I know it's only April, but I wanted to get a jump on the Commencement Addresses for various Colleges, Junior Colleges, Trade Schools, and other institutions of Higher Learning, while reminding everyone I am available for such speaking engagements, to inform and inspire the Youth.

Here is the "Uncorrected Proof" of my current address to the Recent Graduate. It helps to imagine it being read in a shouting voice.

"See your future, be your future" is not just a line one may quote from the movie Caddyshack, starring Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Rodney Dangerfield, it is a Way to live one's life. Like millions of people, I bet, [...]

18. Mushrooms

17. Anchovies

16. Chicken

15. Olives

14. Eggplant

New Yorkers argue about pizza a lot. New Yorkers argue about a lot of things a lot, I suppose. But being that pizza is near and dear to New Yorker’s hearts (and that the very first pizza sold in America was sold at Lombardi’s, on Spring Street, in 1905), New Yorkers take special pleasure in arguing about pizza. Mostly: What place sells the very best pizza today? I have some thoughts about this myself. Though not ones that I’d wish to argue extremely vociferously about. I like to eat, and I like pizza (who doesn’t? Is there anyone who doesn’t like pizza?) but finding the perfect one is not [...]

BREAKFAST. PIZZA.

Poor Conde Nast: Substantial revenue losses will result in a deep and painful realignment which is sure to see titles shuttered, perks slashed, and employees relieved of their jobs. On the plus side, it's pizza day! Kind of a glass-half-full thing, right?

Here is a list of weird Asian pizza flavors.

Here you will find a story about a bear eating pizza. There is video! That is one pizza-eating bear!

Do you want your Monday mornings to be full of great news, the sort of news that embodies a yearning for an electrifying week to come? That fills you with a hope for humanity while also allowing you a chuckle at our mutual expense? By nearly any standard, this week promises to be gangbusters! Our least favorite local politician is now the proprietor of a small pizza shop in Queens, and the Post, to its credit, does what the Post does best:

Hiram Monserrate is serving the public again—one slice at a time.

The shamed former state senator is getting rid of his aggression these days by [...]

Mary HK Choi: Really quick background question: were you prompted to eat Domino's because of their new ad campaign? David Cho: Oh for sure, I'd been watching those commercials for the last couple of weeks. Mary: Me too. David: They make a really compelling argument! Mary: Agreed. There's something about contrition that makes me want to throw money at it. Mary: Was the line "When they said our sauce tasted like ketchup it broke my heart" what got you? Mary: Because it definitely did me. David: Not to mention the guarantee. David: What percentage of people ever actually follow through with something like that, to go to the trouble of [...]

There are many reasons why I shouldn't have the information I have about Papa John Schnatter, and only one reason that I do. The reasons why not are plentiful. I am not, for instance, a fan of his pizza, and have been critical of it in the past—I have said, on the record and in many instances to people who didn't even ask what I thought of Papa John's, that I think Papa John's pizza "tastes like being in an airport feels" and "is basically an industrial accident covered with seven pounds of shredded cheese."

These critiques, I am aware, are not necessarily unique. What put me on Schnatter's [...]

Ways to win my heart (and traffic): "But that's not to say that there hasn't been any innovation in the pizza box space. FAR FROM IT!"

"If you are the sort of person who sees televised images of something called 'The Tuscan Six-Cheese Pizza' (or even the meaningless words 'Tuscan Six-Cheese Pizza') and thinks 'fuck yes, and let me get some breadsticks and a side of ranch with that,' then the commercials work for you and of course good luck with your diabetes. If you see those commercials and do not think that, then you just avoided engagement with a Tuscan Six-Cheese Pizza, and also probably dodged a clammy and miserable evening of junior coronary incidents. So maybe I should bitch less about Papa John's, I guess? Pizza Hut, though, deserves no such quarter." —Awl pal [...]