Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow Americans, and even you, Mr. President:
On this fortuitous evening, we come together in a highly ritualized, deeply esoteric sacred performance within the inner sanctum of our nation's high temple. The president's words will be parsed by an inverse pyramid of humanity, from a mass of dimwitted Politico commenters bobbing like frantic ill-informed ducks upon the surface to the industrial sludge filters at the bottleneck bottom, monstrous catfish like Chris Matthews and Wolf Blitzer, slurping up and then expelling the reactions to the president's prepared text, which have already become worn out punchlines on Twitter.
At home, the citizens [...]
The insider term for the goal of those who produce reality television shows, those who assemble the footage into episodes, is a profane one. I learned this from a reality television producer (who wished not to be named so as to continue being a reality TV producer). "We in reality TV talk about 'shit to gold,'" RTP said. This is the mechanism by which some soul is given an opportunity to overcome an obstacle. "The audience loves seeing shit turn into gold." Objectively speaking, they certainly do.
I was talking to RTP about this peculiar little program called "Repo Games." The show is, naturally, about repos. Home foreclosures [...]
Something about the Palin family inspires conspiracy theories. The latest one is that Bristol Palin has only survived as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars" because "Tea Partiers," whatever that means (fiscal conservatives? Old people? Oolong fans?), have engineered a way to vote for her in some unnatural or unfair way, whether that be without watching the show or through automated voting mechanisms or, I dunno, planting suggestions in our dreams or something. It's no mere Internet rumor, either—I heard it about it on my morning shows, and it's become a major news story to the degree that both the show's producers and Bristol herself have felt motivated [...]
Bravo's reality show about artists, producing by one S. J. Parker and coming in June, which we've all been sort of anxiously dreading? It is deemed "hilarious" by trustworthy pilot-viewers. But will the show really find America's Next Top Art Star? "Based on what I've seen thus far, the answer to that question is a resounding no," reports our correspondent. I still don't understand how/why China Chow is involved but hey, it's TV, kids!
The oldest precursor in Western culture to the new six-week TV Land reality series "First Love, Second Chance" is a play. It tells the story of a couple deeply in love, one of those formative, life-changing early relationships, not to mention the boy's first kiss. The relationship ends abruptly, as intense relationships often do, when the boy is unexpectedly sent far away. Many years pass, and both the boy and the girl are physically transformed beyond recognition. But such, we are meant to feel, is the strength of their bond, that when they meet again, without even knowing each other's identity, they fall in love and marry.
348. The Girls Next Door 347. I Want to Be A Hilton 346. Denise Richards: It's Complicated 345. Armed & Famous 344. That's Amore! 343. Joe Schmo 2 342. Homeland Security USA 341. Jockeys 340. Hit Me, Baby, One More Time 339. Fame 338. On the Lot
A press release arrived this afternoon from the network TV Land. It explains why the 20 contestants on new reality show "The Cougar"-in which they try to seduce an older woman-are participating. (The "older woman" is 40.) I for one certainly hope the aliens are enjoying this bit of human anthropology being blasted out ever-further and ever-louder into space.