"A gang of swan killers are being hunted by police amid fears the birds are being stolen to eat."
To Knifecrime Island, where even the waterfowl are surly and aggressive: "Rowers in Cambridge have called for the Queen to remove an aggressive swan nicknamed 'Mr Asbo' which they claim attacks people using the river." (You will recall than an Asbo, or Anti-Social Behaviour Order, is a designation issued to persons perpetrating anti-social behaviors to prevent them from engaging in those behaviors, such as the loud-sex-having woman.) Unfortunately, according to Her Majesty's Warden of the Swans, Mr Asbo can only be removed if the Queen claims the bird, a procedure which requires the permission of Her Majesty's Swan Marker, which is a different job entirely from Swan Warden. [...]
So it's come to this: "Britain’s most vicious swan nicknamed Mr Asbo has been moved to a secret location to protect river users after a series of attacks on rowers and boaters. The bad-tempered male bird has been attacking boats on the River Cam in Cambridge for the last three years but this Spring his behaviour has got worse.River Cam authorities have been granted an emergency licence by Natural England despite it being bredding season amid fears he could cause serious injury."
Apart from being terrifying and horrific, serial killers are oddly fascinating. Why do we find ourselves so obsessed over them? Is it just the fear and revulsion, or is something else at play? And it's not just us. Songwriters are often inspired by serial killers. Here are thirteen songs with extremely sinister origins.