Posts Tagged: WTF
22

Why Won't Anybody Say That "Noah" Is Terrible?

Noah is getting the strangest good reviews. "I’m not sure who exactly this often grimly rapturous movie was made for, but I find myself surprisingly glad that it was made," wrote Richard Lawson in Vanity Fair. A.O. Scott went with: "Mr. Aronofsky’s earnest, uneven, intermittently powerful film, is both a psychological case study and a parable of hubris and humility. At its best, it shares some its namesake’s ferocious conviction, and not a little of his madness."

These are all incredibly charitable. This is not a good movie. I wanted to bite off my fingers. From the opening sequence, which explains the silly state of the world and [...]

5

Have You Read This Messed-Up Lionel Shriver Story Yet???

It doesn't look like anyone's really noticed this Lionel Shriver story in this week's New Yorker yet. (I hadn't, until a friend pointed it out to me last night in an email. (Body: "IT IS FUCKED UP."))

It is behind the subscriber-wall, and most people don't get to their "paper" issues till the weekend, after all, and also people tend to talk about fact more than fiction in the New Yorker. But… well, her story is pretty brutal, as you would expect from the author of We Need to Talk About Kevin, but and then? Well we must spoil it to talk about it. So. We will give [...]

1

Eliot Spitzer's Petition Kids Are Really Weird Or Maybe Think They're In A Jason Bourne Movie?

Haha, the poor kids collecting signatures for Eliot Spitzer are total weirdo drama queens! This story!

14

Incoming Men's Fashion Trend Disaster: "The Single-Pleated Chino"

Here is the new thing they are trying to foist on men, as per the June/July issue of Details: "chinos" with one single pleat. Not zero pleats; not pleats on both sides of your forward-facing business. Oh no. Just one asymmetrical pleat, in an otherwise equally ill-fitting and rather awkward pair of summer pants. This is upsetting on a number of levels: capitalist, aesthetic, moral, social, sexual, emotional.

And from where do they get these uniform-faced whites who are so willing to debase themselves as single-pleat models? It's sad.

None of this is okay.

Update: OH THANK GOD, this really is a hoax… of the eyeballs at least. After [...]

5

Regarding The War In Mali: Are Mali's Dogon People Really Aliens From Sirius?

"Suggestions that aliens from Sirius had imparted astronomical knowledge to the Dogon, created a modern myth and raised the tribe to cult status among UFO/ancient astronaut enthusiasts. Also, whites who rejected the African origins of mankind, could now claim their ancestors were from Sirius! As I have opined previously in this column, the whole Dogon business is hokum-perpetrated, perhaps, to help sustain the market for esoteric genre of books and film." —J.K. Obatala of Nigeria's The Guardian addresses the modern mythology of Mali's amazing Dogon people and their supposed ties to a race of fish-headed space monsters from a planetary system around Sirius B.

11

"Architecture For Dogs" Latest Evidence of Economic Recovery

Europe is back in recession, there's some kind of fiscal cliff people are worried about, and WalMart reported dismal earnings today as poor people continue to not have money. But on the elite urban coasts, things are looking pretty good! California real estate prices jumped 19% last month, and New Yorkers are back to their main form of recreation, which is gasping in aspirational horror over the cost of apartments. The time is right for a new kind of architecture—an architecture that is not so much "architecture" as it is "a mix of interior design pieces and pet costumes," an architecture not so much [...]

25

Bicycles Are Obviously New York City's Number One Menace!

"NYPD statistics show 292 biking accidents occurred in the city in the first seven months of this year—65 in Central Park alone," says today's Daily News shocking cover story. Did you know that bicyclists are literally exceeding the speed limit in Central Park by 4 and 5 miles per hour???

That's 41 bike accidents a month in New York City! Gosh, and to think, only 293 bicyclists are run down by cars each month in the City! Only 148,571 cars are involved in accidents in New York City each year, killing 270 people a year! And only 24,673 pedestrians are injured by cars in the City a year. [...]

2

Martha Stewart Is Five Years Older Than Liza Minnelli

Yesterday morning, Business Insider promised the "full story" on that weird Martha Stewart ad for cough drops that aired during the Golden Globes. Including this, from the cough drop company's owner: "'We reached out to Martha via her agent at CAA, after our first actress had a nervous breakdown the morning of the shoot,' he said."

As with all over-promising headlines, that one did not deliver, but, Page Six to the rescue. Liza Minnelli was originally signed to do the Pine Brothers Softish Throat Drops ad that aired during the Golden Globes featuring Martha Stewart — but she canceled on the day of the shoot after dishing [...]

2

Bronx Fixed

Gross. RT @jyarow: New public golf course in the Bronx has city views from every hole. It opens in 2015. pic.twitter.com/ayPGsPEIyZ

— Kofi Appiah Biney (@kofiabiney) October 16, 2013

The Bronx is back! Under the roar of the 678 going across the Whitestone bridge, and at a cost to the city of $97 million, Trump Golf Links is nearly here. Yes, after the city's hundred-million investment, they handed it over in a 20-year deal to Trump, who'll dump some borrowed money into it to build a clubhouse. The city will allegedly make $10 million on the investment over the next two decades. Now I [...]

5

"Nobody racially profiles." —Mike Bloomberg

"There is this business, there's one newspaper and one news service, they just keep saying, 'Oh it's a disproportionate percentage of a particular ethnic group. That may be, but it's not a disproportionate percentage of those who witnesses and victims describe as committing the murder. In that case, incidentally, I think we disproportionately stop whites too much and minorities too little." —This is in response to the City Council not doing his bidding this week. So yes. Mike Bloomberg is OUT OF HIS MIND.

41

New York City to Ban Awls

First they came for the sodas—wait, actually, first they came for the black people. But after the City mounted a sophisticated campaign to harass and subjugate basically all non-white people, up to and including Forest Whitaker, then they came for the sodas.

Now, the New York City council is going to vote to forbid the possession of awls by minors and young adults of voting age. We are not even joking, somehow.

Peter Vallone, Jr., is the sponsor of this piece of legislation, which we think appears before the full City Council today at 1:30 p.m. (We say "we think" because the City Council published [...]

2

World's Meanest Thieves Strike Charity That Feeds Homeless Pets, Twice

Look what these nice people are doing in this video: They're rescuing caged cats left outside at a foreclosed property in the desert north of Los Angeles.

Scumbag thieves in the economically ruined expanse of the Mojave Desert busted into this non-profit's storage building twice over the weekend, stealing more than $10,000 worth of donated food and supplies intended for homeless pets and people. The criminals stole food, veterinary supplies and donated clothes, apparently loading the goods onto a backhoe tractor—but the tractor had flat tires, so much of the loot was dumped on a neighboring property.

7

The Internet Is TOAST

No, literally, the Internet is over. Average packet loss today in North America? 32%.

10

Brand New CeeLo Track! The… Meow Mix Theme Song Remix

Press release of the day: "A Purr-fect Fit: CeeLo Green And Purrfect The Cat Remix Meow Mix® Cat Food Jingle: CeeLo Green, Recording Artist and Mentor on NBC's Hit Show "The Voice," Heads to the Studio with Purrfect the Cat to Put a New Spin on One of America's Most Memorable Jingles." OH GOD IT'S LIVE AND IT'S HORRIFYING.

0

Weather Crazy

If you were awake at 5 a.m. because, say, you were caught in the great airline horrors of the snow times followed by the JFK Delta plane skidding off the runway times, which closed down that airport and sent a ripple effect of delays and cancellations across the country, you would have seen the bizarre sight of New York City gripped in a low-lying fog. It was rather twinkly and luxurious actually! Or if you are awake now, this morning, perhaps you have seen the nutzo downpour, with the tornado-green sky over Manhattan and the deep grey over Brooklyn, trash and bottles flying and umbrellas breaking everywhere. But it gets [...]

8

Feminist: Why Are All These Women So Whorey?

"Nevertheless, the female thrill seekers are as bewildering in their own way as the sleazy would-be mayor of New York is in his. Why is he called a pervert while Sydney Leathers’s statement that their Internet contact progressed to phone sex twice a week — 'a fantasy thing for both of us,' she told one tabloid TV show — is greeted with neutral, if not exactly respectful, attention? Some fantasy. Cinderella, where are you now that we need you? [...] Virtual sex is to sex as virtual food is to food: you can’t taste, touch or smell it, and you don’t have to do any preparation or work. Sex [...]

16

Country Fucked

• "We don't know a lot about how the government spies on us, but we know some things. We know the FBI has issued tens of thousands of ultra-secret National Security Letters to collect all sorts of data on people—we believe on millions of people—and has been abusing them to spy on cloud-computer users. We know it can collect a wide array of personal data from the Internet without a warrant. We also know that the FBI has been intercepting cell-phone data, all but voice content, for the past 20 years without a warrant, and can use the microphone on some powered-off cell phones as a room bug—presumably only with [...]

11

Iran's Space Monkey Returned To Earth As Different Monkey

The heroic Iranian monkey who supposedly rode a rocket into space last week returned to Earth with strange new powers. For instance, the monkey's distinctive face mole was completely gone when the creature was photographed by government officials upon landing. The creature's white-blonde hair had changed to brunette, too, much like the hair of Moses changed from black to white after he spotted the Hebrew God cowering under a bush. What other mutant powers could the Persian primate have developed while exposed to dangerous gamma rays or whatever, in orbit?

The Times of London doubts the superhero animal's mysterious changes occurred in space. Could the sneaky Iranians have [...]

2

Candlelight Vigil Planned For Innocent Bull Elk Murdered By Cops

"A candlelight vigil is planned to remember the life of a bull elk that was shot and killed by an on-duty Boulder police officer who has since been placed on administrative leave." —Apparently it's no longer okay for cops to murder an elk that was peacefully hanging around.

17

It's Like Romney and Ryan Are Trying to Make People Hate Them?

Closeted gay man terrified his wife will discover his secret: youtu.be/Oye4rhUa2Fk

— BarryDeutsch (@barrydeutsch) September 6, 2012