Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow Americans, and even you, Mr. President:

On this fortuitous evening, we come together in a highly ritualized, deeply esoteric sacred performance within the inner sanctum of our nation's high temple. The president's words will be parsed by an inverse pyramid of humanity, from a mass of dimwitted Politico commenters bobbing like frantic ill-informed ducks upon the surface to the industrial sludge filters at the bottleneck bottom, monstrous catfish like Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer, slurping up and then expelling the reactions to the president's prepared text, which have already become worn out punchlines on Twitter.

At home, the citizens [...]

The insider term for the goal of those who produce reality television shows, those who assemble the footage into episodes, is a profane one. I learned this from a reality television producer (who wished not to be named so as to continue being a reality TV producer). "We in reality TV talk about 'shit to gold,'" RTP said. This is the mechanism by which some soul is given an opportunity to overcome an obstacle. "The audience loves seeing shit turn into gold." Objectively speaking, they certainly do.

I was talking to RTP about this peculiar little program called "Repo Games." The show is, naturally, about repos. Home foreclosures [...]

Something about the Palin family inspires conspiracy theories. The latest one is that Bristol Palin has only survived as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars" because "Tea Partiers," whatever that means (fiscal conservatives? Old people? Oolong fans?), have engineered a way to vote for her in some unnatural or unfair way, whether that be without watching the show or through automated voting mechanisms or, I dunno, planting suggestions in our dreams or something. It's no mere Internet rumor, either—I heard it about it on my morning shows, and it's become a major news story to the degree that both the show's producers and Bristol herself have felt motivated [...]

Bravo's reality show about artists, producing by one S. J. Parker and coming in June, which we've all been sort of anxiously dreading? It is deemed "hilarious" by trustworthy pilot-viewers. But will the show really find America's Next Top Art Star? "Based on what I've seen thus far, the answer to that question is a resounding no," reports our correspondent. I still don't understand how/why China Chow is involved but hey, it's TV, kids!

The oldest precursor in Western culture to the new six-week TV Land reality series "First Love, Second Chance" is a play. It tells the story of a couple deeply in love, one of those formative, life-changing early relationships, not to mention the boy's first kiss. The relationship ends abruptly, as intense relationships often do, when the boy is unexpectedly sent far away. Many years pass, and both the boy and the girl are physically transformed beyond recognition. But such, we are meant to feel, is the strength of their bond, that when they meet again, without even knowing each other's identity, they fall in love and marry.

The [...]

348. The Girls Next Door 347. I Want to Be A Hilton 346. Denise Richards: It's Complicated 345. Armed & Famous 344. That's Amore! 343. Joe Schmo 2 342. Homeland Security USA 341. Jockeys 340. Hit Me, Baby, One More Time 339. Fame 338. On the Lot

A press release arrived this afternoon from the network TV Land. It explains why the 20 contestants on new reality show "The Cougar"-in which they try to seduce an older woman-are participating. (The "older woman" is 40.) I for one certainly hope the aliens are enjoying this bit of human anthropology being blasted out ever-further and ever-louder into space.

In 2002, Corey Feldman was the canary in the reality-show coal mine. Before starring on the first season of VH1's "The Surreal Life," a show that spawned something like 16 spinoffs, the fallen star of Goonies and The Lost Boys produced an album which could stand as the unofficial soundtrack for the 00s' glut of celebrity reality shows. That Former Child Actor was going to be a wreck was evident before it even came out (maybe it was the promised cover of "Imagine" that tipped everyone off). But this series is dedicated to reassessing vanity projects past, no matter how unpromising, so let's do now what we [...]

America loves TV about polygamy. After four years of the scintillating fiction of "Big Love," we were ready for fact. Or, at least, the reality-TV version of it. TLC’s series "Sister Wives" finally arrived in 2010, and the second season has just begun, as "Big Love" concludes this weekend. Like an elephant with a friendly bird to eat flies off of its back, the two shows have formed a sort of symbiosis.

Fact and fiction intertwine: "Sister Wives" shows you the real-life versions of the characters. "Big Love" shows you what they might look like in bed. The excitement of "Big Love" relied on our faith in the [...]

Sex Offender Week got a little derailed yesterday due to sad server problems. But we're back today with two more installments on the issues of being the men and the women today!

Former Poison frontman Bret Michaels winding up in the hospital (may the bandana of love live on for eternity) is the best thing that could have happened to Donald Trump this spring.

The third season of the Donald's extra vanity project-"Celebrity Apprentice"-has been struggling. With bloated two-hour episodes, the show has been beat in the ratings by CBS' "Undercover Boss," ABC's "Brothers and Sisters" and (oof) "Desperate Housewives."

The Human Rights Campaign stands as the the most well-connected and "influential" gay lobbying group in the United States. The repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell is tops among their legislative goal this year. But winter is melting to spring and there is nothing to show other than Congressman Barney Frank's rumblings that repeal may not happen until 2011-when the 2012 elections, in which Democrats have 23 Senate seats up for reelection, are well gearing up. So HRC was forced to break out the big guns down in D.C. Who else to force the arc of history other than a reality show star?

It is rare that I have read an article about reality television with which I agree less. (Particularly because the analysis of early 'Real World' here seems to me-despite the unfortunate use of "arguably"-very accurate: "Season two of The Real World is, arguably, the single most important season of any TV show of the last twenty years." And because the following points about people on reality TV become simulacra of prior people on reality TV seems quite right!) But it all leads up to this: "It's difficult to say exactly why we retreated from reality television." Which, strongly disagree!? Anyway, worth a read, if you're looking for reading! [...]

So late last week, I learned that I failed the bar exam. I don't remember a ton from those two days in July. Which isn't too surprising, because apparently (we now know) I wasn't remembering much during those days either. I do remember, however, that at lunchtime thousands of future lawyers poured out of the Buffalo Convention Center and onto Niagara Square. There were more people outside in downtown Buffalo those two days than I could ever before remember. And they were from downstate too, and they were eating outside in the summertime just like they do in New York City. Even though I was failing a bar exam at [...]

If you're in need of one of those moments where your faith in humanity is briefly refreshed and you wipe back a sudden tear as you contemplate the beauty which each and every one of us is at some point capable, you'd do worse than to click here. Sure, it's a little manipulative and a lot manufactured, but, you know what? It's Monday. This is about as good as it's gonna get.

"Why in these terrible times do we need a TV singing competition? Why do we need football? Why do we need to watch a bunch of guys in pajamas try to hit a ball with a stick? Reality singing is the most noble gladiatorial competition of our culture, with people fighting to the death not with rubber balls, but with song. Why does that upset you so much? We need competitive singing now more than ever." —"American Idol" expert Richard Rushfield has finally visited "The X Factor." (Interesting: "X Factor films on the same stage as American Idol, but whereas the Idoldome stage faces south (if you are standing [...]