Posts Tagged: Whatever

Moon Wants Attention

"[A]ccording to NASA, a highly unusual 'Tetrad' – four successive total 'blood-red' lunar eclipses each followed by six full moons – will, indeed, start next Tuesday and finish on September 28 2015. The incredible alignment has only happened a handful of times in the last two thousand years but, remarkably, on each of the last three occasions it has coincided with a globally significant religious event."


The End of Privacy: Address Books with Friends

So all the apps that take and upload and store your address books (which is a lot of them!) are making changes to their apps! By… sort of vaguely notifying you that they are doing so. So… not by not doing that. For instance, Twitter: "In place of 'Scan your contacts,' we will use 'Upload your contacts' and 'Import your contacts.'" Ha! Good one. Because "upload" really means "we're going to store every phone number and address and name of everyone in your phone for 18 months." WELL? Once people started digitally "signing" that endless user agreement in iTunes without clicking through all 36 or 42 pages [...]


Yay! We're Going to Stop Spending Money on Defense and Give it to the Schools!

That is what's going to happen, right, when we don't pass the defense reauthorization bill, because of the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal rider on it, yes? Susan Collins, Republican of Maine, "who backs repeal of the policy, said she would nonetheless vote against moving forward with debate because of a dispute with the Senate majority leader, Harry Reid of Nevada, over whether Republicans would be allowed to offer amendments to the bill." So, you know, LOL, good to know, they are not going to take these gays and (legal, and not government-funded!) abortions and having the Mexicans in our Army, so there are not 60 [...]


Agency Of Toothless Incompetents Watched Country, Porn Stars Get Screwed Simultaneously

"As the country was sinking into its worst financial crisis in more than 70 years, Security and Exchange Commission employees and contractors cruised porn sites and viewed sexually explicit pictures using government computers, according to an agency report obtained by CNN." I'm not sure what everyone is so upset about here: These were bored office workers! What else were they supposed to do? Regulate? Investigate obvious cases of fraud and other financial chicanery? These guys already had one arm tied behind their back; I applaud them for at least using the other one to jerk off with.


Water-Milk Last Beverage Option for Socialist America's Malnourished Tweens

After Congress comes back from its Hot Spring Break or whatever, the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010 [PDF!] is out of committee and awaiting arguing and posturing and maybe voting. It'll expand food programs for low-income children pretty radically, from what we can tell. Which is great! On the other hand, some kids have too much food, or something, and they are storing it in their bodies, so the bill will, in its Food Death Panels section, take food away from them in the form of giving them food that is barely food. Also the bill would cause schools to maybe stop feeding children millions of pounds in [...]


So This Week Is Gonna Be Like This, Eh?

From the inbox: "Media Advisory: Top 125 Dogs in Pop Culture Unveiled. INFORMATION CONTAINED HEREIN EMBARGOED UNTIL DEC. 22 AT 11AM. The American Kennel Club (AKC) and AOL will announce the results of the nationwide poll that determined the 125 most iconic dogs in American pop culture on Tuesday, December 22nd from 11:00 AM – 12:00 PM at the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum. PHOTO OP: Beagles representing Snoopy – with one dressed as the Red Barron – and Underdog; a Collie representing Lassie and Texas A&M mascot Reveille (wearing a doggie jersey); Bulldogs representing University of Georgia's UGA and Georgetown's Jack the Bulldog (also wearing doggie jerseys) [...]


His aura smiles and never frowns.

"Even though I am California's 'top cop,' 2 of my tires were stolen. No matter. I got 2 new ones and I'm rolling again!" What's less surprising to you: that Jerry Brown drives a hybrid or that he's on Facebook?


"Polls" Describe Candidates as "Deadlocked"

It's the post-primary, pre-convention part of the election cycle, where a poll "can find" that Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are in a DEAD HEAT for the presidency of the United States! Flap your hands in a panic, Mittens could be the president! Everyone panic! Just kidding, Romney will lose quite handily, let's just flash-forward 119 days.


"O" Book Written by Man

Well that didn't take too long: Mark Salter has been "officially" fingered as the author of O, the fictionalized, non-sadomasochistic work of fiction about the president, written by someone described by the publisher as someone who "has been in the room with Barack Obama." You remember Mark Salter as the man who writes everything for John McCain. Oh I see. Political ops. The book has been in print for two days. "Trite, implausible and decidedly unfunny," says the New York Times!


Mini-Footnotes of Mad Men: "The Last Alpha Male"

According to their press release, Jon Hamm is on the cover of the October Details: "After years of struggling, Jon Hamm finally arrived with Mad Men, creating a style icon who's come to help us rediscover our lost masculine cool. He is…THE LAST ALPHA MALE." Haha, okay! The last, you say! Bonus fun profile sentence: "Hamm's high-school girlfriend's older brother's college roommate was an eager actor named Paul Rudd." And a spoiler alert: worst so-obviously editor-inserted last sentence of a magazine profile ever. Should have been headlined Jon Hamm Has A Sad.


But ASDljkdfasdf; COULD Make Other Volcanoes Happen, Says Someone

EVEN THOUGH other volcanoes besides Iceland's Asdlfjasdfasdf; aren't blowing up, it doesn't mean they couldn't, report scientists, newspapers hungry for filler.


Famous Person Has Press Conference on TV

This morning, a famous person held a press conference, in which he talked about himself. He said, while speaking about himself, that he'd been selfish.


Gays In Suits Dulling Down Gay Agenda, Gayness

The new faces of the gay movement: a bunch of lobbyists and Lance Bass, surrounded by dogs and Facebook friends, all of whom want to get married to each other, in a homosexually-based interspecies lustful grab-bag key party. But discreetly. Also screenwriter, careerist snob and accidental porn star/victim Dustin Lance Black: "Listen, a lot of people my generation or younger don't care because we're just dating. We're not settling down."


Local Gay Gay

Sure thing, boss. And everyone who's ever asked Anderson Cooper straight up if he was gay and then taken flack for not being able to print it lifts a hearty gay middle finger! Eh, whatever, no hard feelings, God bless, let's all slide down the firepole in our converted firehouses together.


'New York Observer' Loses Straight Man, Gains Woman and Gay

New York Observer revolving door update, for the two people playing along at home: This week alone, one straight man out—but one woman and one gay hired! Don't everyone get all excited at once. Back to your desks!


Financial Reform Bill: Eh, Don't Worry About It!

Do you not understand the Senate Financial Regulation Overhaul bill that passed yesterday? Have you been struggling to make sense of it in this morning's papers and blogs? We come with good tidings: don't bother! We now enter the long, boring process of reconciliation of the passed Senate bill with the House bill, that passed some six months ago now. There's a rather dull chart that highlights some of the major differences between the two, but you know what? You don't even have to worry about that. The mutated offspring that will emerge all bloody and feet-first will probably be a totally different kettle of fish. (… Sorry [...]


Bill Thompson To Replenish His Busted Coffers

Oh, remember that guy, who was almost mayor of New York City, and maybe would be if you'd turned out to vote? He had to go and get a job.


Ladies: Your Ass Looks Big In This Relationship

Listen up, all you broads who are worried about your figure: Some study says that living with a man will make you catch fat. You'll gain even more weight if you have his babies, but just by virtue of sharing space with him you're going to pack on the pounds. Still, with research showing that even spinsters who no man could love manage to put on a ten-spot weightwise, is it really fair to blame men for the inevitable enlargening of the fairer sex? Yeah, why not? They pretty much ruin everything else, might as well put this one on their tab too.


Goldman Sachs Gives 210K MA Households $238

Amazing news! Goldman Sachs just settled with the state of Massachusetts, on the claim that Goldman helped create the subprime housing crisis. So, you know, if there are 210,000 Massachusetts mortgages underwater, which the AP said in March, and Goldman Sachs just gave Mass. homeowners $50,000,00… math says that is a whopping $238.09 per household! That is like the lowest amount of food stamps you can qualify for a month.