The next time you see a smiling child, that symbol of innocence and potential and happiness in a world where none of those things ever come to any meaningful fruition, look closely at his or her teeth: They are full of stem cells. Expensive, valuable stem cells that can be harvested to treat diabetes and Parkinson's and other diseases. And what are these selfish children doing with them? Eating Swedish fish and talking back. We should rip out all those teeth now, before they wise up and start keeping their mouths shut. Or maybe we don't have to! Turns out human fat is loaded up with stem cells as well. We may be running out of natural resources, but there is a GLUT of human fat in the American market alone. Once we harness the technology to turn all that tubbiness into treatments, no one will ever be sick again. So chow down, folks, you're doing it for Science!

I wake in the middle of most nights with a sharp pain in my mouth, which I tell myself is the result of stress-related jaw grinding rather than some sort of deeper dental issue that I am too much of a frightened child to actually go see a professional about. (Dental work freaks me out!) So you think I'd be greeting this new miracle of Science with unalloyed joy. READ MORE

If I know my Awl readers-and I think I do-I know that the most pressing concern you face these days is whether or not your massive consumption of wine will somehow damage the enamel on your teeth. Here's your answer: Drink red. Or better yet, drink bourbon! Although that very last tip is not based on any medical or scientific knowledge and should probably not be taken as gospel, particularly if you've seen the state of my own dental work, which is atrocious given my refusal to see a dentist and the massive amount of nicotine staining going on there. Anyway, drink red and eat cheese! You're welcome.

I am a massive coward when it comes to tooth pain. I give blood regularly, when I was particularly impecunious I sold my plasma, I can deal with most forms of bodily harm. But, Jesus, there's just something about my teeth that turns me into a gigantic frigging child. I haven't been to the dentist in years; God knows what's going on in there. Lately, though, my teeth have started to ache in a way that even I can't ignore. Mostly, I feel it in the mornings, so, thanks to this helpful "G.M.A" clip, I've diagnosed myself as someone who is grinding their teeth because of stress! So all I need to do is unstress and everything will go back to normal! Problem solved, no dental visit needed! Or at least I assume that's what the case is; I couldn't watch the thing all the way through, because once the doctor starts talking about chips and enamel and stuff? Owwww. No way. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it! Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.