Posts Tagged: Thanksgiving
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How To Save Thanksgiving: It's Fingo!

Every family has its fair share of lunatics, alcoholics, weirdos, smug hippies, right wingers, racists and garden variety assholes (to paraphrase Tolstoy). And nothing exacerbates everybody’s awfulness and passive aggressive—and aggressive aggressive—behavior like a family gathering. With Thanksgiving just a few Xanax away, and in the the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share a secret family recipe that has nothing to do with food.

Fingo—that’s Family Bingo, of course—is a game that’ll save your next family function. Or, at the very least, it will make things a lot more interesting. Here’s what you’ll need in order to play it.

1. At least two other members of your [...]
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Let's Make Thanksgiving Better

Okay, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings here, but tomorrow takes us to five weeks out from Thanksgiving, which means that the creeping dread you have started noticing lately isn't just down to the fact that life is full of misery and you're never going to have it as good again as you do now, but is also your mind's way of alerting you that we are beginning our descent into the Holiday Season, where excessive socializing and forced cheer are the order of the day, and things won't get back to normal until well after January because you will still be paying the bill by [...]

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The Arguments Of 2012

So the argument at my Thanksgiving table this year centered around gay marriage; specifically, should gay marriage be something we affirm through the judicial process because it is a human right or should it be something we pass through the legislative process so we avoid another Roe v. Wade where people who would be opposed to it no matter what can pretend that they are bothered by it because it bypasses federalism or whatever? Now, granted, my Thanksgiving table was composed of decadent liberal Easterners, but as someone who has been around close to 40 Thanksgiving tables at this point I can guarantee you that this was a very new [...]

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These Turkeys Are Going To the Beach For Thanksgiving

Not all turkeys will be overcooked and mostly ignored in favor of the tasty stuffing and wine this Thanksgiving. These birds live wild and free in Morro Bay, California—the feral turkeys hang around the golf course for a few hours, and then head down the stairs to the beach.

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This Thanksgiving, Remember You Will Die

"When your relatives force you to look at photos on their phones, be thankful they no longer have access to a slide projector. When your aunt expounds on politics, rejoice inwardly that she does not hold elected office. Instead of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate, be grateful the six-hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria." —Science has some tips on how to handle Thanksgiving. Your main takeaway? Be more grateful. I can actually endorse this idea, although not necessarily in the way it is suggested here. My personal technique for coping with the holiday is to remind myself that even though I had the [...]

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The No-Tears, No-Panic Thanksgiving Countdown Guide: Week 2

Even if you didn’t finish all last week’s assignments, you have reason to be proud of yourself. You’ve started—if only mentally—getting ready for the high hosting day. As you face down these final 14 days until then, periodically repeat these affirmations:

• I am not a procrastinator. I am organized. I am both confident and relaxed, because I have a solid plan and a clean house. • I give thanks for Thanksgiving. I am Thanksgiving personified. I am Squanto and Miles Standish rolled into one efficient thanks-giving machine. • The grocery store is an oasis of inner peace. Standing in line is not a frustrating waste of time, but [...]

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Southern-Style Cornbread Dressing

You Yankees don't know shit about dressing.

It's why, as a Southerner with a father from Macon, Georgia and a mother from the bowels of New Jersey, I have never been to Jersey for Thanksgiving. It's why, no matter how many other Thanksgiving dinners my parents and I have had to suffer through, my dad would still get in the kitchen at some point over the holiday break and cook up an amazing gut-busting meal with collard greens, sweet potato casserole (topped with pecans, not marshmallows, duh), cornbread dressing, cornbread on the side and cornbread for dessert. Yes. Cornbread. For dessert.

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Gaming Out Your Holiday Drinking Regimen

This should help you plan out your Thanksgiving coping mechanism.

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Did You Remember To Compost Your Thanksgiving Garbage?

The most environmentally ethical way to deal with the waste of Thanksgiving feasts is to go to somebody else's house or a restaurant, so you can "let others worry about it." But millions of us who hosted the holiday dinner are now left with the additional work/guilt of doing something with all the rotting containers of increasingly gross five-day-old leftovers in the fridge.

The EPA says that "food waste" is now the "largest component of municipal solid waste being sent to landfills," at more than 33 million tons per year. That's good, because it means that recyclables like cardboard and aluminum and plastic are no longer the bulk of stuff [...]

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Is It Okay To Eat Nothing But Crispy Saturated-Fat-Filled Turkey Skin Tomorrow?

"Tofurkey is offensive, linguistically and culturally. If you want to eat turkey, eat turkey. Tofu doesn't look or taste or smell like turkey at all. If you make tofu, own it and treat it like tofu and call it tofu." —Dr. James Hamblin, the Atlantic's health editor, answers all your Thanksgiving health questions about turkey skin, calories and taking a bowl of gravy and a pack of cigarettes to your childhood bedroom.

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How To Be Thanksgiving

Hey, there sure were a lot of Current Events last week, eh? I mean, Twinkies and Petraeus, Middle East crap, sore losers in the Politics, the Weather (still) more Petraeus with the Benghazi thing, Fiscal Doom Cliff, man, I don’t know about you, but I am kind of tired of News, you know?

That’s why I am looking forward to This Week, because it is a "Short Week." For me, anyway. My Week this week equals Monday-through-Wednesday, and then there will be eating, through the Best and most American holiday, which is supposed to be for being Thankful for things, such as food, and gravy. Thanksgiving!

So I am Thankful [...]

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Thanksgiving Will Kill You

You're not just going to be bored to death this holiday season: "[The] post-meal recovery period is being studied by scientists who are increasingly finding that what happens in the body after eating a big meal doesn't just bring on sleepiness, commonly known as food coma. It can also increase the risk of later health problems."

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The No-Tears, No-Panic Thanksgiving Countdown Guide: Week 1

Out of compulsion, obligation or your own neurotic drive, you are hosting Thanksgiving this year. You know you have the experience and talent to pull it off, but you also know that the complexity of it—and your own high standards of performance—can sneak up on you, making the final hours before Thanksgiving dinner a tear-streaked melodrama of anxiety and disappointment.

So if you want to succeed without losing a finger, your sanity, or the weak familial bonds you still have, we need to start right away. For the next three weeks, your hand in mine, we are going to head into Thanksgiving with grace and confidence, getting enough [...]

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Easy Lemon Meringue Pie

While traditional Thanksgiving pies tend to be gourd-, nut- or cut hand fruit–based, I would contend that with yet another cold, dreary, interminable winter right around the corner, Thanksgiving is when we need a bright, sunshiny lemon meringue pie the most. Outside of the clearly necessary psychic boost it imparts, the reason I’ve been making lemon meringue pie since I was a kid is that it’s secretly very easy, but the folks who eat it can’t help but gush about how crafty and skilled a baker you are. For an insecure middle child desperately scratching for attention and familial approval at every opportunity, this fact is crucial, and [...]

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Weatherman: Thanksgiving Eve Superstorm Will Bring The Utter Destruction Of All American Travel Plans And Dreams

Overnight GFS model says 'just kidding', lashes NYC with T'gvng-eve nor'easter. My thoughts: http://t.co/oVflMEzAeR pic.twitter.com/7Nf1NOUBLZ

— Eric Holthaus (@EricHolthaus) November 22, 2013

Expect heavy rain from Dallas->Atlanta->DC->NYC->Boston the day before Thanksgiving http://t.co/lhBDg0eHwC #badtiming pic.twitter.com/LlNfcdxBPp

— Eric Holthaus (@EricHolthaus) November 22, 2013

America's weather-predicting boyfriend and repentant airplane user Eric Holthaus came out with a doozy this morning that'll rock your holidays: a foot of snow maybe, the day before Thanksgiving, give or take, hurricane force winds on the Eastern seaboard, general mayhem, rain across half the country, people eating each other alive in airports, turkeys brined in grandmothers' tears.

[...]
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Americans Win Black Friday Contest With Billion-Dollar Buying Orgy

Congratulations, everybody: Black Friday retail sales topped a billion dollars, which means everybody is rich and happy again. Whether shopping from a laptop in bed with a variety of empty bottles and pie crumbs or "at the actual store" with your fellow shoppers in their sweatpants, you helped make America great again.

How much greater? How about 26% better than Black Friday 2011! That is just a phenomenal amount of spending, for a phenomenal amount of consumer goods, electronics, gifts, and whatever else people buy. Pretty much everything is a Black Friday sales item in 2012. Cars? Oh hell yeah, go buy a car on Black [...]

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Enjoy a Pescetarian Thanksgiving, Just Like Those Old-Timey Pilgrims

My household is primarily ovo-lacto vegetarian, and I say "primarily" because I have small children who like those gross chicken lumps and fish sticks you find in your grocer's freezer, and also because it's nice to have a grilled, cedar-planked slab of wild-caught salmon on Thanksgiving. On the West Coast, you can do this outside on your grill, just like the Pacific Northwest tribes did for thousands of years before "Portlandia" and the Microsoft Surface tablet. In colder climates, you can broil the salmon in the oven if you don't have a coat? But this method does create the "burning flesh" smell so loathsome to delicate souls such [...]

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22 Awesome Last-Minute Thanksgiving Recipes

ARE YOU READY? No of course you're not. Here, for you, some last minute inspirations, with gratitude from all of us. Don't hurt your families (unless they really deserve it, in which case, go to town).

DESSERTPie Crust. If we hear about any of you purchasing pie crusts, there'll be trouble.

Cherry Clafoutis.

Tardelle (aka Struffoli).

Plumcot Yogurt Cake.

Easy Lemon Meringue Pie.

Lemon Squares.

Pumpkin Flan.

Tiramisu.

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The No-Tears, No-Panic Thanksgiving Countdown Guide: The Final Week

You guys, I couldn’t be prouder if I were a den mother ironing some gold arrow points on your scouting uniforms. You can head into the final seven days before Thanksgiving with your heads held high. When you get released from work early next Wednesday, you won’t be rushing to the grocery store. Instead, you’ll have time for an extended happy hour or to pick up your visitors from the airport, because your shopping is done, the sheets are pressed and dinner is waiting in the slow cooker. But even though you are in an advanced state of preparation, with little additional planning left to do, don’t yet retire [...]

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Chart: What Are People Throwing Up Today?