Snow, snow and more snow! And that's just the voice-over. "This is winter's last blast of the year," says the reporter. "Or maybe not." It really makes you think.
"It seems that the odds are stacked against snow in the five boroughs this year."
Ah, it's been a year since we looked at the evil monster people who throw their cats in the snow each winter. Well they're all still at it! Here are some sad videos—followed by soothing videos of cats enjoying snow. Those are very good! Wouldn't want to get too worked up on a Friday afternoon.
How does the New York Times express the sentiment of "bullshit?" It uses the words "more mystifying." We also would have accepted "snow job."
"Jobless claims rise on snow-related layoffs"! This is AP-speak for "When it snowed recently, the unemployment offices were too snowy to process some recent unemployment requests," but also? "The blizzard also likely led to more workers having to file claims because they were unable to work." Why does God hate jobs? The rolling number of people receiving unemployment is 4.6 million. Good news though! At the end of the month that number may drop by a million! Which is going to maybe make the unemployment numbers look really good! But other numbers, like "the number of new homeless," might not look as good?
You know what happens when it snows a whole bunch and people have cats? Yes. They throw them in the snow. A trawl of YouTube helps us identify the people we should locate and go to their houses and forcibly remove their cats, who are all being thrown in the snow because, I dunno, there were no children to lock in the basement or whatever. Update: Interesting! Some people are already removing their cat-tossing videos that were posted here.
"The best description I can give would be that if you looked at new spring snow, which has a fine grain size, about an hour after dawn or an hour before sunset, you'd see the same spectrum of light that an alien astronomer in another galaxy would see looking at the Milky Way." —University of Pittsburgh astronomer Jeffrey Newman, on how, by looking through telescopes at other galaxies, he and his colleagues have determined the exact color our own would have from an outside perspective. But what if, say, the alien astronomer had stayed up all night tripping on mushrooms? Like, if he'd rented a house in Vermont with [...]
"But that was not the same snow," I say. "Our snow was not only shaken from white wash buckets down the sky, it came shawling out of the ground and swam and drifted out of the arms and hands and bodies of the trees; snow grew overnight on the roofs of the houses like a pure and grandfather moss…"
For some perspective on this view out the window: that shed is 7 feet tall.
Did you hear? More snow! There's a winter storm in effect until tomorrow evening, and they're calling for 8-14 inches. (Yes, yes, make your jokes, children.) Snow is 1-2 so far this season, so it's hard to know how much of the stuff that hits the ground will actually stick around, but hopefully it will brighten up all the dirty ice piles remaining from the last big storm.
"Men's ski events delayed due to snow." IDK? Related! We are taking the rest of the day off in sympathy. (And due to extremely poor server performance.)
There has been a lot of talk of snow on this blog of late. And while I know most New Yorkers don't shovel a flake of snow, many in D.C. and other locales own are underwater on condos, houses and town-homes. Also, maybe some newly underemployed i-banker is now the super of your building and needs to know how to shovel fucking snow. Anyway, knowing how to shovel snow is a useful skill. I have shoveled literal shit-tons of snow in my life so here's how.
First, chug a fucking glass of red wine.
You're not going to escape this one. According to this NASA satellite photo, the best thing to do is buy ALL the booze and cigarettes and pizza and batteries from the very nearest bodega and then just hope to Christ that Netflix Streaming doesn't go out. But it will go out, along with the power.
In positive news, it will be very beautiful after the storm. Just be careful not to step on frozen people and frozen stray pets, under the foot or three of fresh snow. What are your storm-coping tips?
So, that was January, 2011 in New York: 31 straight days with snow on the ground. Thirty-six total inches—a new all-time record for the month! And there's more to come as February gets started. I've been hearing a lot of complaining about it from humans. But you know who you don't hear complaining about it? Tigers. Or monkeys.
They're having the Very Special Nanny State Meeting On Why The Snow Storm Was So Crazy and Who Will Protect Me from All This Snow-Gate down at City Hall today. Sad to say, the hearing opened with councilwoman Letitia James saying that "This hearing will not turn into a public flogging of the administration," which, booooo, so then I stopped listening.
Our verdict: insufficient alcohol lubrication prior to shoveling.