I'm glad @theonion apologized for calling Quvenzhané Wallis curt. She's nine years old, who cares if her answers are short.

— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) February 25, 2013

So The Onion apologized today for one of their many, many Oscars jokes last night. Which one? The one that was nooooottttt good or okay. Nooo, the other one.

Quentin Tarantino has been heavily criticized for his frequent use of the word "nigger" during tonight's red carpet interviews #Oscars2013

— The Onion (@TheOnion) February 25, 2013

Yeah, not that one. (That one is actually maybe good satire, about when and how some things are okay.) Buoyed [...]

Did you watch the Oscars last night? You did? Sweet mother of Christ, why? Tell us in the comments!

Photo by PopCultureGeek.com, via Flickr.

Each year on your pre-party Oscar ballot, you likely take a wild stab at some of the more minor categories. But this is where experienced home Academy Awards predictors clean up. If you want to win that pool, you gotta bone up. And I can help you.

If you haven't watched all the short films… you're not alone! And it would not be a waste of your time to go watch them all. But I've seen all the nominees for Animated Short and for Live Action, and I've got a pretty good idea about what's going to score. Obviously, TONS of spoilers ahead.

What sinister cabal is behind the massive conspiracy to keep the world from knowing why Natalie Portman wore "Rodante" [sic] rather than Dior at last night's Oscars? I'm guessing it had something to do with the Jews. I mean, it usually does.

I am making less money upfront than ever and so is America's Sweetheart™ and potential This Weekend's Oscar© Winner Sandy Bullock, who only got $5 million up front for her dye job in The Barf Slide. Now more than ever, actors are working on an attention-based bonus system, in which the success of a film is what brings the big pay, and the huge names take "less" up front. (Setting aside the hilarious pay scale itself, in some ways this is not a great idea, as actors have the least to do with the finished product being watchable or miserable? And yet still.) In the future, though, I think [...]

• The D Beast: "Another lock for an Oscar nomination…. the Academy has always had a tin ear when it comes to what a good script is. It's Crash and Star Wars rolled into one. How could it not be nominated?"

• NY Mag: "We still don't see the King of the World reigning on another Oscar night…. While it may be true that only whiny snobs are still complaining about Avatar's extravisual shortcomings, it's worth noting that the Academy's current membership is comprised primarily of whiny snobs."

"Iran is planning to retaliate against Argo with its own big-budget movie, titled Joint Command, about the 1979-80 events and the secret operation that led to the escape of six U.S. diplomatic personnel." —Iran's government-run press agencies are very upset about that Argo movie winning the American Oscar, especially because that one American lady presented the award. It's like Tehran doesn't even know the Obamas are Muslims!

Here's the only guide to watching the Oscars that you'll need. If, you know, you plan to watch.

"It says much for McTeer that the obvious question—'What are the chances of two cross-dressers meeting trouser to trouser in late-nineteenth-century Dublin?'—hardly enters our minds. Stately and swaggering, taller than most of the men, and sporting the dark forelock of the natural rake, McTeer, who has been Oscar-nominated for best supporting actress, carries conviction as easily as she wears her breeches and corduroy jacket, transforming Hubert’s rangy physical confidence into a larger embrace of life’s amusements and kicks. She is no perhapser but a thoroughgoing yes-woman, like Molly Bloom." —Anthony Lane is totally on board with my campaign: Janet McTeer must win Best Supporting Actress this year (for [...]