"On one occasion, he said, a child on a tricycle collided with his friend’s leg." — Come on, people. Slutty Park Slope moms have to get their craft beer on somewhere, even when they don't have the nanny that day. Let them take the kids to Ted Nugent's son's Greenwood Park beer hall and have their affairs in their Volvos outside, they've totally earned it. Won't someone think of the children?

A plausible suspect in the serial assaults in greater Park Slope has been held for questioning; he was caught in the act, or at least "an act." But police are saying that they believe there's more than one of 'em. In fact, they have "four sketches of suspects on display" at the station. (AND HOW DEPRESSING IS THAT?) Some news: here are some free self-defense classes in Brooklyn; Safe Slope is still offering walks home for ladies and other folks who may feel vulnerable.

What's more delightful than the Park Slope Food Coop? The most magical place on earth. I love to read about these people who live in a land far far away from the real! "Jeremie Delon, 31… rejoined recently after becoming a father. He said the co-op had asked for a birth certificate as proof of the baby’s existence, and was now chasing down the baby’s mother, demanding that she join and put in her time, because all adult members of a household are required to work shifts." OH MY GOD, THAT'S REVERSE HETEROSEXIST.

Once a month I get together with half a dozen moms from Park Slope and Carroll Gardens. We call ourselves Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts. They dubbed me a Hooker because I wear tight clothes and smile a lot. Sally, a stay-at-home mom of boys, is a Slut, because she’s always touching her body. The Drug Addict is a therapist who can drink a bottle of Cabernet in one sitting. (All names and some details have been changed so I don’t lose more friends than I already have.) Some work and some don’t. The working ones complain about their jobs and the non-working ones complain about their husbands. We go [...]

Safe Slope is up and running this weekend, offering accompaniment home for women, gay men and trans people. It'll probably be a lot more effective against violence in the neighborhood than police officers telling women not to wear shorts, skirts or dresses. (FOR REAL.) Or also maybe not silently following women at night? To get an escort home after 7 p.m., call 347-709-8852. (That's 347-SØY-TULB. Or 347-PØW-VULA. Hmm. Not so helpful. Maybe just program it into your phone now?)

To whom it may concern:

It has been exactly five years since I graduated from a prestigious-if interchangeable with many that are similarly-named-university in New England called Wesleyan and moved to the capital of the world. Though apartment living is but one aspect of life, I should warn you that this letter consists primarily of fond memories of slipshod landlords and asbestos-ridden antechambers. If this is not something that interests you, you will surely perish in New York and ought to make a U-turn on the George Washington Bridge as soon as you can. Over the course of the past 1,825 days on this island-Long Island, that is, and [...]