Recording a rap song is like making a sex tape now. Like, even if you're doing it just for fun, you probably shouldn't, because it could get on to the internet. I feel a little guilty posting this, because its unclear whether or not it was ever intended for official release. But it's not that big a deal, I guess. So, would you look to listen to Serena Williams's rap song? The song, which is mercifully short, doesn't yet have an actual title. But I'll bet "I Win" is what she had in mind.

I'm not sure TMZ quite understands how the gayness works? In an item this morning headlined "Julianne Hough: I Thought Seacrest Was Gay!," they wrote: "There's a reason it took Ryan Seacrest such a long time to score a date with his new girlfriend Julianne Hough–she thought she lacked the proper equipment … genitally speaking." Either I woke up in some forgotten Ursula Le Guin novel about the "third sex" or TMZ's big gay boss isn't properly explaining the birds and the bees and the penises to his young team.

Okay, so this is pretty much the reason why we have a New York Times Sunday Styles section: to rally its readers in a time of raw, unknowing confusion; to dispense the essential information they need in order to make sense of a world seemingly turned upside down; to assure that the bare coordinates of consensual reality remain intact in a social order suddenly deranged by crisis. To grant its imprimatur, in short, to the term "Bling Ring."

1. From the office of Senator Richard Burr (R, NC): "More people watch TMZ in North Carolina than we thought." Oh really? 2. From Harvey Levin, the honcho of gossip clearinghouse TMZ: "If I got Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing aerobics, that would be interesting." (!!!) All from this absurd, old-people story in Time.

Celebrity gossip-monger TMZ deserves a lot of credit for things like straight-up owning the Heather Locklear story (such as it is: it's a wee bit ginned up, the old "actress won't go to rehab, says 'family'" tabloid line). But sometimes they fall down on the job. Take this morning's… news: "Muscle god Chris Hemsworth celebrated the news that his gorgeous wife Elsa Pataky is pregnant with their first child just like anybody else would … by diving down an inflatable slide off a helicopter-carrying luxury yacht with Matt Damon in St. Barts on Wednesday." Well, there's near identical coverage: Popsugar, Just Jared, The Mirror, [...]

The Internet's desire to kill any celebrity was at its peak last summer [Ed. note: "The Summer of Death"], in the wake of Michael Jackson's passing; in recent months, Twitter-borne rumors of dead celebrities had mostly gone dormant, perhaps waiting for the days to get longer and peoples' internal BS detectors to grow more sun-addled. The fake-death spectre did, however, rear its head last night, when some joker at the multiheaded gossip hydra Oh No They Didn't decided to mock up a TMZ screenshot claiming that Betty White had gone to the Miami retirement complex in the sky.

Not only will we not be able to see Sasha Baron Cohen's "interview" with Latoya Jackson in Bruno, and not only will we never find out what "stage move" he was feverishly creating "to succeed his famous 'moonwalk,'" (crueler Awl staffers than I suggest "the Demerol flop"), there are other, sadder concerns. Like, when will America learn to respect TMZ?

Now you know how the art department works: take a local trivia host who's fond of a tacky jacket-Noah Tarnow of the Big Quiz Thing-and paste Steven Slater's head onto his body and ta da, TMZ graphic. Let's hear it for transformative use… I guess!

Dear TMZ,

Your recent email blast of this morning? The one headlined "TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Balloon Dad — Don't Worry About Dropping Soap," which begins "Richard Heene won't have to worry about the "shower situation" in lockdown — TMZ has learned dude will get to shower alone"? This suggests that you require some forcible reeducation. (Particularly as you are an outfit with a gay man in charge.) We hereby sentence you to read the Human Rights Watch paper on prison rape and also to get, for the office, a guest speaker from Just Detention International. Here, you can read testimony from people who have been raped in [...]

As a service to those of you who are inclined to click through on TMZ's new set of topless Miss California photos, fair warning: they've blocked all the nipples. And, really, without nipples what's the point? It's the pageview-baiting version of empty calories. Ignore.[Via ASSME, a site less titillating than the name would lead one to believe.]