CBS and the New York Post have had it with Bill de Blasio, who made it snow endlessly on our city and then had his wee caravan roll on through some stop signs in Queens. They also did some speeding. (The Daily News wood is hilarious.) No one has ever disobeyed the speed limit in Queens. New York's worst monster! The Post has this to add: "The mayor — who vowed a transparent administration — routinely holds secret meetings and keeps events hidden from his public schedule." Like he had a secret cocktail with Obama's keymaster Valerie Jarrett! This city is a monstrosity. Everything is in ruins. [...]
Shelley Jackson has been telling a story written in snow on Instagram for weeks now. (You would start from the bottom, obvs.)
This is the winter people decided snow umbrellas were a Thing.
— Julia Rubin (@juliarubin) January 21, 2014
This woman is right: You are all doing this, and it is horrifying. I don't know why we don't use umbrellas for snow as we do for rain, but THAT IS THE WAY THINGS ARE and to act in any other manner is one more troubling sign of how our selfishness and lack of decorum is dragging us all down. For SHAME, people. Have a little goddamn DIGNITY.
Snow, snow and more snow! And that's just the voice-over. "This is winter's last blast of the year," says the reporter. "Or maybe not." It really makes you think.
"It seems that the odds are stacked against snow in the five boroughs this year."
Ah, it's been a year since we looked at the evil monster people who throw their cats in the snow each winter. Well they're all still at it! Here are some sad videos—followed by soothing videos of cats enjoying snow. Those are very good! Wouldn't want to get too worked up on a Friday afternoon.
"Due to the amount of snow on the ground, warming temperatures and rain, Greater New Yorkers face a new set of winter hazards on Thursday. These will come from above and below in the form of black ice, slushy street corner puddles and chunks of snow and ice falling from buildings." —Yes, you will probably be soaked by some form of solidified moisture as you wend your way through town today, but just remember the classic New York City adage "If it isn't jizz, go about your biz" and keep moving. (Unless it is, in fact, jizz, in which [...]
A very lucky Setsubun to you and yours, and the Times points us on this snowy morning to the city's hilarious snow-shoveling laws, which include an exemption from shoveling snow if it is all frozen terribly hard, in which case you may cause your sidewalk to be "strewed with ashes, sand, sawdust." But more importantly: Q: Do I have to clear the whole sidewalk? My sidewalk is very wide!
A: No. You have to clear a path just “wide enough for pedestrians and to allow for wheelchair and stroller access,” the city’s Law Department said.
Q: Can I shovel snow into the street?
A: Please don’t. [...]
• Slush-planing delivery bicyclist.
• The rising up of New York City's ever-growing underclass.
• Ice skate to the face.
• Trampled by sleet-encrusted fourth-grade class trip on subway platform.
• Molten hot chocolate.
• Snow sharks.
"The best description I can give would be that if you looked at new spring snow, which has a fine grain size, about an hour after dawn or an hour before sunset, you'd see the same spectrum of light that an alien astronomer in another galaxy would see looking at the Milky Way." —University of Pittsburgh astronomer Jeffrey Newman, on how, by looking through telescopes at other galaxies, he and his colleagues have determined the exact color our own would have from an outside perspective. But what if, say, the alien astronomer had stayed up all night tripping on mushrooms? Like, if he'd rented a house in Vermont with [...]
"But that was not the same snow," I say. "Our snow was not only shaken from white wash buckets down the sky, it came shawling out of the ground and swam and drifted out of the arms and hands and bodies of the trees; snow grew overnight on the roofs of the houses like a pure and grandfather moss…"
For some perspective on this view out the window: that shed is 7 feet tall.
Did you hear? More snow! There's a winter storm in effect until tomorrow evening, and they're calling for 8-14 inches. (Yes, yes, make your jokes, children.) Snow is 1-2 so far this season, so it's hard to know how much of the stuff that hits the ground will actually stick around, but hopefully it will brighten up all the dirty ice piles remaining from the last big storm.
Well isn't that a fine how-do-you-do. Mayor Bill (hmm) apologized to Upper East Side residents and with a wave of his wand, caused snow to disappear. But then! The Post, unsatisfied with their shaming of yesterday, gets stupid people all over the city to complain. ("The streets should be clean already," beefs an annoying man who is crossing the street at 42nd and Broadway.) Jesus Christ people, IT WAS A ONE DAY SNOWSTORM, YOU'LL LIVE, SACK UP A LITTLE. When did everyone get so whiny about some snow? It falls from the sky! ALSO? Such misdirected anger! When did we stop being enraged at the MTA? Fight [...]
Britain is a nightmarish hellhole where existence is a pitiless struggle in even the calmest of times, so it is heartbreaking to watch this remarkable footage of its wretched denizens forced to contend with heavy wind. Scroll down here for an even more remarkable graphic delineating the types of gust.
You're not going to escape this one. According to this NASA satellite photo, the best thing to do is buy ALL the booze and cigarettes and pizza and batteries from the very nearest bodega and then just hope to Christ that Netflix Streaming doesn't go out. But it will go out, along with the power.
In positive news, it will be very beautiful after the storm. Just be careful not to step on frozen people and frozen stray pets, under the foot or three of fresh snow. What are your storm-coping tips?
So, that was January, 2011 in New York: 31 straight days with snow on the ground. Thirty-six total inches—a new all-time record for the month! And there's more to come as February gets started. I've been hearing a lot of complaining about it from humans. But you know who you don't hear complaining about it? Tigers. Or monkeys.