The Gowanus Whole Foods opened this morning, at 3rd Avenue and 3rd Street in Brooklyn (midway between Park Slope and Carroll Gardens, for you Manhattanites), with a bench-laden parkway along the Gowanus Canal, a hot hipster-manned knife-sharpening station, copious espresso machines, a giant over-sized novelty baguette (WHY IS THIS BREAD SO BIG?), giant hanging hogs, a rooftop beer garden, an enormous greenhouse, and just more of everything than you can possibly imagine. It was mobbed with shoppers within minutes of opening.
Much yogurt. So organic. Wow. Etc.
Just pretend there are stupid captions on each of these photos that are like "Wow the doors slide open when you [...]
"On one occasion, he said, a child on a tricycle collided with his friend’s leg." — Come on, people. Slutty Park Slope moms have to get their craft beer on somewhere, even when they don't have the nanny that day. Let them take the kids to Ted Nugent's son's Greenwood Park beer hall and have their affairs in their Volvos outside, they've totally earned it. Won't someone think of the children?
A plausible suspect in the serial assaults in greater Park Slope has been held for questioning; he was caught in the act, or at least "an act." But police are saying that they believe there's more than one of 'em. In fact, they have "four sketches of suspects on display" at the station. (AND HOW DEPRESSING IS THAT?) Some news: here are some free self-defense classes in Brooklyn; Safe Slope is still offering walks home for ladies and other folks who may feel vulnerable.
What's more delightful than the Park Slope Food Coop? The most magical place on earth. I love to read about these people who live in a land far far away from the real! "Jeremie Delon, 31… rejoined recently after becoming a father. He said the co-op had asked for a birth certificate as proof of the baby’s existence, and was now chasing down the baby’s mother, demanding that she join and put in her time, because all adult members of a household are required to work shifts." OH MY GOD, THAT'S REVERSE HETEROSEXIST.
"With spring just a few weeks away, Park Slope residents are wondering if discarded holiday trees littering their sidewalks will ever be picked up by city garbage collectors."
"The workers at the Rosarita Fish Shack in Williamsburg were surprised to see a couple pushing a crib on wheels down North Seventh Street on July 4.
They were further stunned when the couple asked if they could push the crib up to one of their sidewalk cafe tables and have their child hang out in it while they ate brunch."
—Yes. Yes. Amazing. Do not miss their photo.
In a surprise transition, the babyness of Williamsburg is increasing exponentially while what we could consider "smart young hipsters" have been moving to Brooklyn Heights, which is simultaneously, and surprisingly, de-babying. GOOD LORD what's next.
Hipster baby [...]
Once a month I get together with half a dozen moms from Park Slope and Carroll Gardens. We call ourselves Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts. They dubbed me a Hooker because I wear tight clothes and smile a lot. Sally, a stay-at-home mom of boys, is a Slut, because she’s always touching her body. The Drug Addict is a therapist who can drink a bottle of Cabernet in one sitting. (All names and some details have been changed so I don’t lose more friends than I already have.) Some work and some don’t. The working ones complain about their jobs and the non-working ones complain about their husbands. We go [...]
Safe Slope is up and running this weekend, offering accompaniment home for women, gay men and trans people. It'll probably be a lot more effective against violence in the neighborhood than police officers telling women not to wear shorts, skirts or dresses. (FOR REAL.) Or also maybe not silently following women at night? To get an escort home after 7 p.m., call 347-709-8852. (That's 347-SØY-TULB. Or 347-PØW-VULA. Hmm. Not so helpful. Maybe just program it into your phone now?)
To whom it may concern:
It has been exactly five years since I graduated from a prestigious-if interchangeable with many that are similarly-named-university in New England called Wesleyan and moved to the capital of the world. Though apartment living is but one aspect of life, I should warn you that this letter consists primarily of fond memories of slipshod landlords and asbestos-ridden antechambers. If this is not something that interests you, you will surely perish in New York and ought to make a U-turn on the George Washington Bridge as soon as you can. Over the course of the past 1,825 days on this island-Long Island, that is, and [...]
"The place has changed so much, I’m ready to go. But not for less than $5 million."
There are two positions open on the board of the lovely Park Slope Food Coop, that magical place in Brooklyn where neighbor turns against neighbor regarding issues such as boycotting Israeli food and, oh, anything else. But! There are four candidates for the board! Which one will not make the cut!? Here are some excerpts from their statements, which were, the Coop's Linewaiter's Gazette notes, printed "unedited." [PDF here.] Let's meet them!
• "My personal life reflects my dedication to the values of the Coop. As an avid bicyclist, commuting 30 miles a day year round, to and from my office in Queens, and as someone who [...]
Bill Walsh will openly admit that his many former bosses were justified when they fired him. He was "arrogantly unfit," and is not shy about telling tales of his, shall we say, youthful misadventures. Eventually, Walsh righted himself, joined a recovery program, went to chiropractic school, and started a practice in Park Slope. He's been treating people there for the past 25 years.
At Plaza Center for the Healing Arts, Walsh combines his talent for manipulating the spine with an encyclopedic knowledge of anatomy, the body's relationship to itself, and a homeopath's understanding of drugless cures. He enables his patients to make themselves better. "My job is to place [...]
Should you join the Park Slope Food Co-Op? Verdict: "It's worth it despite the crowds, the assholes, and the soviet-style politics."
The Test – Pretty in Bed – Little California – The Problem with the Coop – Oh No, Eva! – A Hideous Proposal
Nicole and Darshan sat facing each other on the blue and white tile floor of Nicole's bathroom with the pregnancy test between them.
"How do you feel?" Darsh asked.
"I feel," Nicole started to rub her eyes, "pretty weird."