Underparenting: Words! @12:05 PM
"Fuck!" the kid said, from the back seat of the car. They pick these things up from everywhere, the two-and-a-half-year-old children do. The child is like a runaway threshing machine rattling across the landscape of language, ingesting and scattering everything in its path: grain, chaff, string beans, feed buckets, chopped-up bits of mailboxes. How much of what your child says is understandable? the developmental survey form asks. You mean articulate? Or comprehensible? "The greens are taking care of the eights," he says. Or: "Welcome to Metro." Or: "I want a toaster in my ear." READ MORE 20
Underparenting, with Tom Scocca: The Misplaced Child @1:30 PM
There was a loud but muffled scream, and when I looked up, the kid was gone.
It wasn't that scary for me; I did know where he was, more or less. But this was what I was leaving my wife with, on the other end of the phone:
[Child's screaming.]
Fuck! Shit. Uh, I gotta call you back—
[Screaming continues in background.]
[Call disconnects.]
I was standing by the elevator bank, all by myself. The screaming was coming from the other side of a closed elevator door. READ MORE 20
Despite All His Rage, Billy Corgan Still Just Doesn't Make A Lick Of Sense @2:04 PM
Pitchfork points to a doozy of a post Smashing Pumpkins leader Billy Corgan put up on his paranoid spiritualist website, Everything From Here To There. He is coming out as one among those who The Awl's Tom Scocca eloquently refers to as "degenerate idiots who deserve to get polio and live out their days in iron lungs while Child Protective Services takes away their children to be properly raised." Corgan writes: "I for one will not be taking the vaccine. I do not trust those who make the vaccines, or the apperatus behind it all to push it on us thru fear. This is not judgment; it is a personal decision based on research, intuition, conversations with my doctor and my 'family'. If the virus comes to take me Home, that is between me and the Lord."
Apparently, many New Yorkers aren't going for the vaccine either. Though probably not because they've read Corgan's thoughts on the subject. 43
Underparenting, with Tom Scocca: No H1N1 Vaccine For You, Kiddo @10:30 AM
"Keep calling back," the receptionist at the pediatrician's office said, ringing off. They were out of H1N1 flu vaccine, she had told me, and they didn't know when the next batch might be coming. So keep calling.
I would rather not keep calling. That was my third or fourth or fifth inquiry about the swine-flu vaccine, by phone or in person at the office while getting other shots for the kid. This is not because I am a hysterical parent, unable to bear the thought of my child going without medical intervention. I do not snap awake at three in the morning with flu panic, worrying that some filthy stranger may cough around my precious offspring before he has been properly immunized, cursing the government for not coming up with vaccine fast enough, scheming to intercept the life-saving product before it goes to someone else's child. (Let the other child die.) READ MORE 24
How Awesome Would It Be to Have The RZA as Your Dad? @1:13 PM
Self-professed recovering video-game addict the RZA (a.k.a. Prince Rakeem, The Abbot, Bobby Digital, Bobby Steels, the RZArector, Ruler Zig-zag-zig Allah, etc.) tells his sons, "If it was up to me… You wanna make me happy? Four hours of video games a day is enough." 3
The Terror of Butt Elmo and Butt Pooh @10:00 AM
The Awl's Tom Scocca takes Underparenting to a new level: "Diapers are for catching urine and feces. They represent neither entertainment nor education…. Butt Elmo, by contrast, represents a world in which it's not merely branding that's out of control but cross-branding. Every space is a promotional opportunity for something else." 10
Underparenting with Tom Scocca: Stroller-Bullying on the Red Line @11:58 AM
It was a mistake to get on the Metro train with the kid riding on my shoulders. I should have taken him down and buckled him into the stroller out on the platform, even if it meant missing the train. But I had taken the wrong branch on the decision-making tree, and there I was, standing up in a packed train car at evening rush hour, with one hand on the kid's ankle to hold him in place, and another hand on the overhead handrail, which meant there was no hand remaining to put on the stroller handle as the train jerked into motion and the clumsily half-set foot brake came off, sending the stroller wobbling away from us, bumping through the crowd. Sorry, excuse me, sorry! READ MORE 10
The "Family Bed" @4:56 PM
The beeping came on as the backdrop to a predawn dream—beep-beep-beep—and then, mhmm, is that the alarm clock?—beep-beep-beep—but too faint, unless we'd dropped our alarm clock under the bed and then dropped a comforter over it—beep-beep-beep—so it was maybe the bus, outside, idling, somehow generating a high-frequency overtone to the rumbling—beep-beep-beep-beep—or was it hrmm just the pulse in my ears—tinnitus, the blood surge—beep-beep-beep—hmrff NO, it was definitely, somewhere, an ALARM CLOCK, but— READ MORE 14
Underparenting: The Birthday Party, And Its Preparations @5:06 PM
Why was it that I baked the brownies from scratch? Well, first of all, there needed to be brownies. It's the kid's birthday, the actual birthday as opposed to the day we had the birthday party, and we were given to understand—in the way such understandings are given—that some parents like to send in treats for the preschool class on the birthday, to contribute to the birthday observances. Such things are done. READ MORE 23
Underparenting: The Safety Seat Is Ruining American Family Life In Your Metal Death Box @3:00 PM
When I got back from the men's room, the kid was out of his car seat. We were at a rest stop somewhere between Chapel Hill and Richmond, a quick break before driving on till lunchtime. It was raining, so my wife and I were taking turns staying in the car while the other person ducked inside.
He didn't need to use the restroom (another reason not to be hasty about potty training), but the slowing and stopping of the car had woken him up. So my wife had popped him out of the harness, and he was clambering happily around the back seat with her. I took her place in the back, and the boy started climbing over the console and pointing to the dashboard. He wanted to see the driver's seat. READ MORE 14
Underparenting: When Your Child Produces Dark, Foul, Adult-Style Excrement @11:15 AM
About 20 minutes into his nap, the kid started crying. Naptime is usually pretty easy. This business about how little kids don't understand they're tired was always mysterious to me. My parents told me that when I was a toddler, I alarmed them by vanishing, having wandered off all on my own to sack out somewhere quiet with a pillow. Much to my pride and relief, the kid is the same way—if I don't put him down for a nap, he'll climb into bed on his own or flop down on the floor with a blanket. When you're tired, you sleep. What's so hard to understand? READ MORE 8
How To Treat The Screaming Magenta Two-Year-Old @3:48 PM
The kid is in the playpen, also known as the crib, where I dumped him. The playpen is also known, officially, as a "playard," sales-portmenteau-style for "play yard," because somewhere between the time I was wearing diapers and the time I started changing diapers, "pen" and its overtones were dumped as being retrograde. Who would pen a precious child?
I guess I just did, and not (while we're unpacking the assumptions behind the Graco Pack N Play Playard) for the sake of playing. I did it to shut him up. READ MORE 22
