there's some kind of fiscal cliff people are worried about, and WalMart reported dismal earnings today as poor people continue to not have money. But on the elite urban coasts, things are looking pretty good! California real estate prices jumped 19% last month, and New Yorkers are back to their main form of recreation, which is gasping in aspirational horror over the cost of apartments. The time is right for a new kind of architecture—an architecture that is not so much "architecture" as it is "a mix of interior design pieces and pet costumes," an architecture not so much [...]
"NYPD statistics show 292 biking accidents occurred in the city in the first seven months of this year—65 in Central Park alone," says today's Daily News shocking cover story. Did you know that bicyclists are literally exceeding the speed limit in Central Park by 4 and 5 miles per hour???
That's 41 bike accidents a month in New York City! Gosh, and to think, only 293 bicyclists are run down by cars each month in the City! Only 148,571 cars are involved in accidents in New York City each year, killing 270 people a year! And only 24,673 pedestrians are injured by cars in the City a year. [...]
I don't even know. "In celebration of selling its millionth Butterbeer inside The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Universal Orlando Resort shared 1,000 complimentary Butterbeers with guests on the streets of Hogsmeade." Yes, really!