Posts Tagged: Twilight
7

Meet Your New Paranormal Romance Date, The Werebear

You kill the bear, eat the bear meat, and then put on the bearskin. The power of the bear shirt—or ber serkr in Old Norse—gives you the strength and fury of the great animal. This is what berserk means, "bear shirt." Do you actually turn into a bear-human hybrid? Maybe. Nobody liked to go to war against the berserkers, that much is known from the stories of the Roman Empire's long border conflict with the barbarians, which means not "bear brains" but "foreigners."

The human-bear combination exists in North American and Siberian tribal religions, too. These stories go back to the Bear Sons, born to an animal-god father and [...]

79

'The Hunger Games': Bloodless, Sexless and Not Very Hungry

Mary HK Choi: Let us make discussion! First Q: did you read the books?

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: I did not! On principle! I was like, “Make it work for me, Lionsgate."

Mary: RIGHT. Interesting. I did read the books! Second Q: did you read any reviews?

Natasha: NO. Mary, I wanted to love this, love it with my whole big heart I wanted to join a team, a district, pick a teen-lit boyfriend. I DID NONE OF THOSE THINGS. Q for you! Have you seen Battle Royale?

Mary: Of course! Racist.

Mary: Have you read The Lottery?

Natasha: Of course! Racist.

Mary: See, I liked it but that logline [...]

10

The Racism Of "Twilight"

Members of an organization called "Bloodsuckers against TWILIGHT" held a book burning in Oregon this weekend to protest the popular young adult fiction series. The gripe?

The group members said that Stephenie Meyer's books made a mockery of real vampires and created damaging "racial stereotypes." Mr. Von Goolo said the books made vampires seem like "a klatch of sullen poster-boys," according to local ABC news station KATU-TV. He went on to say that the vampires in the books were "unrealistic" and that the likelihood of real vampires falling in love with an "annoying high school girl" was as realistic as a human falling in love with a ham sandwich. [...]

15

What the Gays are Really Saying About 'Twilight: Eclipse'

And here is what the gays are really saying about Eclipse, which really is a movie that doesn't make a lot of internal sense when you view it through any lens except that of intense lady-tween sexual longing and the madness of adolescence: "The vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley." Also? "This franchise is 'subverting' the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining [...]

17

Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings Finally Talk About Serious Business

During Elena Kagan's Supreme Court confirmation hearings this morning, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), decided to open her remarks with a question about The Most Pressing Issue Of Our Time (This Week): Team Edward or Team Jacob? One wonders if Klobuchar lost a particularly grueling game of Truth Or Dare that ensued during the Eclipse-premiere-occasioned sleepover she talked about hosting at at her house last night, and thus felt forced to ask that question for the benefit of the C-Span-watching hordes (and her daughters). Kagan demurred, instead uttering a sorta-strident "I wish you wouldn't" that sounded like her pledge of allegiance to Team I Am So Embarrassed For You As [...]

45

"Smut, Please"! The Fabulous Online Universe of 'Twilight' Fan Fiction, in Which Edward and Bella Get It On and On and On

The exhibition hall in downtown San Diego was divided by sex. By dawn on the second day of Comic Con-this was back in late July-the men figured out they were beat. Hundreds of young girls had spent the night camped out on the sidewalk and so they packed the first 50 rows of the 6000-seat convention room. The unmoving estrogen division-girls in plastic fangs, clingy tops and body glitter-sat patiently through the morning's promotional panels for disaster movies and action hero sagas. But the girls began to screech and jostle as their obsession approached: Twilight.

When the star of the young adult Twilight movie franchise, Robert Pattinson, finally took [...]

36

'Twilight Series': Bite Me Four Times Shame On Me

While getting ready to write this month's Classic Trash column on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, Nicole tripped on a tree root and was unconscious in a bed of leaves for several hours. This, as best as she can remember it, was the ensuing dream.

Forks, Washington. The Year 3013.

As the dawn broke, I continued doing my new jigsaw puzzle, a beautiful interlocking mosaic released to commemorate the 500th anniversary of a successful Israeli-Palestinian two-state solution based largely but not exclusively on the 1967 borders. It wasn't a physical puzzle, of course, since we now had those retina field computers you accessed with brain waves.

I had [...]

52

'Breaking Dawn': The Dress, The Vampire, the Fetus and the Headboard

Natasha: Did you love Breaking Dawn? Did you die during it? I DID.

Mary: I mean… CAN YOU EVEN? Because I maybe cannot. I went to a midnight showing on Court Street in Brooklyn with all of the Eighties babies. And we all DIED.

Natasha: !!!!!!!

Mary: We were STARING at each other like we weren't COMPLETE strangers.

Mary: Let's begin with the wedding as this movie does… QUE CELLO.

Natasha: This is the wedding every young girl pictures, right?

Mary: Yes. Outside. With all those plants I can't name.

Natasha: Let me just say, I SWOONED.

Mary: OH IDK what this swoonage refers to because ME TOO 360.

Natasha: [...]

10

Vampire Bats Bring Nightmare (And Blockbuster) To Life In Peru

"The rise in vampire attacks has baffled the people of the region, but some experts have linked mass vampire bat attacks to deforestation in the Amazon. Vampire bats normally feed on wildlife or livestock, drinking their blood while they sleep. But they turn to humans for food when their natural food chain is jeopardized, particularly in areas where rainforest habitat has been destroyed. Some locals have also suggested that this latest outbreak may be linked to the unusually low temperatures the Peru this year." -In what must be a very truly terrifying episode for the Awajun Indians, vampire bats have recently attacked more than 500 people in the [...]

17

'Twilight: Eclipse': But Can We Talk About the Wigs???

Obviously I was taken to see Eclipse because my friend knows me well enough to know that, not only have I read the series, and seen the other movies, but I also have thoughts about both. Mostly these thoughts are about Mormon sexuality and anti-abortion propaganda, but also about how I give Robert Pattinson credit for wanting to be a good actor, and how I have nothing but empathy for how bonkers his life must be. Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is wigs.

2

Iron And Wine, "Half Moon" and "Mary Anne"

Iron and Wine guy Sam Beam played a brand new song the other night in Charlottesville, Virginia. It sounds pretty excellent. He also played another song, "Mary Anne," that he's apparently been playing in concert for a year or so now, but that I've never heard before. And that one sounds ever better!

27

Emo Dracula Needs To Get Rapey

Slate considers the effect that the new crop of pussy vampires will have on our developing youth: "Just as America's young men are being given deeply erroneous ideas about sex by what they watch on the Web, so, too, are America's young women receiving troubling misinformation about the male of the species from Twilight. These women are going to be shocked when the sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of their dreams expect a bit more from a sleepover than dew-eyed gazes and chaste hugs. The young man, having been schooled in love online, will be expecting extreme bondage and a lesbian three-way."

17

Our Culture Needs Better Monsters! An Interview with Brian McGreevy

In an essay for New York's Vulture blog last year, author Brian McGreevy argued that "over the last decade, something has gone terribly wrong with the modern vampire. Take the biggest offender, Twilight. Granted there is an inescapable genius to its command of 14-year-old girl psychology; its premise is that the hot, broken guy who breaks into your house to draw you while you sleep wants to wait until marriage until he nearly screws you to death on a feather bed."

McGreevy's new novel, Hemlock Grove, published as part of the FSG Originals series, goes straight for the jugular, so to speak. Set in a [...]

8

‘Red Riding Hood’ and the Gripping Jaws of Sexless Teens

Teenagers aren’t having much sex these days. And why should they? If it’s not the AIDS resurgence or public displays of adolescent pregnancy, it’s HPV, or syphilis (yes, syphilis) or any other number of other pestilences that rot your organs and turn your genitals to corrugated mush.

So does all this adolescent celibacy mean that today’s teens are less horny than their free-love Baby Boomer predecessors, or the angst-ridden millennials, or any other group of teens in history? Not a chance. If there’s one universal of the human condition, it’s hormones: Our biochemistry is primed to make us breed, and that means endless streams of panting, [...]

27

The 'Twilight' Movies End in Horror

If you haven't read the Twilight books (or, like me, read the plot summaries on Wikipedia), then you may not know how the shiny vampire series ends. So I won't "spoil" it in the interests of bringing you this insane and terrifying quote from the screenwriter. But now that I've given you the chance to look away…

45

What The Girls Really Say About 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse'

What do young women really talk about when they talk about The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? We asked experts Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper to fill us in. Warning: contains spoilers, multiple pop culture references and graphic sexual language! Their analysis may also cause sudden-onset epilepsy in people under 18 or over 33.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are your loins telling you about Twilight Part 3. Sparklequest?

Mary HK Choi: WELLZ. I LOVED it!

Natasha: It was exactly what I desired.

Mary: EXACTLY.

Mary: Plus? The dialogue was better this time.

Mary: Last time, I had to re-up my understandingness and suspension of disbelief every 6 seconds [...]

14

The "Twilight Saga: Eclipse” Trailer Charitably Rates A 3rd Grade Reading Level

After a stock shot from a helicopter-mounted camera zooming over green woods towards a lake nestled in the mountains, the characters of the Twilight saga once again come stumbling forth to present drama and turn into wolves and, apparently, get engaged to vampires. The script, chopped up for the trailer, is a mix of dramatic statement and narrative exposition. To understand it in written form, you would need to have completed the third grade, according to readability tests.