Sarah Palin will not run for president of the United States. In related news, I have decided that I am going to let someone else be God for a little while longer. Even though it's fairly obvious that I'm the best person for the position, this website comes first, and I feel like I can do more for humanity by posting bear videos and writing "Sure, why the hell not" about ridiculous news stories than I could as the omniscient Lord Over Creation. I will continue driving the discussion for bourbon and blowjobs from this platform here, confident that I can do just as much for those issues with your support as I could by being King of the Heavens. Know that by working together we can bring this world back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it. Even if I could have totally gotten it. Would have been easy! God bless you, and God bless me, who could have been God. Thanks!

At a recent New Hampshire tea party rally, Sarah Palin spoke of the regulatory burdens on the area's Yankee Fisherman's Cooperative, a group that she compared to "our own commercial fishing family." Back in June, on a previous trip to New Hampshire, she said, "Well, commercial fishing is near and dear to my heart of course. You know, having fished for so many years. And I understand fish politics. I understand what these fishermen are going through." READ MORE

When word went up in the press filing center Friday that Sarah Palin had rolled onto the grounds of the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines—unannounced, of course—a group of reporters, chasing a rumor about her location, immediately scampered off, weaving through the swine and cattle barns, dodging stony-faced teenage farmers and piles of pig shit. When we found her, near a row of massive steer, the scrum was already enormous. READ MORE

It seems too obvious to even say, but what with the celebrations about Glenn Beck leaving Fox News... well, yes: "Essentially, he's leaping from venue to venue and using each to get richer, more famous, and more validated. Now he's a free agent with millions of dollars at his disposal and more than two million loyal fans." Hi, Sarah Palin quit her job as a governor because it restrained her and her income potential. Why wouldn't Glenn Beck do the same thing? (Besides, he's been gaming this out for ages.) You don't want to be the talent: you want to be the owner. And he doesn't need a channel, he just needs a studio. And setting up your own shop is all the rage these days. After Tyler Perry showed everyone how it could be done, by creating his own Hollywood in Atlanta, other famous people are rushing to follow suit. Mark my words: Queen Latifah's play to become the next Oprah, as she constructs Flavor Unit Entertainment, her operation now based in Miami—that's going to be the best financial decision she's ever made, what with its record company arm and its real estate holding company. Glenn Beck's products are scarcely different: entertainment is entertainment, products are products. Soon there'll be a big glistening Glenn Beck International Headquarters, which will be constructed entirely out of diamonds and skulls. Everybody's gonna get rich or die trying!

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With her usual vacuous brio, Sarah Palin has seized another news cycle, using an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network to attack the Obama administration for failing to do, well, something she’d vaguely like to be done about the political crisis in Egypt. The half-term former Alaska governor assailed White House diplomacy hands for withholding reliable information about the nature of the protests and for their inability to clearly telegraph the next moves the United States will pursue in the suddenly unstable Middle East. The potential risks, she warned, are dire indeed. Washington urgently needs to determine just “who it will be that fills now the void in the government” in Egypt, she explained: "Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no, that is not who we should be supporting and standing by, so we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests." READ MORE

Yesterday, we looked at how taxpayer-funded USAID has been supporting evangelical organizations in Haiti, in direct violation of executive orders by both George W. Bush and Barack Obama regarding federal grants to faith-based organizations. We noted in particular how Franklin Graham—Billy Graham's son—uses federal aid to increase his personal profile and influence and, using USAID-funded Haiti clinics as scenic background for Fox News specials, has secured Sarah Palin's enthusiastic, fervent endorsement, no doubt in return for election support come 2012. READ MORE

The story that best describes Haiti's last year is not from a slum, nor from a cholera clinic. It's not to be found in the rubble—but in a courtroom in Texas. READ MORE